Death 06/29/2016

Kevin Durant will end up staying with the Oklahoma City Thunder

NBA free agency is here, and that means one thing... it's going to be Kevin Durant mania, even though he's going to end up just going back to Oklahoma City.

The Los Angeles Clippers are actually a Temecula team

I've never been to the Staples Center, but I'm kind of an L.A. Clippers truther. I don't think that the Clippers actually play in that city. I think they're, like, more of a Temecula team.

Gabrielle Union would ruin the Golden State Warriors' chemistry

I hope that [Dwyane Wade] goes to Golden State and then... Ayesha Curry gets tasked with showing Gabby [Union] around Oakland. And she's like, please don't make me hang out with this crazy bitch. And Gabby just ruins the chemistry of the entire team. That would be wonderful.

The alpha move on a banana boat is sitting in the front

I would say that the alpha move is sitting at the front of the banana boat... if you're sitting up front, you're the guy that's having a blast. Everybody else is just dealing with your runoffs.

I officially made it in life because Darren Rovell included my tweet in a headline round-up

Guys, I made it. I officially made it in life. I made it on Darren Rovell's headline tweets... Miracle on Iceland. Come on. Just tell me. That's pretty good. I mean, I'm there. You guys are now in the presence of greatness.

I refuse to call Mount McKinley by the name Denali

I have Mount McKinley. I refuse to call it Denali. Screw that. It's Mount McKinley to me.

Tommy Lasorda was about to die but his life has been saved through prayer

There's one more. That's about to go, actually... It's Tommy Lasorda. but we may have intercepted here okay we may have... I think that we've already done that [asked for forgiveness to save him].

Harambe the gorilla had no intentions of hurting the child in the enclosure

He wasn't going to hurt the child. Exactly. He had no intentions of hurting the child at all... He was playing with the child. He was helping the child out of the moat. Exactly. His intentions were not to hurt the child. That I can feel clear.

Muhammad Ali would never have died if he were a female soccer player

Medically they gave it the name Parkinson's... but actually it was not something, I believe that if he was not a fighter, he would never have died because of that. [If he were a woman soccer player] it would have been safer... and he would have had fewer blows to the head.

Johnny Manziel should claim he has diarrhea to fix his reputation

The PR coming out of this is he just says when he comes back that he's got massive diarrhea from Mexico... if you just say explicitly like I've got diarrhea to your boss, your boss is going to be like, yeah, okay, don't go down that road with me. Johnny comes back... and he tells everybody, hey, guys. Sorry. The Montezuma's revenge.

Tim Tebow bringing a flatlining man back to life is an 'abortion to death'

If you bring a guy back from death... isn't that giving an abortion to death? It's the equivalent, right? So he's an anti-abortion guy, but he's over here... Death's got a bun in the oven in the third trimester, and Tebow's got the shop vac out.

James Harrison's home is likely filled with booby traps for Roger Goodell

James Harrison also said that if Roger Goodell wants to interview him, he has to come to his house... That's Home Alone featuring James Harrison with booby traps everywhere for Roger Goodell. He's going to have the blowtorch. He's going to have the ornaments out.