PMT DB
PMT DB
Wild Card Weekend Recap, Kyle Long Retirement, and Hank’s Soggy Sorrows
The first weekend of the 2020s gave us exactly what the NFL needed: pure, unadulterated chaos. Between overtime thrillers, the potential end of the greatest dynasty in sports history, and Josh Allen playing football like he was hallucinating, Big Cat and PFT have a lot to sort through. Big Cat wasn't ready to crown it the greatest weekend ever, but the intensity was undeniable.
Big CatThe 2020 Wild Card weekend was the most thrilling in NFL history
That was an insane, insane Wild Card weekend. Probably, I wouldn't say the best Wild Card weekend because I honestly just can't remember all the Wild Card weekends off the top of my head. But it was probably the most thrilling.
The Josh Allen Experience and H-Town Heroics
Bills-Texans started the weekend in the most ESPN Saturday game way possible, which is to say it was a fever dream. Josh Allen came out looking like a superstar before pivoting to a style of play that can only be described as "Sugar High." Big Cat perfectly captured the essence of the Bills' young signal-caller.
Big CatJosh Allen is like Brett Favre with ADD
He was playing like a little kid just hopped up on sugar, just running around, making plays. He was like Brett Favre if Brett Favre had ADD.
Deshaun Watson eventually took over, surviving a sack sequence that defied physics. While the Bills turtled up and handed the ball to Frank Gore for reasons nobody can explain, Watson proved why he's the guy you want with the ball when the season is on the line.
Big CatDeshaun Watson is the Michael Jordan of the NFL
When Dabo Swinney says [Deshaun Watson] is Michael Jordan, that's what he's talking about. The fact that he has that poise and that one play where he got sacked twice, spun around and made a play.
Is the Dynasty Dead or Just Finished?
Then came the big one. The Titans went into Foxboro and out-Patriot-ed the Patriots. Mike Vrabel used Bill Belichick’s own clock-draining loopholes against him, and Derrick Henry treated the New England defense like a light morning jog. While the world celebrated the downfall of the evil empire, Hank remained delusional in the face of Tom Brady’s first free agency.
HankThe Patriots dynasty is not over despite losing to the Titans
The season is finished. The dynasty is not done. ... I don't see Brady going anywhere else. I understand that it's the first time in his career he can do whatever he wants, but realistically, it's one of those things where you can do whatever you want, but you don't want to leave your job.
Big Cat pointed out that Belichick’s ruthless efficiency is usually what keeps the machine running, even if it means moving on from icons.
Big CatBill Belichick is the reason for the Patriots' sustained success because he knows exactly when to cut players
The reason why you guys have had such sustained, insane success that probably we'll never see again in the NFL is because [Belichick] always knows when a guy needs to go. ... Bill Belichick essentially is like those hackers that the FBI hires to, like, hack into their own mainframe to find all the loopholes.
Despite the home loss and a pick-six to end the season, Hank is already looking at the history books to find a way to make this loss a win. He’s convinced this isn't an ending, but a transition into a new era of dominance.
HankThe Patriots are on the verge of starting a third dynasty
They've had two dynasties. People aren't really giving it like, the dynasty's over. The second dynasty's over. Double dynasty. Started the third act for the Patriots. ... I think if they win next year, it would be part of the second dynasty. But then if they win the year after that, then it's like... a third dynasty.
In one of the more shocking pivots of the episode, Hank admitted he’d rather see the team pay a 26-year-old Jameis Winston than bring back the GOAT, citing Jameis’s status as a "future Hall of Famer."
HankJameis Winston is worth more money than Tom Brady right now
Who's worth more money, Jameis Winston or Tom Brady? Jameis. ... He's just got more years. Yeah, he's 26. And he's a future Hall of Famer.
Chaos in the Bayou and the Philly Assault
Kirk Cousins finally got his signature win, but let’s be honest, it was the Taysom Hill show for a significant portion of that game. Big Cat argued that Sean Payton’s loyalty to Drew Brees might have actually cost them the game considering how Hill was moving the rock.
Big CatThe Saints would have won if they kept Taysom Hill on the field
But if Taysom Hill stays out there, they win that game. ... Taysom Hill was electric. He was the best player on the field.
Even with the win, PFT isn't buying any Kirk Cousins stock as the Vikings head to San Francisco.
PFT CommenterKirk Cousins will fail against the 49ers in the divisional round
Kirk Cousins wasn't incredible in this game. Oh, he's going to shit down his leg in San Francisco in a week.
Finally, the Seahawks outlasted a decimated Eagles team. The big story was Jadeveon Clowney’s hit on Carson Wentz, which Big Cat did not mince words about.
Big CatJadeveon Clowney's hit on Carson Wentz was assault
Jadeveon Clowney with the cheapest hit on Carson Wentz concusses him. ... Anyone who's calling Carson Wentz injury prone off of that is fucking bullshit because Jadeveon Clowney assaulted him.
Kyle Long and Soggy Sorrows
Friend of the program Kyle Long called in just hours after announcing his retirement. He compared playing in the NFL to getting kicked in the nuts for a million dollars, admitting that at some point, you just have enough millions. He’s already down to 281 pounds and looking for a "fit-inspo" career in retirement.
To wrap things up, the guys headed to the bathroom. Hank was forced into a fully clothed shower for Soggy Sorrows to mourn the Patriots' season. Between the cold water and the looming threat of Tom Brady in a Chargers jersey, it was the most pathetic Hank has looked since he forgot how to spell his own name.
Just remember, according to Hank, the dynasty is actually doing great.
