Takes

Politicians who ignored the Flint water crisis deserve severe corporal punishment

Every politician that turned a blind eye to Flint, Michigan, should have their teeth knocked out with a steelhead fence post driver.

Twitter would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen

The first one I have is the Cuban Missile Crisis. So the Cuban Missile Crisis, when the world is about to go in a nuclear standoff, I think Twitter might have actually had it happen. Like if JFK was tweeting at the Russians, like that probably would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen.

Ted Cruz only watches porn on Twitter to avoid his wife seeing his browser history

I just love the fact that Ted Cruz doesn't know that private browsing is a thing, so he watches his porn on Twitter to not get caught by his wife. That is the most quintessential Ted Cruz thing. He only watches porn that he can find on Twitter so that no one knows he's watching porn, and now everyone knows he watches porn.

Hitler was the interim head coach of the fatherland

Back in 1933, the German President Hindenburg appointed Adolf Hitler Chancellor, which roughly translates to interim head coach of the fatherland. And he ruled for four years under the title of temporary chancellor until they could find a turnaround expert to bring in.

The Rio Olympics will be defined by corruption and extortion

Not only is the water full of poop in Rio, but the people that they hired to clean it up stole the money. So pretty classic Olympics we got going on here, folks. We got the environmental stuff. We got the extortion. We got corruption.