Takes

If you appear on a screen for your job, you should be allowed to use steroids

My new rule is if in the course of your profession, you appear on a screen, you should be allowed to use steroids. That's a fair... It should be legal... If you appear on a screen in your job, just go ahead and shoot up whatever you want.

Not having sex is actually better than having sex because there's more time to think about it

I actually disagree with this [study]. Not having sex kind of rules. You don't have to worry about doing anything. If you don't have sex, there's more time to think about having sex.

Tim Tebow bringing a flatlining man back to life is an 'abortion to death'

If you bring a guy back from death... isn't that giving an abortion to death? It's the equivalent, right? So he's an anti-abortion guy, but he's over here... Death's got a bun in the oven in the third trimester, and Tebow's got the shop vac out.

It is worth breaking your elbow to save your phone from falling on the ground

[Darren McFadden] got [injured] trying to grab his phone because he dropped his phone. That's worth breaking your elbow for. Anyone who's broken their phone before knows if I put in front of you elbow or phone, you're taking elbow over phone all day.