Takes

Caitlin and Hannah B from The Bachelor are manipulative liars

The beef between two former pageant girls. Caitlin and Hannah B. heated up as they accused each other of being manipulative liars. So this was, you know, they had the one-on-one dates and they were spending the time on their one-on-one dates talking shit about the other girl.

You should run away from anyone who describes themselves as 'normal'

After, she [Caitlin] said she's pretty normal, lives a pretty normal life, and likes to hang out with her friends. That's what you say when you're not normal, by the way... Anyone, if you ask them, like, what are you like? If they reply normal, run the opposite direction.

Andy Reid's clock management in overtime was baffling and classic Andy Reid

I still don't understand Andy Reid, and I don't want to blame, you know, do the timeout thing, but you have three timeouts in overtime that can't end in a tie... And he let his defense just die out there without calling one timeout, whether it be at a third and ten, whether it be when the Patriots get to the goal line. It was baffling to see... That happened. I guess it wasn't really baffling because that's Andy Reid.

NFL coaches who sing along with the national anthem are cursed to lose their games.

Both of the coaches who sang along with the national anthem lost today... Patriotism on the hot seat. It was Peyton and Andy Reid. Why did we not have a microphone satellite dish right in Andy Reid's face while he was singing along?

Any play the Saints run without Drew Brees under center is a disservice to the team

Anytime you snap the football without Drew Brees under center you're doing your team a disservice. I get it, there's some fun things you can do with Taysom Hill... But, like, it was seriously every fifth or sixth play, like, oh, we haven't had Taysom Hill. Let's get him in there. What are you doing? Just play the Rams straight up, and you'd probably win that game.

Soulja Boy had the biggest comeback in the rap industry in 2018

My who's back of the week is... Big Draco, Soulja Boy... he claimed he had the biggest comeback in 2018, which he probably did. He's got a video game console... First rapper with a console. Huge difference. He's back. He's going to have a huge 2019.

Modern NBA players are too friendly because they all grew up together in AAU and camps

Back in my day, like, everybody was mean, dude... I think that times evolve times change... if I was playing in those last five years, I can look and see that there were 30 guys who've been to my camp that are in the NBA. They were little kids in my camp. So why wouldn't we be friends, right? ... we didn't grow up on the same AAU team in people's basketball camp.

UCLA should hire a young coach who cares about the school rather than Rick Pitino

I think for UCLA it's actually a golden opportunity for them to be smart like the Rams, right? Go get a young dude who cares... who wants to be there for a long time... [Big Cat]: Rick Pitino? [Baron Davis]: No... If you want hookers in the locker room, this is L.A. Imagine what he was doing in Louisville... We don't need Rick Pitino, man.

The best way to manage LeBron James is to challenge him to set picks and focus on team-oriented tasks

You have to challenge LeBron, right? ... finding little things in the game that could be challenging to LeBron that would ultimately dictate a better outcome... Can you set five incredible picks to get somebody open? Can you set a backdoor screen? Things off the ball that allows his teammates to like – so he's in the play but not in the play but still affecting the play.

Playing pickup basketball to 7 by ones and twos is better than playing to 14 by twos and threes because the smaller numbers create more urgency and panic.

It's the same number when you're thinking about ones and twos. It's like you're just getting closer to a smaller number. So that smaller number actually causes more panic. When it's 14, you kind of look at it as a bigger number, and the game wouldn't have the same type of intensity. The more you lower the number... then a two-pointer gets you closer to that seven.

Kyrie Irving loses his man card for apologizing to LeBron James

Taking [Kyrie Irving's] man card because he apologized. He apologized to LeBron... and then he also told the press all about it and made sure that it was a big deal about how he called and apologized.

Naming an airport after someone is actually a terrible honor

The fact that the greatest honor is to be named after an airport sucks... Because everybody hates going there. It's the worst place to go to. And you're like, oh, great. This airport's named after you? Awesome. This sucks.

Clemson being served fast food at the White House is awesome.

I just saw the plates full of Big Macs and Wendy's and pizza. I was like, this is fucking awesome. It looked like essentially being back in college and getting super high and being like, let's just order all the fast food. I'm fully in favor of this move.

A cold Filet-O-Fish is one of the most unappetizing things on Earth.

I can't think of too many things less appetizing than like a cold filet of fish. Yeah, excuse me, McFish. Don't put the filet of fish out there. That's a big time mistake.

Sean McVay is a healthy robot who would hate the White House fast food feast.

It's going to be tougher for McVay, for Sean McVay. He doesn't like this shit. He's a robot. He's like, give me the In-N-Out. [L.A. people] are picky.

The phrase 'mo' money, mo' problems' is dumb; more money actually solves problems.

Mo' money, mo' problems was the dumbest saying ever. I feel like if you have more money, you have less problems. Just as a general rule. Money does solve some problems. Like if you're hungry... You get a chef. Or you get McDonald's.

Always buy an extra small fry to eat in the car so you don't dip into your large fry.

Pro tip for everyone out there... if you go to McDonald's, if you go to a drive-thru, the key is to get a large fry and then get a medium or small fry for just the car. Because you don't want to dip into your large fry when you get home.

The ultimate fast food meal is a Whataburger chicken biscuit with McDonald's fries and Whataburger spicy ketchup.

You go to Whataburger and you get your honey butter chicken biscuit. But you've got to time it right at 10:30, so you drive directly from Whataburger to the McDonald's and you get the McDonald's fries... McDonald's fries are so good, but you use the Whataburger ketchup. The spicy ketchup. The better ketchup.

The Hulu Fyre Festival documentary is better than the Netflix one because the Netflix producers were complicit in the scam.

Hulu pulled up, pulled the alpha move and just released theirs like two or three days beforehand. And it has the actual founder of the Fyre Festival in the documentary... It will probably be better than the Netflix one because in the Hulu one, it says that the one produced by Netflix is featuring the Fuck Jerry people who were like complicit. Very, very, very complicit.

"Fuck it, let's just do it and be legends" is an awesome model for life.

We can pretend like we are scrupulous, but I would say that 'fuck it, let's just do it and be legends' is a pretty awesome model for life.

Being a 'tidying expert' is a fake job.

Marie Kondo is the hottest thing going on Netflix right now. She's a tidying expert from Japan... By the way, a tidying expert, that's a fake job. Just want to let you know, Marie, I don't care that you're a millionaire. You're so good at cleaning.

Gillette is wrong to lecture men about 'toxic masculinity'.

Gillette accused men who shave of having toxic masculinity. As someone that doesn't have to shave frequently, I'm less inclined to be toxically masculine... It's a fucking razor company. The best a man can get. When do razor companies start telling us like, commenting on societal problems? Isn't that a little weird?

Fame is the least appealing part of being an actor.

Still the fame is the least appealing part of it for me. I really like coming to this city [New York] because paradoxically it's a really crowded city but you can kind of be more anonymous here.

Being a lizard guy is better than being a ferret guy.

I like the reptiles. Better than a ferret guy... I think it's the number of lizards. If it's one in a tasteful desert terrarium that's not in the kitchen, then it's fine.

The secret to life is being nice to everyone because you might need something from them later.

I think that's just the guide for life it's like just treat everybody nice because you never know what you're going to need from them later.

Philip Rivers is officially a choker in the playoffs

I love him, but he's a choker... 12-4, they looked good. I don't know. I don't know what to make of it. I feel sad. I'm sad for Phil Rivers, and he has eight children to go home to.

Patrick Mahomes points too much for first downs

My other thing I noticed about Patrick Mahomes... he points too much. He points too much for first downs.

The front of Patrick Mahomes' helmet is way too big

The front of his helmet, that big white space, it's way too big. Don't you think? It should at least have some writing on it, right?

The Cowboys are in absolute purgatory with Dak Prescott

What do you do with Jason Garrett and Dak? Because now I feel like the Cowboys are in absolute purgatory because Dak did... just enough to make you think that he's the guy, but also missed enough throws and looked just, like, so shitty in the pocket at times to be like, this guy can't do it. He is the perfect test case of how the hell can you give him money?

Cody Parkey on Good Morning America is the end of civilization

Cody Parkey on Good Morning America... fucking ridiculous... This is the end of our civilization, folks. Everything that we stood on for the longest time, America, what it was founded on, not feeling bad for kickers when they fuck up. Guess what? It's over. You got one job to do.

To beat Tom Brady, you must have a completely different second-half game plan

The thing with Tom is if he knows what you're in, he's going to the right place. So without disguising coverages and giving him his own coverage, you've got no chance... in the second half, we had a totally different game plan. So you knew that they were going to go into the locker room, get it figured out. So you had to have a second pitch within the game plan.

Quarterback is the coolest position in all of sports

Being the quarterback on an NFL team is the coolest thing you can do in sports. Like, it is. It just is. It's always going to be the coolest thing. It's always going to be the top of the mountain in terms of position, sport, you name it, quarterback, NFL, will always trump almost everything else.

The secret to beating Duke is to poke Zion Williamson in the eye

Turns out the way to beat Duke or come close to beating Duke is just poke Zion in the eye and he just won't come back in the game. A little soft.

The current blueprint for getting hired as an NFL coach is being a young, attractive, short white man who has met Sean McVay.

If you have had a conversation with Sean McVay that's lasted more than one hour, you're probably a QB whisperer and we're going to hire you... Just any young, somewhat attractive white guy that's short, I'm all in.

I'd rather have the Milf Hunter on my team than the Wolf Hunter (Leighton Vander Esch).

I'd rather have the milf hunter on my team than the wolf hunter. Oh, man. Remember that guy? He was such a legend.

The real blueprint to beat the Patriots is forcing Tom Brady to play wide receiver and making Rob Gronkowski play safety.

I'm going to tell you how to beat the Patriots right now... You got to make Tom Brady play wide receiver, and you got to make Rob Gronkowski play safety. If you can do those two things... those are PFT's [keys] to the game.

Cliff Kingsbury is overrated in terms of attractiveness

I don't think Cliff Kingsbury is as hot as people are saying he is... wearing sunglasses all the time in pictures is the easiest way to make people think you're more attractive than you really are... I really do think he's got a weird mouth. A little sideways.

I wouldn't be as successful as I am today if I were tall.

I love being short... If I was tall, then my level of success wouldn't be where it is. Short is part of the reason why I was able to get to where I got.

It is hard to put any player past Michael Jordan in the GOAT conversation, but LeBron James' numbers will be undeniable.

It's tough for me to put anybody past the Jordan conversation, but it's going to be hard to deny these numbers that LeBron James is going to have.

Will Ferrell is the funniest person I've ever worked with

Will Ferrell is up there. Will Ferrell is by far the funniest person I've ever worked with. I would definitely say that... Will Ferrell's level of funny on and off the camera is extremely high. It's effortless.

Eddie Murphy is the funniest person of all time to hang out with

Well, you know, I work with this person, too, and he's the GOAT. But now, hanging out, nobody's funnier than Eddie Murphy... He's that good.

Modern outrage culture has replaced the simple act of 'not supporting' comedy you don't like with active attempts to tear it down.

We forgot the days of just not supporting. Right? You know what I mean?... Now you're finding that people are speaking out on people that they have no interest in supporting at all. So you speak out and you start these things on individuals that you just don't find talented in. At all.

My Oscar monologue was actually really good.

It was fucking actually really good... One of them, I was just going to talk about just how uptensed and so uptight [everyone is]... I was going to pull up a fucking sizzle reel of me but in all my movies doing serious lines so the comics [could laugh].

Nick Saban looked like an anaconda squeezing the life out of himself because he got outcoached

Little Nick Saban looked like he was going to explode on the sidelines. He got outcoached. He was outcoached by far. He does the thing where when he's really mad, you can tell because he just turns red and he crosses his arms and he just squeezes his own body. And he was like an anaconda squeezing the life out of himself because he knows he's not going to get that nut after the game that he needs.

Something is wrong with Alabama's coaching staff for packing it in before halftime with three timeouts

The end of the first half when Nick Saban, Tua [Tagovailoa] has about 50 seconds, 45 seconds, three timeouts... you have a prolific offense and I think they maybe ran two plays and said, you know what, let's pack it in. We'll take all three timeouts and go into the locker room. I was like, what is going on right now? Something is wrong with Alabama's coaching staff or their game plan, whatever it may be.

The blueprint to beating Tua Tagovailoa is hitting him in the groin in the first quarter

The blueprints out there for how to beat Tua [Tagovailoa] is hit him in his dick in the first quarter, and then he'll just be thinking about his balls for the rest of the game.

The National Championship winner should have to play Georgia for the 'real' title every year

There should be a plus one at the end of every single national championship where the winner, the title winner, gets to play Georgia for the real National Championship. Say what you want about Georgia, but they have exciting games against Alabama. And Clemson ruined it.

Trevor Lawrence didn't carve apart Alabama; he just threw jump balls that his receivers caught

I actually, this is a little bit of a hot take. I think [Trevor Lawrence] is going to be special, but I didn't walk away from that game being like, wow, he carved them apart. He threw a bunch of jump balls that the Alabama defense was terrible and the Clemson wide receivers made awesome plays.

Drake jinxes teams publicly and then bets against them to profit privately

Drake, is he the best gambler in the world? Because he basically wears the clothing of the team and then bets against them. And it always works in his way. So he wears Kentucky clothes, or he says he's an Alabama fan, and then he bets against them in the big game and cashes his tickets.

You should be allowed to walk your dog in just boxers and slippers before 9 AM

If you have a dog and it's before 9 a.m., you should be able to walk on the street in just boxers... boxers and slippers. And people can't say anything. It's the dog walking rule.