NFL Week 1, Fastest 2 Minutes, The Bears Will Always Lose To The Packers, Max Finally Beats Hank And The Cowboys Rolls

The Commanders' defensive line is right up there with the Jets as the best in the league

The D is legit in DC. So, so legit. It's, we have an awesome defense. I'm not gonna apologize again for beating the Cardinals. Our defensive line is fucking awesome. We're probably amongst the best in the league. I would put us right up there with the New York Jets is having the best defensive line.

The Commanders will win 9 to 11 games if Sam Howell stays average

Sam Howell did enough. Sam Howell, he played just good enough to not lose. And I think if he can be average, if Sam can stay average, we should win like nine, 10, maybe 11 games this year.

The Bengals will still be there at the end of the year despite their slow start

I fully expect the Bengals to be there at the end of the year. It's just ex like, I also expected this to be a slow start for them. And they played about as bad as you can play.

The 49ers have the best roster in professional football

When you watch the 49ers play defense, and when they're humming they are so violent and so fast. Everything like every hole is just, is completely stuffed in a second. They're flying around. It just was a nice reminder like, oh yeah, the 49ers when they have a quarterback who can actually, who has an arm and I'm talking about literally an arm because Brock Purdy didn't have won the NFC championship game. They're the best roster in, in pro football.

Brock Purdy is a good quarterback on any team, not just the 49ers

I I I'm upgrading my Brock Purdy take from not just being good on the 49ers to just being a good quarterback. Yeah. I think he'd be, I think he'd be okay on any team. He wouldn't be as good obviously as he is on the Niners. 'cause he fits that system perfectly and it's a very quarterback friendly system. But I think he's just a good quarterback.

The Steelers will be a nine and eight team because Mike Tomlin finds a way

I still think the Steelers will be a decent team. They just played a really fucking good team. I think they'll be like seven and 10. No, it's Mike Tomlin so they'll be so correct that to nine and eight. 'cause they'll find a way.

I think Trevor Lawrence might be better than Justin Fields

I would like to walk back a take. Permission to walk back a take. I think Trevor Lawrence might be better than Justin Fields. I'd just like to start with, listen, I had a lot of kidney stones for the last couple years and I finally pissed the last one out last night. So, it was probably the Stones talking last year. Now that I'm kidney stone free and I'm thinking clearly, I will now admit, I think, I think Trevor Lawrence is pretty damn good.

The Jaguars might schedule their way to a Super Bowl

And the Jags, Pete Prisco might just be right. They might just schedule their way to a look at the schedule, to the Super Bowl. Look at the schedule. Their, their, their defense is not that good. And they're offensive, but Josh, Josh Allen, I think Josh Allen had three sacks there.

The Dolphins vs. Chargers game was the greatest Week 1 game of all time

This is the greatest week, week game ever. This this was the greatest week one game of all time. By far. Dolphins 36. Chargers 34 Tua. All the Tua haters out there. T Anon expect us 466 yards, three touchdowns.

The single-game passing record will be broken this year

Norm Van Brocklin threw for 554 yards in 1951. That record. What a beast we need. We need to break that record. It's insane that it hasn't been broken yet. I'll throw a Pizza party. Yeah. For whatever quarterback breaks that record this year.

The Bears are going to suck for the rest of my life and the Packers will be good

This is probably the lowest I've felt in a very, very long time. Yeah, that was terrible. Terrible, terrible, terrible. I, it's the same as it ever was. I am, I'm living in the worst version of Groundhogs Day possible. I had all the hope, all the expectations. I knew the defense was gonna suck. So I'm not that surprised that Jordan Love looked good. ... but yeah, that was really, really bad. And everything I was hoping for, I know it's a long season, but it feels like it's, the Bears are just gonna suck for the rest of my life. And the Packers are gonna be good for the rest of my life and there's nothing I can do about it.

Jordan Love is average at best and the Bears are just that bad

I still don't think Jordan Love's that good. I don't, I think the Bears are just that bad. I think Jordan Love's average at best.

The Bears will finish 11 and 5 and beat the Chiefs

I do think the Bears are still gonna be good this year. And Justin Fields, he's, they're gonna open it up. They're gonna beat the Bucs. I'm now, I'm back. They're gonna beat the Bucs. And guess what? They're gonna be beat the Chiefs. They are. Chris Jones won't be playing still. The Bears are gonna be 11 and five this year.

The Patriots are going to win games that people expect them to lose

I'm just saying like, as bad as it was, I still think the, this, this team is gonna, you know, win some games that people expect 'em to lose.

Jerry Jones only made a hologram of himself because he is about to die

I also feel I, you know, I'm not like a huge Jerry Jones fan, but good for him because I think Jerry Jones is about to die. ... In at and t stadium, Jerry Jones unveiled a hologram Jerry Jones that's interactive. ... AI hologram. You don't make that unless you're about to die.

The Jets will beat the Bills on Monday Night Football

Pretty nervous, but I think we're gonna win. ... I'm just going for it.

Novak Djokovic is the GOAT and Federer is a boy toy

The Joker 24 and counting. Joker's the best. He's the goat. I root for winners. I am a winner. I root for winners. Joker the man. Your little fucking boy toy. Roger Federer. Joker's Got you. Bitch.