Takes

Baseball should not outlaw spitting due to coronavirus concerns

Spitting needs to stay. It's the only place in America where a guy could just go outside and spit non-stop for like four hours and nobody says shit to him... isn't it better to be spitting all your germs out? If you have a handgun and you're constantly firing off rounds into the ground you're way less likely to accidentally shoot somebody. So we should actually be encouraging more spitting.

Jim Harbaugh dominates the Ohio State rivalry if judged on values instead of scoreboards

I love that Jim Harbaugh has gotten his dick kicked in by Ohio State year in and year out. But if we're only judging on the values imparted to those he leads, he has dominated this rivalry. Michigan fans... are definitely going to count this as a national championship, hang the banner.

Kent Sterling's take on Cubs fans being 'sluggish' for getting hit by foul balls is trash

Chicago Cubs will protect fans too stupid or sluggish to avoid foul balls by extending nets... This guy sucks. This guy is trash... He basically saying he wrote this entire article to brag that parents are capable of protecting kids because he did it once.

Michael Scott would definitely have voted for Trump

Michael Scott definitely did. Just because he likes a party. He probably went to the rallies. He definitely would be a guy that would start like just a pro Trump Twitter account and then he'd get famous based off that.

I am a personal servant to my dog Stella

I actually am a servant to Stella because every day I wake up and I give her food at the exact same time. And she goes back in bed and hangs out all day. And then I come home and I give her food again.

Baseball players should start smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey in the dugout to prevent modern muscle injuries

Yeah, I think that baseball players should start smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey in the dugout again because you never heard of guys back in the 20s tearing their ACL. They just limped around like fools for the last 40 years of their life if they were lucky.

Orlando Magic GM John Hammond is a worse GM than Hitler

Worst GM in any sports history, including Hitler. Straight facts. Spot the lie.

Arkansas was the better team despite losing 34-3 to Auburn

The 34-3 score was not indicative of how well the Razorbacks played. Special teams played dictated that score. So the better team didn't win... 34-3. Arkansas outplayed them. Except for the score.

No ugly quarterback has ever won a Super Bowl

I was on the radio with recurring guest Fred Smoot today... we were talking about who's going to win the MVP this year, and he came out with an awesome take. He said that no ugly quarterback has ever won a Super Bowl. I think it's a trick question because once you win a Super Bowl, you become attractive. You get the glow up.

Tom Brady won his first three Super Bowls before he had his 'glow-up'

Even Tom Brady won the majority of his Super Bowls before the glow-up. He won three Super Bowls before he had the glow-up. He definitely looks a lot different than he did. He's gotten hotter with age.

LeBron James will take a gap year from the NBA if the 2018 Finals go poorly

Today is June 1st, 2018. Stamp it. I am predicting that if LeBron James, if the finals don't go exactly how he wants them to go in his head, in his head only, LeBron James is going to take a year off.