Takes

Aaron Rodgers is plagiarizing Jack Handey SNL quotes on Twitter

I'm going to read you a tweet that Aaron put out yesterday. 'If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason.' ... Guess what? It's actually plagiarism, bro. That's Jack Handey. That was from SNL Deep Thoughts. No attribution given whatsoever.

Auston Matthews' 4-goal debut is suspicious and requires a 'witch hunt'

Auston Matthews... He had three goals on his first three shots in the NHL. He actually had four goals on the night in his debut... Hmm. Interesting. Maybe a frozen envelope. I'm just saying maybe these bullies just, hey, yo, we'll let [Auston] score. Hmm. Interesting.