Takes

Being on LeBron James's team guarantees you will eventually be traded

If you are part of LeBron's team, this is since July 2010... there's been 42 trades if you were on LeBron's team. ... essentially, if you're on LeBron's team, it's not a if, it's just a when. LeBron will decide to trade you.

I'm hoping the Lakers sign Carmelo Anthony; he would be a nice piece for them.

I'm hoping that Carmelo Anthony, who is not officially retired, he would be a nice piece [for the Lakers]. Pay him just whatever. ... There are a lot of guys out there who I would like to see get a little run for the Lakers at zero dollars.

Jim Nantz is the best broadcaster to ever call golf on television

I'd rather listen to [Jim Nantz] do golf than listen to myself do golf. ... I think he's the best to ever call golf on TV in my lifetime, or at least in my adulthood. And I wanted to hear him do golf at Pebble Beach. ... I'd rather fall asleep to him calling golf while I lay on the couch than anybody else.

Jim Nantz has the best nap voice in America.

He has, I think, the best nap voice in America out of any announcer. ... If his voice was on my alarm clock, I'd never get up because he just has that soothing [voice].

I would support but not encourage my daughter if she wanted to box

I would not like my daughter to fight. ... I know I will never tell my kids not to. I am not encouraging them to, but at the same time, I will support them whatever they want to do, you know, in life, because you have to.

I truly believe that we can change the world through the food that we eat.

I truly believe that we can change the world through the food that we eat because food is killing a lot of people too in terms of heart disease and obesity and diabetes and chronic illness. So I try to teach people that they can take control of their health.

A cross breeze is better than using air conditioning

Listen, son. You can just open up the windows on both sides. You get a great cross breeze through the house. It's the same thing as having AC on. ... Cross breeze is better than the AC.

Kawhi Leonard is actually more fun than the internet portrays him

Let's be nice to Kawhi. I think Kawhi is more fun than we then the internet collectively has put on him. ... The brand is very strong. ... There's nothing he can do at this point to be like, oh, my God, Kawhi's coming out of his shell.

I am less confident in humanity's survival after hearing about people who eat live bugs.

You have people who have been eating bugs their entire life think that they need to share their story with the internet. ... Now we know about him. And I feel like 0.01% less confident that humanity will continue.

Injuries are part of the game and shouldn't lead to an asterisk for the Raptors' title

Being healthy is part of winning an NBA championship. And I hate when people do the asterisks. Being healthy is part of winning an NBA championship.

The Golden State Warriors are officially a dynasty after five straight Finals appearances and three titles

I count anything three and four. I think yes. I'd say three out of four. Absolutely. Three out of five is when you really start to have the conversation. [But] three out of four and five straight finals.

The Kawhi Leonard trade is the most perfect one-year rental gamble in NBA history

The best trade ever for a one year guy... going all in for one year and being like, let's just do it. Let's have Kawhi come to Toronto. He might not stay... and just throw all of our chips in the middle, and it worked out. There's never been a trade like that that has worked so perfectly.

Kawhi Leonard will be considered the best player in the world for at least the next year

Whoever wins the title is the best player in the world. And so Kawhi will be the best player in the world for at least a year.

I want the US Open course to be harder; currently it is being a 'wussy'

The course is being a little bit of a wussy... I want even par to win my U.S. Open. I want shitty golf. I want awful golf.

The St. Louis Blues' run from last place to Stanley Cup champions is insane and impressive

I don't like the Blues, but I'm going to give them some credit here because the fact that they went from the worst team in the NHL January 2nd to winning the Stanley Cup is insane. That's an insane run. Binnington was insane.

Acai bowls are a scam that make you fat because they are basically just ice cream

I found out about them [Acai Bowls]. They're awesome. It's basically ice cream. But then I found out they make you fat... Turns out it basically is ice cream. They're labeled as superfood.

The USWNT should run up the score in World Cup group play because goal differential is the first tiebreaker

The first tiebreaker is goal differential. So if we lose to Chile by 15 goals, then we're fucked. It's just good that we scored a Baker's dozen [against Thailand].

Doing LSD with your parents is a high-risk, low-reward proposition

If you do LSD with your parents, your ceiling is having not a bad time... Your basement, your floor is freaking out and irreparably damaging your relationship with your parents.

You can't ask a player like Kevin Durant to change his style of play to accommodate an injury

Saying that [Durant] should change his game to fit the injury that he's coming off of... It is bullshit. It's like you don't tell a guy to completely change what they're doing and become like Klay Thompson if you're Kevin Durant. Only catch and shoot. Don't try to create anything off the dribble. Like you don't tell a lion, okay, only chase down a wildebeest if it's making a left.

Bob Myers' tears at the Kevin Durant press conference were 'guilty man' tears

I'm going to say it was more because he [Bob Myers] fucked up somehow. Yeah, those are the tears. And if he cries, those are the tears of a guilty man who's like, I need to be super emotional because I know that my medical staff fucked up by allowing him to go out there and now everyone would be like, oh, poor Bob Myers, he really cares.

Sports fans are, by definition, not well-adjusted human beings

If you are a fan of any team, any sport, and you think your fan base doesn't have bad moments, you're crazy. Because literally, step one of being a fan, it's fanatic. Sports fans, by definition, are not well-adjusted human beings.

Michael Jordan's 90s Bulls were much bigger than the current Warriors

They were the Beatles. It was so much bigger than the Warriors. People have no idea... They say that, I mean, I have traveled with the Warriors too and they say it's equal, but it's not equal because I've done both.

Toronto fans 'blacked out' when Kevin Durant got injured because they have never won anything

You want to win at all costs. You want to see your team win a championship at all costs. And that's totally okay... But in that moment, you blacked out. You have never won anything. And you see, like, the best player in the world go down. You're like, oh, shit. This is actually going to happen.

Nick Nurse called one of the worst timeouts of all time in Game 5

Nick Nurse with one of the worst timeouts of all time. He said he was actually trying to get them some rest... Kawhi Leonard goes supernova, 10 points in like 90 seconds. I swear to God, Nick Nurse called that timeout to soak it in... It's like, what are you doing, dude? You have all the momentum in the world.

Alexi Lalas has the most smug face in national sports media

Alexi Lalas looking like a smug prick on national television. It's Alexi Lalas season, and that means that he gets to stare into the camera after every single game looking smugly like he kidnapped your dog... He's back in a bit. He's got the most smug face, I think, on national sports media these days.

Tiger Woods should have turned down the Presidential Medal of Freedom from Donald Trump

And Tiger Woods represents complete opposite. The Tiger Woods Foundation bringing golf to all these people that didn't know about it. You're going to take that award... How is that an objective recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom? I mean, I get he can't turn it down. But to me, that's just star fucking of the worst kind.

The St. Louis Dispatch's leaked 'championship' ad is more embarrassing than the mistake itself

I don't really blame the St. Louis Dispatch because they do have to be prepared. But to get that leaked is the big issue here. I think what happened was they were trying to sell ads... and then somebody took a picture of that email and sent it out.

A Bruins Stanley Cup Game 7 at home is a once-in-a-lifetime sports event

It's like Game 7 at home Bruins once in a lifetime thing, but I'm not a diehard Bruins fan. But it's your birthday and it's a party.

Sports fans are forbidden from shaving their beards during a deep playoff run

If you're a sports fan and you're a fan of your hockey team and they're in fucking Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Final and you have a beard, you cannot shave it. I don't care if you're superstitious.

Dynasties end with a whimper, and the Warriors are currently in that stage

Whenever a dynasty ends, you just sit there being like... Oh, they're going to turn it on. It's going to happen. And it just doesn't. History shows that it's probably more likely the Raptors will finish them off on Monday night.

The 2019 Raptors are so good they are forcing sports fans to ignore their 'caveman' instincts that the Warriors are inevitable

The Raptors are so fucking good. They played so well that our dumb brains, our caveman brains on Monday night are like, the Warriors will kill them. But if you look at history... The Raptors would probably win.

I need football back because I'm watching obscure sports like beach volleyball and under-20 soccer out of desperation

The amount of sports that are on that are sports I don't care about is an insane amount right now. And I just, this, my who's back is I need football back because I wrote down everything that I watched this weekend... I watched some WNBA. I watched some lacrosse. I watched some tennis. I watched some beach volleyball... I watched an under-20 soccer match that we lost.

The US Men's National Team future looks bleak after their Under-20 World Cup performance

We got our asses kicked in the under-20 World Cup. The future's not here. Not here for the men.

There is a distinct difference between being cool and being a badass

Jules is cool... He has bad motherfucker on his wallet, but he's essentially very cool. He's lethal and dangerous as all hell. Kind of like Ordell is a bad motherfucker. He's not cool because he's kind of corny and he dresses kind of wack and his hair ain't all the way there. But he will fuck you up.

Motherfucker is the most versatile word in the English language

My favorite curse word is probably motherfucker, yeah. Because I use it for a lot of different things... You can mother fuck somebody if you're mad. Or you can describe a person as, you know the motherfucker I'm talking about. Or you can say, oh man, that shit's a motherfucker, meaning it's really great shit.

Baseball needs 'old school' guys like Madison Bumgarner to keep the ecosystem balanced

Madison Baumgartner is one of the last guys that we need in this league because he is an anti-bat flipper, anti-pimp your home run. Goose Gossage is actually very important. He's like a beaver for the ecosystem. If you don't have someone yelling about bat flips... then we're all on Twitter being like, bat flips are awesome. Fuck the old guys. It's like, dude, you're talking about no one now.

Dodgeball is a great game and researchers shouldn't overthink its 'oppressive' nature

I kind of disagree with [the research]. I feel like physical education should just be like, play a bunch of shitty games, don't have to be in class for an hour, and don't overthink it. It's just a game that you just fucking pass the time with when you're shitty gym teachers like here just throw balls at each other.

Life skills like gambling and buying weed teach more math than school classes

I've learned 50 times as much math from gambling and smoking weed and buying weed than I ever did in any sort of math class.

The NBA loves late start times because it gives gamblers a larger window to place bets

I think that the NBA actually really enjoys these late start times because it gives [fans] a much larger window with which to lock in their bet. Adam Silver loves... he's a betting man.

The Warriors are totally fine in the NBA Finals even without Kevin Durant

I actually think the Warriors are totally fine. I mean, that's not like a hot take, but Klay's going to be back. I think they – sitting Klay, they were like, look, we're the Warriors. Like, we'll be fine. Let's get him 100% healthy or close to 100%. ... But they know that they can win on the road.

The Jonas Brothers are actually not losers and their documentary is good

My Firefest of the week is that I watched a Jonas Brothers documentary, and I actually really liked them. You go in and you're like, oh, Jonas Brothers, those guys are losers. Only teenage girls like them... Then you watch the documentary. You realize they were grinding for three years.

For the health of the Premier Lacrosse League, Paul Rabil needs to get into a fight in week one

You got to fight like week one to get it out there. Like you know that right? Like for the health of the league, you have to fight.

If a wide receiver catches a touchdown despite a pass interference penalty, the extra point should be worth two points

Mike Greenberg's dumb rule for right now off the top of my head. If a wide receiver catches a touchdown on a pass interference, the extra point should be worth two.

Zdeno Chara is the sports respecter of journalism of the year for writing down answers with a broken jaw

Zdeno Chara has a broken jaw, he can't speak, and he still met with the press and answered questions by writing down his answers. Class act. ... The respecter of journalism of the year. Sports player who respects journalism the most of the year.

I like both the 49ers and the Seahawks, but if I have to pick one, it's the 49ers

Professional football teams would have to be the 49ers... and the Seahawks. [If you have to pick one?] I have to be the 49ers. I love Joe Montana. [College?] Go blue. Michigan.

Kawhi Leonard does not have a personality

Let's figure out the true Kawhi. Let's figure out what Kawhi is all about. Let's figure out if Kawhi has a personality. Turns out he doesn't.

People who chase TV ratings on the internet are the absolute worst

People who chase ratings might be the worst people on the internet... They don't even care about the sport. They just care about the next morning. How many people watch and how can I spin this to fit my exact narrative that I'm trying to throw out?

Humanity is fundamentally 'fucked' and there is no saving us

We are a staunchly we are fucked podcast because we are fucked. We want to fuck humanity. Recycle all of humanity.

Rich people smell better than everyone else

Rich people just smell better. They look better. They smell better. They have everything that's better.

The New York Yankees' no-beard policy is the dumbest rule in all of sports

[The New York Yankees' no-beard policy] is the dumbest rule in all sports. What happens if [Dallas Keuchel] signed? I would love to see Scott Boras right now if he finds out that Keuchel already gave away the beard in the negotiation for free.