PMT DB
PMT DB
The Bears beat the Patriots 32-24, Caleb Williams threw darts all over the field, and Hank had to spend the rest of the morning pretending the loss was actually a valuable learning experience. That is a tough sell when Big Cat is announcing that the Bears are good and PFT is calling the game a Super Bowl preview. Even Drake Maye’s concussion got folded into the increasingly elaborate Hank Defense Department briefing.
Caleb Williams, Checkdown King No More
Caleb’s night was the exact opposite of the “Checkdown King” label Hank had given him earlier. He hit Rome Odunze on an absurd throw, found Luther Burden on third-and-17, escaped pressure, and looked completely calm while the Patriots were trying to turn him into a decorative piece of turf. Big Cat was especially impressed by the way Williams moved just enough to create space and then fired a laser instead of scrambling.
The Bears also survived a bizarre end-of-half touchdown, a huge Cairo Santos kick, and two clock-eating drives that made the Patriots watch seven minutes disappear one first down at a time. Hank’s response was that Thursday night games are flukes, which is the football equivalent of putting a tiny umbrella in front of a hurricane.
The real argument came over Ben Johnson’s illegal-looking handoff to an offensive lineman. Max and Hank thought it was simply wrong. Big Cat, having entered the Kaiser Söze phase of his Ben Johnson fandom, had another theory.
Big CatBen Johnson ran the illegal play wrong on purpose
I think Ben Johnson ran it wrong on purpose to put something on tape that then he can run a variation off of it.
PFT’s counter was that Big Cat’s “intentional mistake” theory was actually not crazy enough. Maybe Ben Johnson ran the play wrong on purpose so every other coach would assume he had learned his lesson. The Bears may have invented the world’s most complicated way to put a fake play on tape.
The Glenn Cinematic Universe
Tape Watch Glenn arrived with a postgame breakdown that included drone swarms, simulated left-handed Drake Maye, and a new website called heisstillrunning.com. The site asks users to identify who the quarterback should have thrown to, except the correct answer is apparently who he actually threw to. Max immediately got hooked, Big Cat failed enough questions to “need more tape,” and Hank hated every second of it.
Hank’s consolation package was a special farting Hank dog toy wearing the Pelicans hat from the famous Kellen Moore incident. It was described as air coming out of the toy’s butt, not a fart, which is a distinction Big Cat felt very strongly about. Nobody was happier when the Patriots lost, but the dog toy was at least available for purchase.
JMU also lost to App State, while the anonymous fan who promised to eat dog poop on video deactivated before fulfilling the bet. PFT declared that JMU may never win again until the coward logs back on.
PFT CommenterJMU may not win again until the dog-poop bettor returns
JMU probably won't win another football game until that guy logs back on.
Banner Night And Immediate NBA Overreactions
The New York trip featured banner night, a 20-minute championship banner ascent, rings for the 1973 Knicks, and a debate over whether James Dolan really sent phishing emails to assistants instead of giving them rings. The banner was so important that the actual game afterward was treated like an unwanted post-credit scene.
PFT had court-level seats for the Wizards and came away convinced that Deandre Ayton is the team’s vibes captain, Bub Carrington is his new favorite player, and Trey Young fits perfectly. After one game, he was already ready to hand Washington any seed from one through eight.
PFT CommenterThe Wizards are a one-through-eight seed team
I feel confident in my one through eight seed. Love that for the Wiz.
Max, meanwhile, watched the 76ers play twice and decided Philadelphia was special. He was also fully prepared to have his heart ripped out, which is probably the healthiest possible relationship with a Sixers prediction.
MaxThe 76ers could be special
This team is fucking awesome. Yeah, and I am so down to get my heart ripped out because it's incredible what I'm watching. The 76ers team could be special.
Week 7: Hungry Dogs Everywhere
The picks started in Paris, where the Steelers were flying in and out like Aaron Rodgers’ body clock was a minor logistical detail. Hank liked the Saints because Paris is French and New Orleans is technically the home team. PFT worried that Kellen Moore trying to become a hard-ass coach would sound like Satan attempting to talk dirty to Saddam Hussein. The Saints’ kicker might miss the trip for the birth of his child, so naturally the most compelling part of the matchup became an Irish replacement kicker called Charlie Smith.
The 49ers-Falcons game produced the best schedule-based skepticism. San Francisco’s defense had looked excellent, but the wins came against a lineup of offenses that made the 49ers’ résumé look like a carefully edited dating profile. PFT thought Atlanta could expose them.
PFT CommenterThe Falcons can expose the 49ers defense
They might not actually be as good as we think they are on defense. I don't hate the Falcons at all in this game.
Hank then went full underdog scientist on the Giants against Houston, while Big Cat tried to talk him out of the moneyline and into the points. The Texans were coming off an international game, JJ McCarthy had looked good, and Malik Nabers had already caught passes from eight different Giants quarterbacks in 25 games. At this point, Nabers’ next quarterback could be a fan selected during a timeout.
HankThe Giants are a strong play with the points
I love the Giants nine. JJ McCarthy was phenomenal last week. You look great. The Texans are not great.
Big Cat also found the crisis point in Denver, where Bo Nix was apparently one ugly loss away from every Broncos fan asking whether he should be allowed near a football again. Despite that, he still believed Denver was a Super Bowl contender if Nix could settle down.
Big CatThe Broncos are a Super Bowl contender if Bo Nix figures it out
I think the Broncos are a really good team. Like overall, I think they're a Super Bowl contender. The way they're, they're, they play defense, Bo Nix can just figure it out a little bit.
The Sunday night game became a referendum on Kansas City’s schedule. Big Cat thought Seattle was the desperate team ready to restore order, while PFT pointed out that the Chiefs had the league’s best point differential and one of its best defenses. Nobody could agree, which is how you know this one had earned the primetime slot.
Big CatThe Seahawks will finally expose the Chiefs
I think this is where the Seahawks get right. ... I just think the equalization point is Sunday night. The Seahawks are a desperate team.
Blake Griffin Takes The Stepback
Blake Griffin joined to talk about his new Amazon Prime show, The Stepback, which aims to mix late-night comedy with bigger sports questions. The conversation quickly became a referendum on sports media, social media, and whether athletes should ever search their own names at halftime. Blake had seen teammates do it, and his advice was basically: if you can handle one cheat meal, maybe take a peek, but if you have a problem, stay off the slippery slope.
The NBA portion got serious for approximately six seconds before Big Cat announced that Victor Wembanyama cannot win the big one. Blake called it a bad take. Big Cat cited the Olympics, the NBA Cup, and the NBA Finals. PFT countered that Wemby may have simply misunderstood the bracket. This is the kind of analysis that gets you five Blake of the Year awards.
Big CatVictor Wembanyama can't win the big one
Victor Wembanyama can't win the big one. ... No. Like, he, as of right now, he cannot win the big one.
Blake likes the Pacers as a team people have forgotten, thinks the Nuggets’ championship window is narrowing, and gave the NBA media voters a polite but unmistakable “maybe fewer of you should be deciding players’ contracts” argument. Then he made his conference picks: Knicks-Sixers in the East, Spurs-Thunder in the West, and Oklahoma City winning the title.
Blake GriffinThe Thunder will win the NBA title
I am gonna go Oklahoma City this year.
Big Cat also refused to give up on Dalton Knecht after the Lakers cut him, because a first-round pick is apparently a permanent legal status. Somewhere, Anthony Bennett is nodding vigorously.
Fyre Fest Of The Week
Hank’s Fyre Fest was discovering that he can destroy people at golf left-handed, then realizing this means he has no incentive to ever return to playing right-handed. Zac’s Fyre Fest was a bodega pizza that tasted delicious for exactly the length of time it took to finish eating it, followed by roughly a day in the puke zone. In New York, the bodega pizza is apparently decorative. The bacon, egg and cheese is the real starting quarterback.
Big Cat’s knee hurt after lifting, which led to a serious discussion about office yoga, a sauna, a cold plunge, and the unavoidable nightmare of Mincy sweating through a conversation in a locked room. The proposed solution was a full sports medicine staff at the office, complete with pre-podcast stretching and someone squirting water into their mouths.
The show ended with birthdays, a 14-pound machine nobody was prepared to discuss responsibly, and one final reminder that the Tape Watch investigation is bigger than football. If Glenn’s tickets were a Trojan horse, Hank was absolutely going to inspect the horse for explosives first.
