Takes

If you own $500,000 worth of any singular product, people should be allowed to steal it if they can get their hands on it

I actually have a theory that if you own $500,000 worth of any product, people should be allowed to steal it if they can get their hands on it. ... But any singular product. ... Like Dwight Howard's snakes.

Alex Jones would be a decent NFL defensive coordinator

I actually think Alex Jones would be a decent NFL defensive coordinator if you gave him just like two years in a dark room with some playbooks. Just showed him the basic concepts and let him just motivate the guys. He's like if Jim Tomsula took LSD at a very young age.

The NFL is stirring up political protests via back channels to boost the Falcons' Rise Up hashtag

A little stay woke on this. NFL stirring up controversy through back channels to get people to tweet the Rise Up hashtag. I actually completely agree with you because what's one of the storylines of this Super Bowl? Atlanta, bad sports town. Not a lot of Falcons fans. Guess what? Now we are all Falcons fans.

Odell Beckham Jr. has officially matured because he proposed to a kicking net

Thoughts and prayers to Odell Beckham's immaturity because he's clearly grown up now. He's just a tremendous young man... because he learned his lesson. The lesson was stop making it about you and having all these antics. And so he did that by proposing to the net.

Tim Tebow is causing seizures in order to 'save' people

Maybe Tim's got some metal in him... He's either causing the seizure... He's basically a human Pokemon. He is a Pokemon, and he's giving people seizures. He's causing the seizures and he's treating them, which is... a good position for business.

Every new iteration of Jesus is better than the last

Every time that Jesus shows up, he's better than his old Jesus. He makes his old Jesus look like a chump. Jesus 2 never hit a dinger. That's a facts only right in everyone's face.

The NFL will finally cure breast cancer this year

I think this is the year that the NFL finally cures it [breast cancer]. ... Stay woke on breast cancer.

The US should invade Canada for their hockey players

Just invade Canada already... I'm sick of America being nice. Where's that gotten us? We haven't won a Hockey World Cup ever... Just do it just for the sports. Or just be a really bad neighbor... Let's shade all of Canada and then we own it.