PMT DB
PMT DB
College football returned with the subtlety of a folding chair to the face. UMass collected $1.55 million from Rutgers and then used the money to kick Rutgers around, Florida State and SMU played in a stadium with no working clock, and Michigan survived Western Michigan after the Big Ten found a secret second hiding somewhere in the Big House. The sport is back, and apparently so is the concept of television becoming optional.
Michigan Wins, Nobody Feels Good
The Western Michigan ending was the main event. The clock hit zero, Western Michigan celebrated, Michigan looked beaten, and then the officials discovered the secret clock that apparently lives in a witness protection program. Big Cat understood the technical explanation and still thought the whole thing smelled terrible. PFT's position was more direct: if the teams had been reversed, Western Michigan would not have received the same heroic effort to manufacture one final Hail Mary.
The aftermath was somehow even better. Michigan stormed the field as a 27.5-point favorite, Bryce Underwood played like the $10 million quarterback had been replaced by a nervous intern, and Big Cat accused Ohio State of moving senior night to Week 1 because the Buckeyes are scared to do it against Michigan.
Big CatOhio State moved senior night because it is scared of Michigan
If you're saying, 'Hey, we can't do it for the Michigan game because it's something that's just totally different and separate unto itself,' do it the last home game before that, which would be Northwestern. But that senior night though should be—you'd basically just be saying, 'I'm scared of doing it against Michigan.'
That set up the next question: how long can Michigan keep Underwood on the field if he looks like that? Big Cat put a seven-win season alarm next to the playoff hype, while PFT floated Tommy Carr appearing against Oklahoma. Nothing says “welcome to the Big Ten” like being benched after one game and then having to face Brent Venables' defense.
Big CatMichigan is closer to 7-5 than a playoff team
If Bryce Underwood doesn't take a massive step forward, this is closer to a seven-five team than a playoff team.
LSU Is Back, Clemson Is Somewhere Else
Lane Kiffin spent the week trolling the entire sport, walking into LSU's Tiger Walk with Theo Von and Livvy Dunne, tossing a marker off a kid's head, joking about NFL players, and then beating Clemson 51-10. It was the perfect Lane Kiffin performance: chaos as a lifestyle, followed by a completely serious football team.
PFT immediately decided LSU could win the national championship, and Andy Staples went even further by making the Tigers his projected No. 1 playoff seed. Sam Leavitt played like a squirrel with an amphetamine problem, which is apparently exactly what Kiffin needs at quarterback.
Andy StaplesLSU is Andy's projected No. 1 playoff seed
LSU looked like one of the best teams in the country. I'd let that projected playoff again—because I'm taking the preseason stuff out of it—I put them as the one seed. Now are they gonna stay there? Probably not. But why not? Let's ride, let's ride the expectations.
The other side of the game was a full existential crisis for Dabo Swinney. Clemson managed almost nothing offensively, got bullied in the run game, and looked like a program that had wandered into the wrong stadium. Andy's forecast was brutal: six or seven wins, followed by a potentially enormous check and an awkward conversation about whether Dabo still gets to be Dabo.
Andy StaplesClemson could finish 6-6 or 7-5
Clemson is probably more talented than most of the teams left on their schedule. But I don't know if they're gonna be better than seven and five or six and six. If they look like that, if that's what they're gonna roll out there, they're gonna lose more games.
Andy Staples' Week 1 Board
Andy Staples joined from the Florida State press box with the calm of a man watching college football's infrastructure collapse in real time. He was willing to throw out the preseason assumptions immediately, putting Boise State in the playoff picture after the Broncos nearly took down Oregon in Eugene. Andy's logic was simple: if Boise can do that there, it can win the Pac-12.
Andy StaplesBoise State can win the Pac-12 and make the playoff
If Boise State can do that in Eugene, they can probably beat Memphis this week. They can probably beat Western Michigan. They can probably win the Pac-12.
Penn State and Florida got the cleanest new-coach debuts, Miami looked loaded but still has to prove Mario Cristobal can keep the team from randomly getting bored, and USC may have finally discovered the defensive concept known as “stopping the other team.” Andy also tossed C.J. Carr into the Heisman conversation, which means Notre Dame fans now have a new thing to yell about before September is over.
Andy StaplesC.J. Carr could win the Heisman
I think C.J. Carr might have a shot, guys. He's good. I think there's a really good shot because they're gonna be good. He's gonna be better than he was last year and he was really good last year.
Florida State, meanwhile, is not a playoff team in Andy's estimation, but eight or nine wins is on the table. That is a significant upgrade from the Billy Napier era and also a very Andy Staples way to compliment a team while immediately listing every reason it could fall apart.
Who's Back, Who's Drafted By Jerry
Hank's Who's Back pick was Peter Herbstreit, whose return was celebrated with an entire pop-up merchandise shop in Baton Rouge. PFT's pick was the Philadelphia Water Dogs, which means Hank's summer of losing continues even when he is technically a dog guy.
Then came the fantasy football autopsy. Jerry O'Connell drafted the team's roster from a McDonald's with bad Wi-Fi, somehow locked PFT out as co-owner, and built a team with one usable running back and enough wide receivers to open a small receiving corps. Big Cat defended Jerry's roster because there are trades to be made, which is exactly what someone says right before being held hostage by a fantasy commissioner.
Big Cat also completed his 101-burger challenge and felt absolutely nothing. Not pride, not accomplishment, just three weeks of stomach pain and the knowledge that every future heart attack will receive less sympathy. The perfect summer apparently includes about 40 burgers, not 101, and definitely not sacrificing hot dogs, steak, and cheesesteaks to the burger gods.
The League Needs Jameis
Tua Tagovailoa being named Atlanta's starter was treated like a fantasy punishment, while Michael Penix remained “close” in the way a person is close when they are not actually playing. PFT then made the obvious case that Jameis Winston should be the first call for any team losing its starter. The Falcons with Jameis is the sort of idea that would make football worse and the podcast infinitely better.
PFT CommenterJameis Winston should be the first call for a quarterback replacement
Jameis right now should be the first call that anybody makes if they have a starter, a non-Tua starter, that they need. Actually, think about that, Big Cat—Jameis on the Falcons. That would be cool.
The time-zone discussion also reached classic PMT territory, with Kyle Shanahan trying to explain Australia so thoroughly that everyone became less certain what day it was. Raheem Morris lost his 50th birthday crossing the international date line, which is a genuinely tragic way to remain a 49er forever.
Lance Taylor Refuses To Let Michigan Win Twice
Western Michigan coach Lance Taylor was gracious, honest, and still clearly carrying the emotional equivalent of a tire iron. His team celebrated the apparent win, got called back from the field, and then had to process the Big Ten's secret-clock explanation on the bus ride home. Taylor said the explanation was not satisfying, but he also refused to let the ruling erase what Western Michigan proved: the Broncos were more physical than Michigan and belonged in that game.
Western Michigan can still win the MAC and make the committee sweat
Our goals are still on the table. We still play a great G6 opponent in Boise State. We can go still win the MAC. All of our goals are still on the table.
Taylor's message was exactly what you want from a coach in that spot. The heartbreak is real, but the MAC is still there, Boise State is still coming, and the committee can be forced to confront that one loss if Western Michigan runs the table. Grit is not a shirt, according to Taylor. It is how the program lives, which is a much better slogan than anything Michigan put out after storming the field.
Max Brings Back Europe
Max returned from France and Italy with gifts, stories about empty wine tastings, and enough designer-adjacent merchandise to prove that Milan outlet stores are still expensive. Big Cat received pistachio cream, PFT got melon jam, and the office received a rotating collection of bags, bucket hats, olive oil, bobbleheads, and one shirt that made Shane look ready for a strip club.
Max also weighed in on the Jalen Hurts-Trevor Lawrence debate and chose Hurts without hesitation. He did briefly imagine Lawrence with Kellen Moore, but the official ruling remains that Hurts is batting a thousand in Super Bowls and Trevor Lawrence is still waiting for the hypothetical version of that argument to help him.
MaxI would take Jalen Hurts over Trevor Lawrence
I would take Jalen Hurts.
Max was gone for two weeks, but the gifts were good enough to earn his passport back. The only real loser was Big Cat, who spent the entire segment trying to trade away expensive Prada socks he will never wear.
College football is back, the secret clock is undefeated, and Western Michigan is coming for everybody with grit on its helmet and a grievance in its pocket.
