Takes

The Only Flag Woodhead Has Ever Drawn Is Of The U.S.A.

Only flag he ever draws is of the U.S.A. If you a mouthy linebacker, then you must pay.

Quarterbacks Are Overpaid — Just Hand It To Woodhead

Overpaid quarterback with the eight-figure salary. Hand it to the man with the Energizer battery.

Being Christian And Being Elite Are One And The Same

Christian and elite, those are one and the same.

DeAngelo Williams needs to understand America cares about his highlights on the field, not in his hair

What DeAngelo Williams needs to understand is that America cares more about the highlights he puts on the field than the highlights he puts in his hair.

The NFL needs an awareness month for fans who don't have cancer

I think at the same token, the NFL needs to also have an awareness month for their fans who don't have cancer, to be fair.

Build a wall around Washington D.C. instead of the border

A wall is not going to keep people from invading our country at all. What we need to do is we need to actually build a wall around Washington, D.C. to keep everybody in. We tell them, hey, we're building this to protect you from invaders and immigration. But in reality, we've got them right where we want them and where we can keep an eye on them. And then all of us on the outside get to do whatever the hell we want.

Water makes you weak — real football players do swish and spit

When I was a high school football player, I used to always tell the underclassmen that water makes you weak. So we do like swish and spit.

Chris Long's Waterboys should focus on building gyms, not wells

Don't you think human beings -- aren't you doing them a disservice? Shouldn't you be focusing your efforts to build them a gym or a foam room?

Defensive ends should jimmy tap quarterbacks to get sacks

If you're coming off the edge, a lot of times you take an angle directly at the quarterback, and that's exactly what the offensive tackle is expecting you to do. So what you could do maybe instead is take an angle just a little bit inside of the quarterback, and while you're running past him, just hit him real quick with a jimmy tap right between the legs. Right in the dick. I don't feel like that technique is emphasized enough in today's coaching environment. It's almost a technique that you have to imagine Belichick is emphasizing right now before they change the rules, before it gets exploited.

Baptism is the ultimate participation trophy

When you think about it, isn't baptizing a child the ultimate participation trophy? They haven't earned shit yet. They're just a little kid. And you're trying to get them into the kingdom of heaven? I'm sorry, maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but that's some bullshit. You have to go out there and you have to earn eternal salvation. All of a sudden, we're giving this kid the keys to the kingdom just for showing up? That doesn't sound like the God I know. My God doesn't like moochers.

Playing on more dangerous surfaces makes football safer

We're making the game less safe by no longer playing it on concrete. And now we're adding like a new bar to the face mask every week. And it's counterintuitive, but if you look at it from a macro point of view, which I am, if you want players to care about their safety a little bit more, then you need to force them to play on more dangerous surfaces.

Nick Saban was right to pass on Drew Brees so the Dolphins could afford 'impact players' like Mike Wallace and Ndamukong Suh

Nick Saban gets a bum rap for bailing out on the Dolphins... but in reality, Drew Brees' shoulder... it was the sword of Damocles, and it was hanging by a labrum. And now, oh, now he's looking like a big hero because he didn't sign him... if Saban had brought Brees to Miami, then the entire franchise would be hamstrung by that big contract, and they wouldn't be able to go out and afford impact players like you've got your Mike Wallaces and you've got your Ndamukong Suhs that they're bringing to town.

Adolf Hitler would have been a Seattle Seahawks fan

Hitler, who do you think his team would be? I say it's the Seahawks, and let me tell you why. Because A, we know that his team is going to be easily swayed with things like candy, right? Marshawn Lynch loves Skittles.

Hitler canceling football seasons is an underrated bad thing he did

If you really like football, he probably wouldn't have started World War II, which de facto canceled the 1942 through 1944 NFL seasons. It wasn't called the NFL, but he canceled football. So in the first place, that's kind of fucked up. And nobody really talks about that when they're talking about all the bad stuff Hitler did. So I'd like to kind of raise a little bit of awareness there.

Hitler would have been a Redskins fan because he'd see eye-to-eye with Dan Snyder, or a Cowboys fan because Jerry Jones puts stars on uniforms

I think without a doubt, he would have been a Redskins fan. He was so small that, ironically, he probably would have seen eye-to-eye with Dan Snyder... Maybe he might have pulled for the Cowboys, too. The Cowboys got an insane old guy running the team that likes to put stars on the side of their players' uniforms, so that seems like he'd be right up his alley.

Mike Ditka would have beaten Obama in a debate by pulling out a Super Bowl ring

To be a fly on the wall at those debates would have been all time. There's no way that Ditka loses. No chance at all. Obama starts talking about mumbo jumbo about how vouchers destroy inner city schools. And Ditka just pulls out a Super Bowl ring and sticks it in his face and lights a cigar. And maybe Mike Ditka would be president of the United States now.