Takes

Lactose intolerance is a fake condition that everyone actually has

Lactose intolerant... that's fake. It's as fake as fake gets. No, it's fake. Everyone's lactose intolerant. If I eat too much ice cream, my tummy hurts. Am I lactose intolerant? So everyone is.

Joel Embiid believes the current LeBron James is not the same as the dominant version from years ago

The LeBron now is not the LeBron that was a couple of years ago. So it's a big difference. Everybody would also tell you, and you can see for yourself, the athletic LeBron dominant that he was a couple years ago is not the same that he is now.

The Liver King is shorter because he didn't go through the agricultural revolution

He's come for short too... Well, you see, he didn't go through the agricultural revolution. So he was, he's still the size of the early ancestor, tall for his era. You didn't go to the agricultural revolution yet.

Crocodiles are easier to defeat on land than cobras because they cannot move laterally.

I actually think I'd have more trouble with the cobra than I would a crocodile. It's at foot level, so it's perfect kicking... I would just run around it to its back and then just fucking get him from behind. He can't move laterally.

Jake Paul is lying about being 6'1" and is actually 5'9"

Jake Paul is lying about his height. He's listed at 6'1", but is really 5'9". And I put a picture of Jake Paul who wore a headdress in his face-off with Nate Robinson to show that he's not actually the same height... He's shorter than KSI, who is listed as 5'9".

Joey Salads having sex thousands of times without a pregnancy means he has 'beta sperm'

Actually, admitting that you've never gotten pregnant when your main point is just pulling out. That tells me you've got beta sperm, bro. You got a little tiny dead fish in there.

The writer of the 'I Miss Northwestern Losing' article is dangerous to society

Pat Fitzgerald actually is an awesome coach. We have friends on that team... But their alumni, when they're writing shit like this, you're dangerous to society. If you are struggling this much with watching sports, they're not for you.

Urban Meyer knew much more about the Zach Smith situation than the investigation report found

Saying Urban Meyer probably knew a lot more than this report has found... He probably remembers everything. And guess what? He's still coaching Ohio State, so he'll probably win a shitload of games. If your coach is good enough, they'll do the reverse engineering where instead of being like, let's find the facts, we'll be like, let's find the facts to make sure he stays as coach.