Takes

The sun is a keyboard cowboy and a bitch

So the sun's like basically a little bitch, like a keyboard cowboy. Or the sun is just... We show up to its grill, and we're like, hey, say something to my face. And the sun's like, no, we're good here.

Bill Nye is a fraud who has been catfishing America for 30 years

He's a stand-up comedian that created this character that has no scientific background. Basically, Bill Nye has been catfishing America for the last 30 years. Right. So the fact that he says the sun is hot is further proof that it's cold. I would absolutely conclude that. But he's a proven liar. All he's done his entire adult life is lie to us.

Tom Brady is right that drinking water prevents sunburns because fish never get sunburned

Tom Brady has actually – he's the scientist who has found the nourishing effects of water. Well, I'd like to point out that I've never seen a sunburned fish in my life, and they are just surrounded by water all the time.

Tom Brady never dated Ivanka Trump because her vagina is too acidic for his diet

The female vagina, the pH levels of it, 3.5 to 4.5. It's acidic like a tomato. No chance Tom Brady eats it. Like a glass of orange juice. No chance. Inflammation city if you touch that thing. Ass, I didn't know, so I checked ass. Ass is actually more pH neutral. So he could have eaten her ass.

The Sun is not actually hot because space is cold

There's a big conspiracy theory out there that the sun is not actually hot. ... If the sun is hot, why is space cold? ... The sun is probably the biggest fraud of all time if it's cold. It just knows how to take flattering pictures of itself on Instagram.

Sean McVay should be worried that he will be fired before the Rams' new stadium opens

This is a big misstep by Sean McVay. If I was Sean McVay, I would do everything in my power to get that stadium done by 2019... after three years, going into the fourth, you can be fired after that third year. And then they can say, well, we need a new coach for the new stadium.

The sun is on the Hot Seat because its glare could cause the Bills to lose

Miami Dolphins to beat the Bills this weekend because she [USA Today podcast host's mom] doesn't think that the Bills are going to be able to handle the glare of the Miami sun. It's a fair point. Developing situation. Let's keep an eye on it... The sun is on the hot seat right now, so this could really be it.

Squirrel tail circumference predicts the length of winter

You look at the squirrel's tail, the circumference of a squirrel's tail will tell you how long the winter's going to be... That's a little farmer's almanac trick for you.

The U.S. won the Ryder Cup because they wore hats and visors while the European team didn't.

Could not help but notice that pretty much nobody on the European team wore a hat or a visor. And the entire U.S. team... They were wearing hats, and the U.S. won... It's also probably my favorite part about golf, which is when they take their hats off... and you see the insane forehead tan.

The sun is officially beatable after Ben McAdoo's week one plan

So the Giants are 1-0 against the Sun. And the Cowboys are 0-1 against the Sun. So Sun's taking a lot of L's this year. It sounds like the Sun is very beatable. Between Tebow and McAdoo, it's a down year for the Sun.