Takes

If you appear on a screen for your job, you should be allowed to use steroids

My new rule is if in the course of your profession, you appear on a screen, you should be allowed to use steroids. That's a fair... It should be legal... If you appear on a screen in your job, just go ahead and shoot up whatever you want.

If a singer sucks at an open mic in Texas, you're supposed to tackle them

I found out that it was at an open mic [the Josh Beckett incident]... I feel like at an open mic in Texas if the guy sucks you're kind of you're supposed to tackle him. Yeah that's true he just was like a deputized bouncer.

Robert Griffin III looks hilarious when he gets injured

I'm just going to say it... Robert Griffin looks hilarious when he gets injured. The dude is like, he's all arms and legs. He looks like Stretch Armstrong. Even when he's not getting injured, he looks like he's about to get injured. His body is shaped like an asterisk.

Tim Tebow bringing a flatlining man back to life is an 'abortion to death'

If you bring a guy back from death... isn't that giving an abortion to death? It's the equivalent, right? So he's an anti-abortion guy, but he's over here... Death's got a bun in the oven in the third trimester, and Tebow's got the shop vac out.

David Stern is still secretly pulling the strings of the NBA behind the scenes

Adam Silver's not. Adam Silver cleaned up the league... Meanwhile David Stern is behind the scenes suspending Draymond Green and getting these ratings... he's the master puppet and I love it.