Takes

Buy New Balance stock now and sell it right before New Year's

I'm going to disagree with you. I think now's the time to buy stock in New Balance because, like we said, the people who are buying New Balance right now aren't going to know that it's racist for a while. So they're going to keep buying, okay? And meanwhile, the neo-Nazis probably weren't buying New Balance already. Now there's going to be a run on New Balance. So it's a short play. You buy New Balance, and then you dump it right before New Year's.

Odell Beckham Jr. should quit football and play soccer because he's basically European

Thoughts and prayers to [Odell Beckham's] happiness... Maybe cheat, go cheat on football with soccer... You're basically European, dude. Hey, I know you like to not use one of your hands. I'll do you one better. Use none of them and go play soccer.

Warren Sapp staged his shark attack to get back into the national media spotlight

Connect the dots. Warren Sapp doesn't have a job right now... Best way to get yourself back in the national media spotlight without saying, 'Hey, I want a job,' get attacked by a shark. ... I'm just saying, do we know what that shark looked like? No... That's for sure a fake shark. Truther Warren Sapp did not get bit by a shark. He rigged this whole thing.

The child who fell into Harambe's enclosure was a plant

This child is a plant, man. This child wanted Harambe dead. The child slid under a fence, through wires, and climbed over a moat wall.

Harambe is happier dead than living in Cincinnati

Do you think that Harambe is, like, happier now that he's dead than living in some, like, terrible enclosure in Cincinnati?