Bert Kreischer

Tom Segura is on steroids

Tom Segura's on steroids. Yeah. Tom. Yeah. I can't believe people don't know that. No, no, no. He's been 270 pounds his whole life. And then last year he found 'discipline.' Sure, sure. Was it No, you don't think it's the proximity of him and Joe Rogan maybe happened the same fucking needles.

Aaron Rodgers is 'heavy with secrets' and one of my favorite people to hang out with.

Aaron Rodgers is one of my one of my favorite hangs. Cuz that guy's heavy with secrets. Oh yeah. Oh, I had, he, we did secret time on the bus to the point where I was like, yo, cameras are on, bro. Like, someone turned the fucking cameras off. He was awesome.

I will die at 77 in a shocking accident like a shark attack or saving kids

If I can make it to 77, I think I'll make it to 77 clean. And I think I'm gonna go like from like a shark attack or something really... I want to get like attacked by an animal or like a plane crash would be nice... I want my death to be shocking... Saving some kids. That's what I want. Hero. That's how I wanna die.

Tom Segura is going to die in a car accident because he drives like a '16-year-old asshole.'

I did not wanna die in a car accident with Tom [Segura]. And that is how that guy's gonna die. Yeah. Well that is how that guy's gonna die. Well he drives like a fucking asshole, like a 16 year old asshole. He knows the pedals that he never uses? Yeah, he fucking uses them.

Bert Kreischer has a Division 1 level tennis serve

I have a division one serve in tennis... I aced him [Tom Segura] 42 times... his tennis coach pulled Thomas out before the match. He said, 'heads up your boy's got a division one serve.'

A 'Two Bears Racing' endurance team is a viable business idea

I came up with stupid fucking two bears racing... I fucking just invested a hundred thousand dollars... already in just talking about it, all our advertisers for two bears have asked if they could buy space on the car. And I'm like, oh, this could work out pretty good.

Having two dishwashers in a house is a brilliant life hack

I love original ideas... this guy was like, dude, I got two dishwashers in my house... who the fuck? I just loaded one up. And then I have one empty. So when I did that, I looked at the one up. I put two dishwashers in my house because this fucking guy that wrote in, I put two dishwashers in my house.

I became bigger than the 'Van Wilder' movie

When I was young, I was like, I want to be bigger than that movie. So like, I wanna, I w I don't want that movie to be who people think I am. And I think I've gotten bigger than the movie. And so now it's like, it's a nice song. It's like a nice subplot in my story.

Joe Rogan is not a racist

I know him to be a lot of things. A racist is not what he is. I can promise you that. He's a lot of things. Trust me. I don't, the guy's fucking flawed. Like all of us... My dad says, I'm very proud of the son I raised that you will be a loyal to a friend in a moment like this.

Loyalty to friends during a cancellation is more important than political agreement

I stand by my friends. My dad said, 'I'm very proud of the son I raised that you will be loyal to a friend in a moment like this.' That's all you want. Fuck all those negative comments. If your dad texts you... 'I'm proud I raised a son who stands by his friends.' That's all the fuck you want.

Overreacting to a child's mistakes teaches them to lie rather than grow

I realized I fucked up because what I did is I created a paradigm within which she was not allowed to grow and learn because she was going to fuck up again. But now she was so scared of watching me fly off the handle... that I taught her. The new thing is to lie. And it's taken me a year and a half to get to a place where now we're establishing an honesty where I go, 'Hey, you're gonna fuck up... but understand I'm not gonna lose my shit.'