Takes

Tom Crean shouldn't have been fired by Indiana

I feel bad for Tom. I like him. I like his family... But, you know, you put yourself in a position, man, they're going to fire you, so he'll be fine, but I didn't think he should have been fired.

Brad Underwood is a great hire for Illinois

That is a great hire, man. That dude is a ball coach. He's offense... I think he's a great hire. Absolutely great hire for Illinois.

Gonzaga is a team of destiny because they absorbed Northwestern's power

I do believe in teams of destiny absorbing the teams they beat and their destiny... So they took out Northwestern, which was a true team of destiny, and they absorbed all that destiny. They're double the destiny.

Vanderbilt's late-game foul against Northwestern was the dumbest move since Chris Webber's timeout

Northwestern advances on the dumbest foul since Chris Webber. Yeah, that's pretty bad. Dumbest move since Chris Webber called the timeout in the national championship game. Boneheaded, just complete brain fart. What happened, I'm sure you all saw, but Vanderbilt was up one and Matthew Fisher Davis decided to foul with 10 seconds left. 45 feet past half court from Northwestern's basket and they end up losing by one. Unbelievable move.

I'm officially done with people laughing at Bill Murray just for being Bill Murray

I don't hate Bill Murray at all. I hate what Bill Murray has become. I was a year ahead of the curve on this. So last year when I said this, you guys were like, what's going on? Bill Murray's the best. And now I think people are starting to realize that just because Bill Murray shows up at your bar mitzvah drunk doesn't mean he's pulling off some great comedic stuff. I'm just done with people laughing at Bill Murray for being Bill Murray.

Tom Crean is a good coach, but his 'stupid face' makes it impossible to survive a bad season

I'm going to miss Tom Crean. I said it before he was getting fired. Unfortunately, what happened to Tom Crean, I don't think he's that bad of a coach. He's a pretty good recruiter. But if you have a bad season and you have a stupid fucking face, it's impossible to overcome that.

LeVar Ball's plan is just to get a billion dollar contract for himself using his kids

He's reached the point where everything that he says is picked up by every media source possible. So he knows that no matter what comes out of his mouth it's going to be distributed nationwide and that's kind of his plan right? He wants to develop the brand he wants to have a high profile so his kids can get a billion or sorry so that he can get a billion dollar contract. And then his kids will get a little taste of that.

Tommy Lasorda is mentally sharp but his physical stature is overrated

Tommy's fine. He's upright. He's around. He's mentally very spry. Physically, he's not at the top of his game, but mentally he is... Overrated. He's sharp. You know when you get older and they have that row of 20 lines that they can go to in any situation, you can't beat them at anything? He's at that stage.

I love when hitters celebrate and flip bats, even if it's against me

Actually, I like hitter celebrating, even if it's in a way that I don't agree with. Just do it. Do your thing. I'd be okay with it.

I'm fine with having dementia in 30 years as a result of my baseball career

Yeah, you just keep it out of your head as much as you can and just know you're going to have dementia in 30 years and you're okay with it.

Jim Harbaugh's enthusiasm for his own colonoscopy makes him a 'basic bitch'

Jim Harbaugh, who yesterday tweeted, 'attacking this day with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind before my 1:30 p.m. colonoscopy.' I also like it because he's kind of a basic bitch. He has like a black and white picture of him smiling in the middle of a street in Ann Arbor. Like, 'hey, I'm about to go get my butthole fingered.'

Jim Harbaugh should not be attacking the day with enthusiasm before a colonoscopy; he needs to let his butthole relax

I'm pretty sure your doctor's orders before that procedure include do not attack this day with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind. Like that's a day that you just chill out for a while. Like let your butthole just kind of relax.

Dating a woman who owns a cat by herself is a major red flag

Your first mistake was dating a girl that owns a cat by herself. That's a red flag right there.

Rugby is the sport of the future

I was at the rugby tournament. That is the sport of the future. It solidified it. Shout out another semifinals for the U.S. national team.

The Somali Pirates are officially a dynasty because they robbed their first ship in five years

My cool throne Somali Pirates. They robbed a ship for the first time in five years. Hell yes. So they are back.

Wisconsin being an 8-seed is the worst injustice in college basketball history

This is the worst season of the tournament of my lifetime. This is the worst injustice in college basketball history. Wisconsin swept Minnesota. They finished second in the Big Ten in the regular season, and then they were the runner-ups in the Big Ten tournament. And then Minnesota gets a 5 seed, and Wisconsin got an 8 seed. I don't understand it.

Baylor is the biggest fraud team in the tournament

SMU... I pick them for two reasons. One, I just like them... And two, I think Baylor's the biggest fraud team in the tournament.

Duke isn't a good team, they just have good players

Duke is back to being back. But we're conveniently ignoring that Duke was down 15 in all these ACC tournament games... Duke is not a good team. They have good players, but they're not actually a good team. And SMU is a good team. So it wouldn't surprise me to see SMU win.

Gonzaga is the best team in the country

I actually like Gonzaga. I think Gonzaga's the best team in the country, and I know that's absolutely insane to say. I don't expect them to win at all, but I do think they're the best team and the most complete team.

Jim Harbaugh's parents rooted for John in the Super Bowl because Jim would be unbearable with a ring

I bet you his parents were rooting for John to win that Super Bowl. Because Jim Harbaugh with a Super Bowl ring over John would be unbearable at any family gathering from that point on. He would wear it every Thanksgiving.

A 10-seed needs to win at least one game to 'make some noise' in the tournament

So, hey, there are a couple 10 seeds out there that could make some noise... We don't know what noise means, but it depends. It's like on a sliding scale, if a 15 seed comes within 10 points of beating a two seed, they made some noise... But if a 10 seed, they have to win at least one game to make some noise.

Wisconsin got screwed by the NCAA Tournament selection committee with an 8-seed

I am biased, but Wisconsin got fucked... they're an eight seed which I'm fine with because they haven't played well but Minnesota is a five seed and Wisconsin beat Minnesota two times this year.

Everyone needs to stop with the Chicago Cubs dynasty talk; they've only won one World Series

Stop with this dynasty talk. Okay? The dynasty is happening. The dynasty is on. Red Sox fans became insufferable, and now it's the Cub fans... Just get in the tournament, win a game, and get back to me.

Broadcasters should never bet on games they are announcing

I really gave up betting on games that I'm announcing... I would not recommend that any analyst or play-by-play guy do a game [they bet on] simply because it influences how you view the game and the athletes that are involved.

The best betting strategy for March Madness is to always take the underdogs

Underdogs, underdogs, underdogs. [They're always barking.]

Russell Wilson acts like a seventh grader who is in love for the first time

This is the behavior of a seventh grader who's in love for the first time... I just don't understand why you have to tell the world constantly that you love your wife.

There is no point to checking out of a hotel; it's a vestige of the past

Explain to me what the reason of checking out of a hotel is... Today I walked down the lobby and there was a line all the way out the door of people waiting to check out. What is the point? They're nerds... Clocks are a vestige of the past. I tell my own time.

Both the Texans and the Browns won the Brock Osweiler trade, even though neither team got better

It's a rare trade where both teams I think both teams won this trade right but neither team got better right? It is a factual statement to say that the Browns, the Cleveland Browns, made a good trade that involved taking on Brock Osweiler in his contract which it sounds like they're going to cut him so it's just the contract but... both teams won.

I don't hate the Chicago Bears' three-year, $43 million contract for Mike Glennon

I don't want to say I predicted it, but I basically predicted it the whole way down to Ryan Pace seemingly negotiating against himself... Everyone flips out... i saw it was like 19 million guaranteed so it's probably a two-year contract they can probably let him go... so i don't really hate it and this is how this is step one of me talking myself into Mike Glennon.

I am officially a Baltimore Ravens fan because of the Joe Flacco and Danny Woodhead backfield

Danny Woodhead going to the Ravens... Him and Joe Flacco. I think I'm officially a Ravens fan. That's going to be the grittiest, elitist backfield. Grit Leap.

Bill Belichick intentionally shifts the Patriots' one weakness every year so other teams can't catch up

I have a theory now that Belichick just makes sure he shifts what the Patriots' one weakness is every year so no team can catch up. You don't get the bulk on him.

Magic Johnson was the absolutely right hire to lead the Lakers' front office

Absolutely. We love Magic... Everything Magic does is fit. Magic is one of those rare beacons of hope. He's just like—Magic is perfect. The best thing David Stern ever did was with Magic Johnson.

Solar energy is the biggest no-brainer in the history of the world

Think of it as a solar. Solar energy is the biggest no-brainer in the history of the world. Are you kidding? It is so sunny out there. More solar energy hits the Earth every day... Every day. Don't whine. Don't complain. I'm choosing solar power.

Larry Bird is the greatest player I ever played with

Greatest player I ever played with... He made us all play better... Larry never got tired of just torching other people, and he's incredibly driven. He's a brilliant guy. He loves to portray himself as the hick from French Lick. Don't ever buy into that. This guy is so sharp, and so smart, and so pure.

The 2017 Chicago Bears should have hired a coach like John Wooden to provide structure and discipline

The way we do this show... Coach Wooden... Structure, organization, discipline, focus, you know, platform. And that's where the sacrifice comes in... Hopefully we achieve something here today.

Russell Westbrook has the best stats in the NBA, but his team is not good

Russell Westbrook, who by far has the best stats, but his team is not good. Is he just the guy that's always the best player in the league and has been for the last 10 years? [LeBron James].

James Harden's MVP argument is just that he isn't as terrible at defense as he used to be

Basically James Harden's whole argument is he's not as shitty at defense as he used to be. He tries a little bit on defense. Was he slow playing us this entire time? Like sitting and bagging us on defense and just waiting for a season to give half of a shit?

Dirk Nowitzki has one of the most underrated careers in NBA history

[Dirk Nowitzki] is by far one of the most underrated careers because you kind of just forgot about him after he won the finals but he has been like quietly incredible for so so long.

There is a massive difference between 'playing hurt' and 'playing in pain,' and all great athletes play through pain

There's a difference between playing hurt and playing in pain. Everybody's in pain all the time when you're playing. You push yourself. The athletes, you become great because that's what you want to do.

It is impossible to find happiness or move forward in life without a loving partnership

It's hard to move forward in life unless you're happy in love, that partnership. I'm a team guy. I've always been about the team.

Bill Russell is the greatest basketball player ever and a personal hero

Bill Russell, my basketball hero, favorite player ever on and off the court. Champions, mental acuity, emotional commitment.

David Stern is the most important man in the history of basketball

David Stern, the most important man in the history of all basketball. He's PFT's size. Little tiny guy over here in a world built for preschool children, right? But here's David Stern, who never shot a basket, but he brought the business acumen... to use the NBA to make the world a better place.

ESPN should hire Bill Belichick for one day specifically to fire all the employees they are cutting

I think they should bring in Bill Belichick, hire him one day contract, have him fire everyone, soften the blow. Because when Bill Belichick fires you, it means you could still be at the peak... He's doing it one year too early. And he's actually doing you a favor by letting you get on the market and test the waters.

The Chicago Bears essentially bid against themselves to sign Mike Glennon

I think the Bears got into bidding war with themselves. I don't think anyone else is going after Mike Glennon. And the price keeps going up... Ryan Pace is the only guy at the table.

Russell Wilson and Ciara's naked pregnancy photo shoot is extremely 'problematic' and too much

She's holding her naked five-year-old while she's naked. She's pregnant. Russell Wilson is naked with his face in her [behind], and he's holding her belly... At what point, though, is it like, this is just too much?

Lavar Ball is just the basketball version of Kris Jenner

That Lavar Ball is just the basketball Kris Jenner. I don't know what that means, but I'm into it. He is basically going to market his sons so relentlessly and throw them in our face.

Rugby is already huge in America

I'm going to take you one step further and say rugby is already huge in America. This was the, yeah, we're here. Get used to it.

Music and atmosphere in NBA arenas directly affects player rhythm and pace

It was like the sloppiest game ever, and that's not just because the Knicks are always sloppy, but it was like no one could get a rhythm... Then they put the music on in the second half, and the pace picked right up, and they almost hit the over... So it was clear that the music did actually affect the players.

Basketball is a 'candy-ass sport' because players require music and atmosphere to find a rhythm

See, this is why basketball is like a candy-ass sport. You need all these little distractions and stuff because there's so many breaks in the action. It's not like a nonstop thrill ride like the NFL is where you don't need any commercials or music playing or replays or anything like that.

Mitchell Trubisky changed his name to 'Mitchell' purely to avoid the 'Mitch the Bitch' nickname

I think he did that just simply so people can't say he's mitch the bitch which makes sense right