Takes

CONCACAF is rigged to ensure the United States doesn't win the Gold Cup

I join the chorus of those who were saying CONCACAF rigged. They don't want to see the United States win the Gold Cup. They'd much rather have it be Mexico.

The United States might actually just suck at soccer

So if [Pochettino] loses it's the, we might suck at soccer. Yeah, we might suck at soccer. Okay. I've been saying that.

Sepp Blatter's acquittal proves FIFA is not a corrupt organization

Anyone that was pointing a finger at Sepp Blatter and saying that FIFA is corrupt... Guess what? You're wrong. He's been officially cleared. FIFA. It turns out, plot twist, not corrupt. Everything's above board in FIFA.

The USWNT's 3-0 victory over Vietnam was the worst three-goal victory I have ever seen

I watched the second half of the Vietnam game. That was bad. That was the worst three goal victory I've ever seen.

Cristiano Ronaldo is the GOAT

Ronaldo, my goat got benched. People don't like Ronaldo. I don't understand. ... Ronaldo's the goat, Messi's great but Ronaldo greater.

The 2022 Qatar World Cup is one of the worst overall sports tournaments in history

It's really one of the worst overall tournaments of all time ever... we're doing an entire world cup in the middle of the desert where we have to blast air conditioning and do the tournament in the middle of American football.

The U.S. women's soccer team sucks at soccer now

My hot seat is the U.S. women's soccer team because they lost and we stink... I tweeted about like, oh, we suck at soccer now.

I am done with U.S. Men's Soccer after the loss to Canada

Just when you think it couldn't get worse, we lose to Canada. ... I'm done with the U.S. soccer until they start fucking just doing anything. ... I'm done being embarrassed. I want them to be good.

Alexi Lalas has the most smug face in national sports media

Alexi Lalas looking like a smug prick on national television. It's Alexi Lalas season, and that means that he gets to stare into the camera after every single game looking smugly like he kidnapped your dog... He's back in a bit. He's got the most smug face, I think, on national sports media these days.

USA Soccer is off the hook for missing the World Cup because Italy missed it too

USA Soccer is officially on the cool throne because Italy did not make the World Cup either. And that's like a big deal... we're off the hook, though. Because this is like the hottest chick who didn't make the ball... we can laugh and be like, no, those guys actually try, and they suck. It's not us.