Quitting your job before March Madness is the best feeling in the world

It is the best two days of the year to call in sick for work, bar none. I had some friends, and back like six or seven years ago, we would all quit our jobs in anticipation of March Madness so that we just wouldn't have to worry about going into work... it feels like you're on heroin because it's such a reckless thing to do for like this little bit of endorphin payout.

There is no better high in the world than getting to cancel plans

The canceled plans, when I get to cancel a plan, there is no better high in the entire world. Actually, no. I should take that back. When someone else cancels plans on me because I never want to do anything anymore. So when they cancel plans on me, then I'm not the shithead who canceled the plans. That's the best feeling in the world.

We need a 'relegation league' Monday night football game to help people transition off the March Madness high

This is how you wean people off March Madness is if we just had like a Monday night football game on Monday night, like if it was just Titans Jaguars on Monday night, the relegation league... You need sports that your body is craving it. Boom. Football's back.

LeBron James will finish his career by returning to the Cleveland Cavaliers

LeBron's decision is looming. I think it's going to be Cleveland. Do you guys agree? I mean I think he's gotta go to Cleveland. I think that makes the most sense.

I was wrong — Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are actually dating

I'm going to say I was wrong. I do think they actually are dating now. Don't need the P and V, they got married so I'm going to count it. I'm going to put it on the board.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are going to be married forever.

I think they're gonna make it. I think they're gonna be married for a very long time. I think they're married forever. They're gonna be married forever.