PMT DB
PMT DB
Week 6 had everything: the Titans finally won a football game, the Browns are somehow in first place, Caleb Williams returned looking like a surgeon, and the Rams may have reached the point where even Sean McVay's coaching tree is filing for emancipation. Fastest Two Minutes set the tone with London football, bad cameras, a Corgi race that looked like a hostage situation, and the annual reminder that the Chargers are not a serious organization.
Texans Are Back-ish
The Texans and Jaguars played a 65-point game in London with zero sacks, which is exactly the kind of surface-based football conspiracy PFT Commenter would like to investigate. CJ Stroud looked like his rookie-year self, Travis Hunter was everywhere, and the AFC South suddenly has a pulse. Houston won the game, but PFT wasn't ready to hand over the division just yet.
PFT CommenterThe Texans Aren't All the Way Back Yet
I still think that there's an issue for the Texans. I don't think they're all the way back yet, because the defense is still—they're giving up 30 points a game a lot.
Big Cat wanted to bet Travis Hunter for the Heisman after Hunter caught a touchdown and then picked off Trevor Lawrence in the other end zone. The conversation somehow drifted into Rumpelstiltskin, Pappy Van Winkle mixed with Pepsi Zero, vinegar floating in whiskey, and the three possible paths for a man in life: bourbon, craft beer, or divorce. A normal football breakdown, basically.
Big CatTravis Hunter Should Win the Heisman
We should probably bet Travis Hunter for Heisman, because he almost flipped this game himself.
Cleveland's Deep-Water Offense
The Browns are 4-2 and sitting atop the AFC North after beating Baltimore, despite making every game look like a regional broadcast from 2007. Big Cat found the formula: Cleveland's defense keeps the game close, then Deshaun Watson spends three quarters getting warmed up before emerging in the fourth quarter to drown everyone.
Big CatThe Browns' Plan Is to Drown You Late
Their game plan is thus: drag you into deep water and then have Deshaun Watson in the fourth quarter drown you. That's what they do.
The Ravens, meanwhile, blew another double-digit lead without Lamar Jackson. Declan Doyle was drawing up plays like he was trying to get hired somewhere else, while Derrick Henry fumbled away another opportunity to win on camera. Cleveland football is ugly, but ugly football counts the same in the standings.
Caleb Returns, Eagles Depart
Caleb Williams came back and completed 24 of 24 passes from a clean pocket as the Bears jumped all over Atlanta. Kyler Gordon turned into a one-man defensive prank, the Falcons forgot to give Bijan Robinson the ball, and Dennis Allen nearly turned a stress-free win into a stress-filled win by pulling starters and inviting Atlanta back into the game.
Philadelphia was a different kind of disaster. Max physically moved away from the Eagles' television because he didn't want to be seen with them. Tanner McKee played behind an injured offensive line, the defense stayed on the field forever, and Max delivered the sort of assessment usually reserved for a team that has just been relegated.
MaxThe Eagles Aren't an NFL Team Right Now
It's not an NFL football team right now. There's just not very many good football players on that football team right now.
Pug, reached from his natural habitat of Sunday night freedom, tried to defend Tanner McKee before admitting that the Eagles probably cannot win the NFC East. That was the most useful scouting report Philadelphia received all day.
The Colts Need a Reset Button
The Titans won their first AFC South game in 12 tries by gaining 180 yards and still scoring 26 points. Tennessee forced fumbles, blocked punts, returned kicks, and generally treated offense as an optional side quest. Jeffery Simmons was a monster, Cam Ward was still not good, and suddenly Titans fans get a victory Monday.
The loss was much worse for Indianapolis. Big Cat argued that the Colts cannot keep blaming the quarterback carousel, Daniel Jones' Achilles, or some other convenient excuse. Chris Ballard has been running the operation for a decade without winning the division, and Big Cat's prescription was not subtle.
Big CatThe Colts Need to Blow Everything Up
If you're a Colts fan, you have to demand for everything to change. You can't be like, it's because of Daniel Jones' Achilles. You've gotta just blow the whole thing up. It's like none of it works.
The Rams Hit Rock Bottom
The Cardinals beat the Rams 18-16 in Los Angeles, giving Arizona two wins at SoFi while the Rams and Chargers have combined for fewer. Matthew Stafford looked uncomfortable, the Rams' kicker got hurt, Kyren Williams sounded unhappy with his usage, and Sean McVay spent the afternoon looking like a man who has seen too many bad plays in his photographic memory.
PFT thinks the Rams might simply be bad, which is a brutal place to arrive after spending months projecting them as a dream team. Then he immediately refused to abandon his playoff prediction.
PFT CommenterThe Rams Might Just Be Bad
It feels like there's some bad vibes going on with the Rams. They could just be McVay. Seems like he's not having a good time at all. They might just be bad.
PFT CommenterThe Rams Will Still Make the Playoffs
I think they'll make the playoffs. I don't want to take that back. I don't think they'll be fine. I think they'll make the playoffs, and this might be the end of the line for Stafford.
The best theory came from a Rams fan account: McVay's coaching tree has become so large that all of his former assistants now know every play before he calls it. His branches have developed sentient thought and are fighting back. This is either the Rams' problem or the plot of a very specific football horror movie.
Chargers Are Banned From Parlays
Kansas City beat Los Angeles 22-6 in a game that ended the moment Kenneth Walker scored the Chiefs' first touchdown. The Chargers couldn't score from the one-yard line, Justin Herbert took another series of horrifying hits, and Hank admitted he was mentally done with the team while also remaining loyal enough to bet them again.
Hank also said Mike McDaniel should already be fired, a take delivered with the confidence of someone who has been personally victimized by every Chargers fourth quarter this season.
HankMike McDaniel Should Already Be Fired
Their offense is horrible. Mike McDaniel should have already been fired.
Big Cat, meanwhile, saw enough of Kansas City to make the annual Chiefs-to-the-Super-Bowl declaration. This time it came with a mental image of a freezing AFC Championship Game, Patrick Mahomes bundled up, and Mumford & Sons playing beneath the narration. The dynasty is apparently back because the weather is cold and the music is earnest.
Big CatThe Chiefs Are Going to the Super Bowl
The Chiefs are going the Super Bowl. It just feels that—it feels like, do you guys ever hear the, listen to Mumford and Sons at all? Especially in the fall?
The NFC East Is Bad, But Fun
The Packers beat Dallas 23-13, Jordan Love looked locked in, and the Cowboys' supposedly explosive offense spent another night running the same play where Dak Prescott loads up for a deep shot and throws four yards to Jake Ferguson or Javonte Williams. Big Cat is no longer sure the Dallas offense deserves its reputation.
Big CatThe Cowboys' Offense Isn't as Explosive as Advertised
Are we sure that the Cowboys' offense is as electric as everyone's making it out to be? We've watched them for eight quarters now. The last two games they've not looked good.
The Eagles-Cowboys game next week somehow opened with Dallas favored by four and a half in Philadelphia, which prompted Max to insist that the Eagles still have a chance while also requesting Bazooka Joe only after all hope is gone. PFT then previewed Washington's Monday night game as a possible Dan Quinn referendum. Win, and the season changes. Get blown out, and Declan Doyle may be waiting by the phone.
Who's Back: NBA, Rays, and a Mars Car
Hank declared the NBA back, including a Celtics opener at an extremely strange Tuesday afternoon tip. He expects the Sixers to implode quickly before figuring everything out by playoff time, which is a prediction that manages to be both optimistic and deeply insulting to everyone involved.
Big Cat's real Who's Back pick was the Rays, who took control of the ALCS behind another dominant Drew Rasmussen outing. He also launched a full moral campaign on behalf of Brewers fans holding timeless tickets that promise entry to any future Milwaukee home game, including a World Series. You cannot sell a golden ticket and then say, sorry, standing room only. Baseball karma is real.
Zac brought Tesla and SpaceX's wall-climbing, thruster-powered Hot Wheels nightmare to the table. It can reportedly go from zero to 60 in under a second, which sounds less like transportation and more like something a five-year-old designed after getting stuck in traffic.
The show closed with numbers, forgotten birthdays, and a final reminder that the PMT production process has at least three phases of procrastination before anyone presses record. Somewhere, a Corgi in England is still refusing to run. Whatever the sport, America remains undefeated in halftime entertainment.
