Takes

The Chicago Bears must sign Allen Robinson immediately

Ryan pay stop being a fucking idiot and sign out Robins dude... Any New York team would love Alan Robinson the Jets. That would be such a Jets move... I just it's just such as so class. Like bears like doesn't even give you to 48 hours to enjoy win.

Aaron Rodgers will leave the Packers in a few years just like Brett Favre

I think that if he does play this year and he plays well, it's going to be the Brett Favre thing. They're going to give him two more years... And then after a couple seasons, he'll go somewhere else.

Tom Brady will be the starting quarterback for the Chargers in 2020

So you can see pretty easily by those three facts that Tom Brady is going to be the quarterback for the Los Angeles Chargers next year.

Tom Brady could return to the 49ers just to 'cuck' Jimmy Garoppolo again

I was going to say how funny it would be if he just went to San Francisco and was like, I want to finish my hometown team. Jimmy, you're out. Just cucks Jimmy again.

The Lakers signed Dwight Howard to be the fall guy for LeBron James

Lakers fans, no matter what happens, no matter how shitty the team plays, they're going to hate LeBron or they're going to hate Dwight more than they hate LeBron. So LeBron has a real easy fall guy to point at and Dwight Howard and then be like, we got rid of the fall guy. Now it's time for us to gel as a team.

Aaron Rodgers isn't a malicious teammate, just passive-aggressive

I don't think that Aaron Rodgers is as bad as the article might have made him out to be. I don't think he is a maliciously bad teammate. I think he is very passive-aggressive and will cut someone off probably pretty quickly.

Kyrie Irving's leadership style is based on his Uncle Drew character

I think Kyrie Irving has just thought he is like now Uncle Drew because he was in that movie. He is like the old guy who's trying to teach everyone else on the team... he doesn't really know how to be like a true leader except for a really bad Hollywood movie.

Papa John is the new face of Kentucky basketball

I think we should just go with a take that Papa John is now the new face of Kentucky basketball. When I think UK Wildcats, I think shitty pizza.

Kyrie Irving is pulling a 'LeBron' by publicly blaming his young teammates for the Celtics' struggles.

Kyrie has been very outspoken, saying that the young guys need to pick it up. They don't have what it takes to be a championship team as of now. He's pulling a LeBron on them when LeBron was the one he hated.

Draymond Green definitely thinks the Warriors are his team

If I can get inside Draymond Green's head, I'm fairly confident Draymond thinks it's his team. He's the straw that serves the drink on this team.

The Cleveland Cavaliers should hire J.R. Smith as a player-coach

I am in full support of player coach J.R. Smith. J.R. Smith, player coach. Get it trending. Do it. Petty War. NBA Twitter, you got this.

Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin are going to break up

Haley Baldwin and... Biebs... Yeah, they're going to break up. Okay. That's the second.

Tom Brady and Bill Belichick actually hate each other

I do actually believe that Brady and Belichick hate each other. I think they hate each other, but I think that they have such a productive hate for each other. And they're both such like competitive psychos that it just makes each one of them be better at their jobs.

Dustin Johnson and Paulina Gretzky are officially on the rocks

Polina Gretzky... has scrubbed her entire Instagram of all Dustin Johnson pictures... Which leads many to believe that they are on the rocks. Yeah... I think people that grew up with Instagram, that's just standard operating procedure. Once it's official, once you break up, heaven forbid you get into another relationship and there's still pictures.

Dwight Howard's career will end with him dominating in China

This is just one step closer to Dwight Howard's perfect ending of his career, and that's just dominating in China... Dwight Howard will go to China and be like yeah everyone loves me no one has told me to fuck off in English.

The Todd Haley and Ben Roethlisberger relationship was never going to work out

I don't think the Todd Haley, Ben Roethlisberger situation is going to work out... Todd Haley is so detestable he makes Ben Roethlisberger a sympathetic figure. That's incredible. That is quite a skill.

Kyrie Irving wants to leave Boston for the New York Knicks

There's a lot of rumblings coming out of Boston right now that Kyrie Irving might be thinking about going somewhere else after next season... Kyrie has always had his eyes on New York, and so he's always wanted to be a Nick.

Matt Harvey moving to Cincinnati is hilarious because the city lacks New York models

Matt Harvey in Cincinnati is hilarious for a couple reasons... I don't think the models that are walking around New York City are going to be walking around Cincinnati. And if they are, they probably have diarrhea from Skyline.

Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O'Neal could have won six or more championships if they had stayed together

If those two [Kobe and Shaq] could figure out a way to make it work, they could be a really good duo. They could probably win four in a row... Five, six, yeah. Unlimited. Sky's the limit with those two.

Aaron Rodgers realizes he could be pushed out of Green Bay just like Brett Favre

Aaron Rodgers... said that he was shocked that the Packers fired his quarterback coach. And he also said... 'I think you have to be humble enough to realize if it could happen to Brett [Favre], it can happen to you. It's a business.'

The Cleveland Cavaliers are pretending to be in a crisis just to troll the media

I actually do think they're joking, but they're at the point where they're pretending to cause controversy and... kind of like doing like the fake news award... so that they can then turn it around and be like, no, we were joking. See how you guys misconstrue everything.

The Cleveland Cavaliers care more about what the media says than practicing

I actually think that the Cleveland Cavaliers spend more time reading Twitter than practicing... they care that much about what the media is saying that they've gone overboard.

LeBron James is using Dwyane Wade as a mouthpiece for his callouts of teammates

I like what Dwyane Wade's doing because now we see AI, the evolution of technology. LeBron no longer has to subtweet. He can just use Dwyane Wade as a little ventriloquist.

The Kardashian curse is real and it claimed Tristan Thompson

Tristan Thompson never missed a game in his career. He got Khloe Kardashian pregnant, and now he's out a month... Kardashian curse.

LeBron James is moving to Los Angeles in eight months

At the end of the day, [Dwayne Wade] and LeBron are moving to L.A. in like eight months. They've already packed their bags.

John Calipari will be the next coach of the Phoenix Suns

Now that they fired their coach and there's trouble in paradise, you think of what I'm thinking? Coach Cal. Brandon Knight, Eric Bledsoe, Devin Booker, Tyler Ulis... All went to Kentucky.

The Bulls' practice fight is a result of a failure in leadership from John Paxson

This starts from the top. This is leadership from the top. This is John Paxson, who has famously gotten a choking match with Vinny Del Negro... It's a good culture that the Bulls have.

Kirk Cousins is the poster boy for a quarterback bubble where teams feel forced to overpay mediocre players

I feel kind of bad for [Cousins] because he is the product of a quarterback bubble that we knew was going to burst eventually where teams just give these contracts out to guys like, are we sure they're good? And that is [Cousins] to a T. Like, okay, he's okay, but is he good? Eh, I don't know.

Jim 'Bones' Mackay was Phil Mickelson's personal bookie

Phil Mickelson and his caddy, Bones... they are splitting up. I mean, we all know why, right? Two reasons. One, Phil didn't go to the U.S. Open... and two, Bones was probably Phil's bookie, and Phil probably can't gamble anymore.

Draymond Green is an all-time classic heel

I'm a big fan of [Draymond Green]... all-time classic heel. He had a shirt that said Quickie in the Quicken Loans font... I need this feud, though, to keep going... because I think Draymond clearly gets under LeBron's skin.

Russell Wilson should become a pharmacist to write Adderall prescriptions for the Seahawks defense

What if Russell goes back to school in the off-season? Here's what you do, Russ. Go to school, become a pharmacist. And then just write unlimited [Adderall] prescriptions.

Derek Jeter is jealous of the massive business success of A-Rod Corp

I think that's the bottom of it, is that Derek Jeter is jealous of all of the business success A-Rod Corp has had... They've signed nonstop baseballs. They sold like 50 golf shirts... Meanwhile, Derek Jeter can't buy the Marlins. Derek Jeter, classic blogger... probably taking pot shots at real businessmen.

Phil Jackson is actively trying to get fired by the Knicks to get a settlement

Phil Jackson is actively just trying to screw up as much as he can on purpose... Everything that you thought that Phil could do to try to get fired and get a big settlement, he has done it.

Kevin Durant is a 'big fucking baby'

Kevin Durant is a big fucking baby. And what did he say? He said that there was a lot of selfish guys on the Thunder... implying that the Thunder are selfish.

Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook kind of deserved each other, and it's sad to see them separated

I think Westbrook and Durant kind of deserved each other. And I'm sad that they're going to be separated because those two together, it was great TV.

A Mike Greenberg solo show would be a four-hour suicide note of unathletic stories

Can you just imagine four hours of Greeny? ... It actually just might be really depressing to have a guy just making fun of how unathletic he is for four hours. You need that Golic balance. ... Now it's just going to be one long suicide note. It's just going to be him being like, I was not good at sports in high school.

Kevin Durant is a whiny baby who gets an unfair pass from the media

Kevin Durant is a fucking whiny baby. He seriously is... You were in Oklahoma City for so long, and everyone gave you a pass. LeBron James was bashed to no end for not winning a title when he was considered the best player in the NBA for a very long time.

Jay Mariotti and Woody Page have officially broken up

PFT... broke the heartbreaking news that Jay Mariotti and Woody Page have broken up... For the last couple of shows, it's just been Jay. Strictly Mariotti. No, there hasn't been an announcement... I needed Woody to counterbalance Jay.