Uncle Chaps

Trevor Lawrence will win NFL MVP and the Jaguars have the league's best skill positions

I'm gonna put a lot of money on [Trevor Lawrence] winning the MVP. 'cause the odds have gotta be insane. And he's so good. And now having Calvin Ridley... I don't know if you've seen the clips from their camp. Calvin Ridley's a freak. The Jags might have across the board the best skill positions.

Trevor Lawrence sucks at throwing the deep ball

I don't think [Trevor Lawrence] sucks, but he definitely sucks throwing the deep ball, which makes him suck. And they don't really have anybody to catch it either... some of the throws that he's made when people are wide open... he just can't make 'em.

I will get both my big toenails removed if Trevor Lawrence doesn't reach an AFC Championship on his rookie contract

I'm so confident that Trevor Lawrence isn't a bust. If they don't make the AFC Championship on his rookie contract, I will get... five years... I will come up wherever we're recording. I will go [get] both of my big toenails removed.

The U.S. got out of Afghanistan because we were losing

We were losing. It wasn't going great. Cost a lot of money.

Urban Meyer didn't actually finger that woman; his hand just brushed against the denim

There's two schools of thought on buttfingering, really. First up, it didn't go inside the denim. If you really zoom in, the denim never dents. So it was more like a brushing. It was a grace. It was a flyby. It was kind of the foreplay at the bar.

The United States should bomb the outback of Australia just to show we're still crazy

We need to bomb somebody. Not that we really care. Some open area. Like the outback of Australia. Nobody lives there. Kangaroos. Fuck up some kangaroos. ... Just to show [Russia], look how fucking crazy we are.

Tim Tebow is a shysty guy who is all about himself

There could be a chance that Tebow is just a really shysty guy. It's all about himself.

The entire NFC North could fit inside the landmass of Jacksonville

Did you know the entirety of the NFC North could fit inside Jacksonville? Every other city. Chicago, Detroit [In the landmass of Jacksonville]. And they only add up to like half of Jacksonville.

The Jaguars should trade Nick Foles for a 6th round pick and go all in on Gardner Minshew

Trade Nick Foles? Absolutely. Dude, I would trade him for a six-round conditional pick. ... [Gardner Minshew] is amazing. Why would I not be [all in]?

I always thought Nick Foles was going to be a huge bust in Jacksonville

To be completely honest, my excitement about the Nick Foles era was completely fake. It was fake. I thought that he was going to be a bust. I thought that he was going to be a huge bust in Jacksonville where everything was perfect for him in the Eagle system.

Gardner Minshew is going to be a good quarterback

He wasn't elevating anybody else. He was just getting the ball out on time and things like that. I thought maybe he could do that in Jacksonville, rely on the defense... so I think Gardner's going to be okay. I like Gardner. I like his accuracy.

69 is a seventh-date move

69 is a seven date move also... Seventh date. Let's do a 69. But it's going to be 69 with a caveat that she's on top because she's not ready for my butthole by eight.

Jack Del Rio stinks

They're starting to wonder if it's more than just the water that smells in Oakland because Jack Del Rio stinks.

The Jaguars season is AFC Championship or bust

We're at the point now, the defense is so good... It's AFC Championship or bust.

Mark Brunell is dead to Jaguars fans because he cried on TV

This is actually a fun fact for most Jaguars fans out there. Mark Brunell's dead to us. Yeah, because he cried... about football... you can't cry about that.

Whataburger's actual burgers are trash

Whataburger is trash... Whenever you talk about a burger joint, you're talking about the burger. You can't say you've got to try Whataburger, but the chicken's really good. I know this great rib joint, but you've got to try the salmon.

Jared Goff is currently a better quarterback than Blake Bortles

[I'm taking] Jared Goff [over Blake Bortles]. I mean, because the Jags only threw one pass in the second half last week... so I feel like if your team... it's a game manager.

I will be happy if the Jacksonville Jaguars manage to win just two games this season

For the last eight years, I've thought that this is our year, like that we're going to be better. That's really so stupid. I'm just going to be like, if we win two games, then I'm happy. Everything else is icing on the cake after two.

The Jaguars have never had the #1 overall pick in franchise history

They've never, ever been the worst team in the league by record... [if they get only two wins] there's a good chance they'll have the number one overall pick, which will be the first time in Jaguars history that they have the number one overall pick.

The Jaguars-Bears game was legitimately one of the worst NFL games ever played

Legitimately one of the worst games I've ever seen. No, it really did [take the fun out of football]. Watching it, I was like, I don't even know why I like this sport.

The Jaguars are officially back if they beat the Chargers

If we win, I feel like the Jaguars are back. I'll say that... we have the Ravens and the Colts after that... I feel like the next 15 are winnable.

Getting shot in the arm feels like being hit by a golf ball at close range

It doesn't feel hot at all. It feels like you're standing in a tee box and somebody just lines up a golf ball and smokes, checks the shit out of you with the golf ball.

Being shot is preferable to watching Mike Mularkey coach the Jaguars

I would get shot 10 times again instead of going through 2011 Jaguars again.

Mississippi State has the lowest IQ fan base in sports

No disrespect to my wife who's a Mississippi State graduate. I would say probably lowest IQ... I would say definitely Mississippi State.

The 2016 Jacksonville Jaguars are going to 'put on a show'

I think we're going to have to bring back the greatest show on turf because this year [the Jaguars] are about to put on a show, a straight-up show.

Commando week is bad because of the drips

Commando week was, whoa, that was bad, dude. Yeah, because there's nothing to stop the drips. And it's the drip sweat that comes off your butt, butthole, taint area that really causes the stink. The underwear keeps that real tight.

It is impossible to satirize Donald Trump because he is already too over the top

I really think that Trump is not – you don't have the ability to satire Trump. Like he says shit that's way over the top of what I would even think of and it's real.