Samuel L Jackson, SCF, And The Warriors Are On The Ropes

Sports fans are forbidden from shaving their beards during a deep playoff run

If you're a sports fan and you're a fan of your hockey team and they're in fucking Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Final and you have a beard, you cannot shave it. I don't care if you're superstitious.

Kevin Durant will play in Game 5 of the 2019 NBA Finals

I think [Durant] will play on Monday night. I really do. And it will be chaos. And it's perfect because this is like the Warriors' entire season in a microcosm.

Dynasties end with a whimper, and the Warriors are currently in that stage

Whenever a dynasty ends, you just sit there being like... Oh, they're going to turn it on. It's going to happen. And it just doesn't. History shows that it's probably more likely the Raptors will finish them off on Monday night.

Kevin Durant's 'calf' injury is actually a secret Achilles injury

I'm definitely an Achilles Cav truther now at this point. Because I think that if the injury was as minimal as they made it seem at first, he would have at least tried to play by now.

Joe Flacco is statistically the worst starting quarterback of the last five years

Does John Elway realize that Joe Flacco statistically in the last five years is the worst starting quarterback you could have?

There is a distinct difference between being cool and being a badass

Jules is cool... He has bad motherfucker on his wallet, but he's essentially very cool. He's lethal and dangerous as all hell. Kind of like Ordell is a bad motherfucker. He's not cool because he's kind of corny and he dresses kind of wack and his hair ain't all the way there. But he will fuck you up.

Motherfucker is the most versatile word in the English language

My favorite curse word is probably motherfucker, yeah. Because I use it for a lot of different things... You can mother fuck somebody if you're mad. Or you can describe a person as, you know the motherfucker I'm talking about. Or you can say, oh man, that shit's a motherfucker, meaning it's really great shit.

Baseball needs 'old school' guys like Madison Bumgarner to keep the ecosystem balanced

Madison Baumgartner is one of the last guys that we need in this league because he is an anti-bat flipper, anti-pimp your home run. Goose Gossage is actually very important. He's like a beaver for the ecosystem. If you don't have someone yelling about bat flips... then we're all on Twitter being like, bat flips are awesome. Fuck the old guys. It's like, dude, you're talking about no one now.

Tom Cruise would murder Justin Bieber in a fight

I still think Tom Cruise would kick his ass. Tom Cruise would murder him. Dude, he does all his own stunts. Hanging outside of a helicopter at Mission Impossible. Yes, that's him.

Tom Cruise is washed up and would lose to Justin Bieber

Bebs is a beast. He's in the prime of his career right now. And Tom Cruise is washed up.

Dodgeball is a great game and researchers shouldn't overthink its 'oppressive' nature

I kind of disagree with [the research]. I feel like physical education should just be like, play a bunch of shitty games, don't have to be in class for an hour, and don't overthink it. It's just a game that you just fucking pass the time with when you're shitty gym teachers like here just throw balls at each other.

Life skills like gambling and buying weed teach more math than school classes

I've learned 50 times as much math from gambling and smoking weed and buying weed than I ever did in any sort of math class.