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PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

Mike Ditka would have beaten Obama in a debate by pulling out a Super Bowl ring

To be a fly on the wall at those debates would have been all time. There's no way that Ditka loses. No chance at all. Obama starts talking about mumbo jumbo about how vouchers destroy inner city schools. And Ditka just pulls out a Super Bowl ring and sticks it in his face and lights a cigar. And maybe Mike Ditka would be president of the United States now.

Hypothetical political debate. Ditka was considered as a Republican Senate candidate against Obama in 2004 and later said not running was his biggest regret.

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Loss
Oct 8, 2015·Monologue
#20450
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

If you're PC police, you have to tell me — otherwise it's entrapment

If you're a PC police, you have to tell me. Otherwise, it's entrapment. I know my rights.

This is not how entrapment works. Satirizing the common misconception that undercover cops have to identify themselves, applied to 'PC police.'
Void
Oct 8, 2015·Monologue
#20451
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

James Harrison was right to take away his son's participation trophy

He made some news last month when he rightfully stole his six-year-old son's participation trophy because he didn't feel that his son had earned it. And while Harrison was without a doubt correct in doing this, he didn't have to throw it all over the news to get a pat on the back from the national media just for doing the right thing that he's supposed to do.

Harrison actually did this in August 2015 and it was widely debated. Whether he was right is a matter of opinion.
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Oct 8, 2015·Monologue
#20452
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

The Steelers are a team that conducts business the right way

Overall, the Steelers are their team that conducts business the right way. In fact, I think it was team owner Art Rooney that pulled Harrison aside and really backed him up back in 2008 when Harrison got arrested for domestic assault. Of course, I'm not here to condone domestic assault, but you have to look at the facts and wait for all the facts to come out.

Heavy sarcasm. Praising the Steelers' culture while referencing Harrison's 2008 domestic assault arrest to satirize the 'they do things the right way' narrative.

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PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

Garrett Bolles should catch a pass before he retires

I want to be able to bet on Garrett Bolles to have one reception in every game. Because I feel like Sean Payton is going to try to get him that touch. He definitely will because he doesn't want him to retire as the guy who never touched the ball.

It requires Garrett Bolles to record a touch before the end of his career; that has not been resolved here.
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PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

The Eagles' offense might be better without A.J. Brown

I actually think that the offense might be better without A.J. Brown.

Whether Philadelphia's offense performs better without A.J. Brown is a season-level comparative claim and is not reliably resolved here.
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PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

The Chargers should eliminate their kicking game and go for it every time

The Chargers should just not have a punter. They should not have a kicker. They shouldn't even have like a long snapper on the team. Use those positions on somebody else and you're just—burn the boats. You're just going for it all the time. Fuck it. Who cares? Right? Season's over. Might as well try to score some points.

This is a deliberately satirical roster-building proposal, not a prediction that can be objectively graded.