Ari Shaffir

Lakers fans are just bandwagon fans

Fuck the Lakers dude. Every time they had fucking playoff games, no one will come out. Could be up three-nothing in the first round as a one seed. And people are like, 'wow, they're such fucking bandwagon fans.' Fuck all of them.

The 1991 UNLV team threw their game against Duke to keep it close

I think they [UNLV] threw that game. I think they threw it to make it close and then Duke was like close enough to win.

Alex Rodriguez never earned his pinstripes because he only padded stats in blowout games

Did A-Rod earn pinstripes? Oh no. Not even for 2009. No. He got all his numbers. All his stats came in like blowout games.

Giancarlo Stanton has not lived up to being a Yankee

What about Giancarlo? Does he have his pinstripes? Stanton? No. He plays shitty. He's never lived up to it. He never lived up to that concept.

Brett Gardner earned his pinstripes through hustle

Brett Gardner... everyone's like 'Brett Gardner pinstripes.' Like that's just because he hustles, he plays the right way. Yeah, definitely pinstripes. He earned them.

Baseball is meant to be played during the day

Daytime baseball, it's perfect. It's, it's, you know, you can get a little nap in the fourth inning, wake up in time... and then everyone gets out and goes to the bars.

Zion Williamson's injury issues are annoying because he just won't play

I'm a Pelicans fan... followed them. And Zion just won't play. He just won't play. It's annoying. He's not fragile. It's a different injury every time.

I probably have seven years left to live

My hands fucking shake. I've done too many drugs so I probably got seven years left. Either an OD's gonna take me or one of those fucking heart attacks that leaves me fucking spoonfed.