Takes

Tony Romo was surprisingly good in his first year as an announcer

I swear to God on the lives of everyone I love, I was absolutely blown away at how good [Tony Romo] was. I really was. I was predicting he was going to have a tough transition because you have to be loud and you have to be kind of over the top... I thought he was fantastic.

NFL replays are too long and break the game's momentum

I think the replays are too long. It's too hair-splitting. It breaks up the momentum and the pace of a game. And I think eventually people are like... Just move on.

The NFL catch rule fails the eye test even if the letter of the law is technically followed

The Calvin Johnson one that kind of started all this... Against the Bears was like he made a catch, went to the ground, basically went to his locker, and the ball fell out. And they're like, nope, not a catch. It was a catch. Same with the Dez Bryant game... by the letter of the law, yeah, they're not catches. But the law is not right. It doesn't pass the eye test.

U.S. Bank Stadium in Minneapolis is the best new stadium ever

That stadium [U.S. Bank Stadium] is hands down the best new stadium ever. And for the sight lines from a broadcaster's perspective, that thing was like in my lap.

Oracle Park in San Francisco is leaps and bounds better than any other new ballpark

I think San Francisco, of all the new ballparks, is... Leaps and bounds. But the worse your seat is, the better your view. You're looking out into the bay.

Tiger Woods is not 'back' yet

[Do you think Tiger Woods is back?] No. ... If he's in it, I'm watching. ... And yes, my God, please come back and be great. That would be awesome.

Peyton Manning will be a great broadcaster if he chooses to do it

I would love to see Peyton Manning broadcast games. ... I think he'll be really good. I don't know.

Canelo Alvarez eating steroid-tainted meat is a genius PR move to cover up doping

Canelo Alvarez, who tested positive for steroids. And he said it was actually because he was eating too many Mexican cows. ... I actually think this played. ... That's actually a smart thing to do is you just go in the off season, eat Mexican cows, and then when you get busted, be like, well, sorry. All I did was eat Mexican cows.

Bullpen carts are the only thing baseball is currently doing right

The bullpen cart is back, which is incredible. Like baseball finally doing something right. I don't care about pace of play. I really don't. ... It speeds up the game when it really probably takes four seconds off, maybe.

Morning sex is the best kind of sex, especially in a hotel

I'm going to go on the record. Morning sex is the best sex there is. Hotel sex. In the morning. Ooh. Double threat.

Men and women should never stop grooming their pubic hair

What is the age where it is normal that you stop shaving or waxing your pubes? ... Never is the answer. ... I think you always ... Guys and girls. You got to keep it together down there. I mean, would you let your lawn just go unkempt?

October is the best sports month, but March is a close second

I think October is probably my favorite month in terms of sports because you have football and baseball playoffs. But March is pretty close because there is nothing like wall-to-wall college basketball and championship week.

You should schedule a vasectomy for the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament so you have an excuse to watch basketball for two days

All the guys know if you need to get your balls cut off, you got to do it that first weekend so you have permission to sit on the couch and watch college basketball for two days nonstop. Yes, you got the frozen peas on your balls.

Scouts will reasonably drop Shaquem Griffin in the draft because he only has one hand

I can't wait for people to get mad when he falls in the draft a little bit. Look, I think he's a good player, and he did well at the Combine, but he does not have one hand. So, like, I think... That's a fair criticism to throw out there. That doesn't mean that he's not going to be a good NFL player, but I think most scouts would probably say, I'd prefer two hands than one.

John Beilein is one of the best coaches in college basketball

John Beilein's an unbelievable coach. I do not root for Michigan, but John Beilein is one of the best coaches in college basketball. I'm comfortable saying that.

The Chicago Bears have the best fans in the NFL

Who has the best fans in the NFL? Chicago. That's an easy one. I'm positive.

If you don't have the quarterback position right in the NFL, you are swimming upstream

I think we all know, like in the NFL, especially now, I mean, it all starts with a quarterback and if you don't have that position right, then you're swimming upstream. So, you know, there's a good feeling in our building right now when we feel like we had that guy [Trubisky].

I believe in Bear Weather

Do you believe in bear weather? Do I believe in bear weather? Yes. I was going to say, this is an important question. Okay. You believe in bear weather. Yes.

Success for the 2018 Bears means beating the Green Bay Packers

What's success look like in 2018? Beat the Packers. There we go.

Chili is not a soup

Is chowder a soup? Is chili a soup? Chili's not a soup. Chili is a chili. You eat it with a spoon, it's soupy. No, but you don't call clam chowder soup. Just trust me. Chili's not a soup. If I say that chili's a soup, do you know how many chili fans there are on the internet? They're the fucking worst.

Steve from Blue's Clues has a million potential memes in his face

I'm going to call my shot here. I feel like Blue's Clues has like a million memes in it. That guy, Steve, with his fucking stupid old Navy shirt, that guy for sure has a memeable face.

Jeff Fisher and Bruce Arians not being at the Combine is a shock to the system

The only surprise that I've had is that Jeff Fisher hasn't been spotted walking around... Him and like Bruce Arians, if you had told me at the start of the week that they wouldn't be here, I would have called you a liar. They're like... You know how ducks get born in a nest and then they leave and they instinctually return?

The NFL Combine is just a giant excuse for the entire league to get drunk in Indianapolis

Well, what we realized, too, is the Combine is basically an entire fraud operation so that everyone can come to Indianapolis and get drunk. Yeah, because when you break it down, the athletes that they're scouting, they've already scouted in detail... Why are they having everyone get into underwear and run on turf in Indianapolis? Oh, it's because Indianapolis is the one city in America where every bar is connected to a hotel and has a steakhouse.

I could have beaten the Eagles in the playoffs if I were coaching the Saints

[Sean Payton] can say, though, like, I could have beat the Eagles. [PFT: And then, therefore, I would have been Super Bowl champion.] Yes, absolutely.

Las Vegas hotels should build CamelBak hoses into the walls next to beds for hungover guests

Everyone's been so drunk that the next morning... you realize that you are so thirsty that you could basically drink the entire ocean... so this is more of an idea for Vegas... they need to build those camelback hoses into the wall and just so they pop out right underneath your bed. So you can just wake up, open your mouth, and then you just squeeze it.

There should be a 'Paperboy' style app where food trucks throw pre-made burgers out the window to drunk people

So my drunk idea is... You guys remember that video game Paperboy?... it's a slow creeping car that just drives up and down busy like bar streets... you hit the button and you order like a burger. They just roll down the window and toss it. They have pre-made burgers, pre-made hot dogs, pre-made pizzas, and they just throw it out the window.

High-end restaurants are doing it wrong by not having pictures of the food on the menu

What would you guys say is the one thing that tells you a restaurant is classy?... It is pictures on the menu, so you know what the food looks like. So I went to a really classy dinner last Friday, and they didn't have pictures on the menu... they need to have a picture option. So it's like a Denny's or an IHOP, but you're eating at a Michelin-rated restaurant.

I clearly beat Canelo Alvarez in our first fight

You know, I was doing my job, I hit him more, and the computer showed that, and the judges showed that, so that's all I have to say.

James Harden didn't just break Wesley Johnson's ankles, he snatched his soul by making the shot

It's so cocky because I think we all agree, if James Harden misses that shot... the soul-taking doesn't take place. It's just an ankle-breaking. When you make the shot, it's a soul snatch. And so James Harden was so cocky and just like, I'm just going to stand here for an extra beat.

Limiting pass interference penalties to 15 yards will cause receivers to be 'mugged' downfield

It's going to be like the purge for the Seahawks receivers more than 15 yards downfield. ... the NFL is going to create a new law that's going to have like a million unintended consequences to it.

The NFL should stop the clock after first downs under two minutes like college football

The only rule I really want to see in the NFL is... I want the NFL to... adopt the clock stops after a first down under two minutes like the college [rule]. Because it makes—you can come back with 45 seconds left. It's awesome to watch.

Cloning your dog is a 'spooky' mistake because the environment and soul will be different

I don't think I would clone my dog. ... You'd raise it in a different environment, so it'd be a little bit different. And then you'd look at it when it wasn't acting like your old dog and be like, 'Who are you? You aren't my dog.' There's something spooky going on here.

Kevin Love is reading The Godfather to try and bond with LeBron James

Kevin Love is reading The Godfather... He's getting on LeBron's level. They're going to have a lot to talk about. They're going to sit next to each other on plane rides and just talk about Fredo.

In comedy and audio, the 'fatter the funnier'

I say especially when it comes to comedy and audio comedy... the fatter, the funnier, the fatter, the funnier.

The NFL should allow all players to smoke marijuana

I enjoy marijuana a lot... I think it's made my life exponentially better... the NFL should let all their players smoke... because there's such a high percentage... there is actual medical relief for it. I think the NFL will get over it.

The internet is a 'hustler's paradise' for content creators

It's a hustler's paradise in the content world. And it really becomes like the forefront of your mind for everything. So it's like it never stops.

The term 'amateurism' is a made-up concept used by the NCAA to exploit athletes

Every single year, we would have the NCAA meeting... they would always use this word amateurism, the word that they created, and then they'd lock it down on it. Like... Well, you can't affect your amateurism status. Like, motherfucker, you made up that word.

The NCAA's arbitrary rules are a good life lesson that 'rich people don't give a fuck about you'

Isn't it a good life lesson just in general to have a bunch of arbitrary bullshit rules that are made up by some random guy that you have to follow? ... It actually in a fucked up backwards way it actually does teach you the most... and it's that rich people don't give a fuck about you and they just want to keep their money.

The fear of failure is a necessary and healthy driver for success

People that say you're not supposed to be afraid of failure, I think, are so full of shit. ... That fear of failure is what's driving me to work to be good. ... It shouldn't shut you down, but it definitely should be there.

Lonzo Ball needs to fix his shot after losing to Bow Wow

If you lose to Lil' Bow Wow with no shoes on, you have to then go fix your shot. ... I know everyone says, oh, don't mess with Lonzo's game. [But] you have to then go fix your shot.

Curling will not become a mainstream popular sport in America

I'm not going to hate on curling. But don't fucking tell me curling is going to be big... don't start doing the Darren Revell and telling me that esports are going to take over the world and our kids are going to be playing curling soon... it's shuffleboard that we play when we're drunk at a bar.

Everything Marcus Peters tweets is excusable because he admitted he is 'hella dumb'

It's a disclaimer on everything Marcus Peters said. He says, 'I'm hella dumb.' Everything he says after that point, you cannot hold it to him. Everything else is just a prank... You can't get in trouble for quoting a song. You can't get mad at art.

Justin Thomas is a 'pussy' for having a heckler kicked out

Your day's done. Had him kicked out. Had him kicked out. What a fucking dick. Which just means that hecklers are inside Justin Thomas' head, even though he won... What a little pussy that guy is.

Zaza Pachulia is the biggest threat to the NBA's health because he hurts superstars

The NBA is probably the healthiest league overall when you think about growth. Zaza Pachulia is the one thing that could break it all down because he just hurts people left and right... He hurt Kevin Durant, his own player. He hurt Kawhi, the Spurs... The guy is a menace.

The NCAA basketball scandal is not ruining the sport, but changing it for the better

No, college basketball as we know it's getting changed and changed for the better... you can't have people running around on college campuses giving kids money... but not ruin but change and I think change for the better fellas.

The NCAA should allow players to use their likeness and change the one-and-done rule

They're going to change a couple things. They may let players use their likeness. They may change the one-and-done rule... until the NCAA says [to coaches] you commit a major violation, you are banned from coaching college basketball... nothing's going to change.

Any college coach who knowingly commits a major violation should be banned for life

Knowingly commit a major violation, you are banned from coaching college basketball. You can go coach NAIA. You can go coach the pros. You can coach high school. But you can't coach college basketball.

The best basketball players in the NBA came straight out of high school, so let them go pro

The best players in the NBA, damn near, came straight out of high school, and I'm going to Kobe [Bryant] and LeBron [James]... basketball, let them go. Absolutely. Let them go. Let them try. If they don't make it, hell, I'd even say if a kid went out of high school, went in a draft, he didn't get drafted, let him go to college.

Top football and basketball conferences should break away from the NCAA

I think the biggest thing that could change the NCAA as a whole is if the top 100 basketball and top 100 football conferences or teams – just completely break off from the NCAA and form their own thing. I think that's the best thing they could do because then they can play by their own rules in a sense.

Tim Tebow can finally hit the broad side of a barn since he's hitting a shed in batting practice

[Tim Tebow] has been really killing it in batting practice... because he's hitting a shed. There's a shed out in the right field and he's hitting the shed frequently... It looks like Tim Tebow can finally hit the broad side of a barn.