Takes

Danny Woodhead Would Play The Game For Free

He's Woodhead, say his name with me. He's Woodhead, he'd play the game for free.

Danny Woodhead Never Gets Hurt And Never Fumbles

Not afraid of dirt, and always keeps it humble. Never gets hurt, and never even fumbles.

The Only Flag Woodhead Has Ever Drawn Is Of The U.S.A.

Only flag he ever draws is of the U.S.A. If you a mouthy linebacker, then you must pay.

Danny Woodhead Watches Film All Day And Sleeps In His Car

Never goes home 'cause he always goes hard. Watches film all day, and he sleeps in his car.

Water makes you weak — real football players do swish and spit

When I was a high school football player, I used to always tell the underclassmen that water makes you weak. So we do like swish and spit.

Defensive ends should jimmy tap quarterbacks to get sacks

If you're coming off the edge, a lot of times you take an angle directly at the quarterback, and that's exactly what the offensive tackle is expecting you to do. So what you could do maybe instead is take an angle just a little bit inside of the quarterback, and while you're running past him, just hit him real quick with a jimmy tap right between the legs. Right in the dick. I don't feel like that technique is emphasized enough in today's coaching environment. It's almost a technique that you have to imagine Belichick is emphasizing right now before they change the rules, before it gets exploited.

The Jeff Fisher 'bend but don't break' defense actually refers to players hyperextending their knees

And you worked so hard that you hyperextended your knee, right? See, that's the Jeff Fisher defense. It's bend but don't break.

Flacco disappeared for 15 minutes during the Super Bowl blackout and no one can account for his whereabouts

When asked what he was doing during the half-hour break, Flacco says he doesn't recall, and that he was probably just hanging out with friends and stuff. But that doesn't really check out when you dig into it, especially when you consider that there was about 15 minutes of game time where Flacco disappeared, no stats at all, and no one can account for his whereabouts.

Cam Newton hasn't earned the right to get calls from refs

Last weekend he was complaining to the ref, he was whining about beating the New Orleans Saints because Ed Hochuli didn't give him a call. And Ed Hochuli told them, you haven't earned the right to get that call yet. You haven't been in the league long enough to get that call. It's more entitlement.

Two sprained ankles is better than one because at least you're symmetrical

We got Jason Witten. Two sprained ankles. You know the old saying in the NFL, if you've got two sprained ankles, you don't have one. And I'd rather have both my feet hurt than just one because now at least you're symmetrical. Jason Witten, he's hurt, not injured.

Aaron Rodgers has about 40 wins left in his body before he starts to suck

Quarterback wins are kind of like a woman's eggs. Because most people don't realize it but a woman, she's only born with a finite number of eggs. So with quarterbacks, it's the exact same thing because they've only got a certain amount of wins that are in their system. If they don't space them out, then they start to regress early. I think he's got about 40 wins left in his body before he starts to suck.

Playing on more dangerous surfaces makes football safer

We're making the game less safe by no longer playing it on concrete. And now we're adding like a new bar to the face mask every week. And it's counterintuitive, but if you look at it from a macro point of view, which I am, if you want players to care about their safety a little bit more, then you need to force them to play on more dangerous surfaces.

Joe Flacco is so elite that his lightning-fast offense literally blew out the Superdome scoreboard in Super Bowl XLVII

My subsequent investigation determined that the 21-point first-half beatdown that Baltimore hung all over the 49ers was the highest first-half point total in the Dome that year... The scoreboard simply couldn't handle all the electricity needed to keep up with Flacco's lightning, quick-release and high-voltage offense. Quite simply, he blew the scoreboard out. That sounds pretty damn elite to me.

Nick Saban was right to pass on Drew Brees so the Dolphins could afford 'impact players' like Mike Wallace and Ndamukong Suh

Nick Saban gets a bum rap for bailing out on the Dolphins... but in reality, Drew Brees' shoulder... it was the sword of Damocles, and it was hanging by a labrum. And now, oh, now he's looking like a big hero because he didn't sign him... if Saban had brought Brees to Miami, then the entire franchise would be hamstrung by that big contract, and they wouldn't be able to go out and afford impact players like you've got your Mike Wallaces and you've got your Ndamukong Suhs that they're bringing to town.

Hitler canceling football seasons is an underrated bad thing he did

If you really like football, he probably wouldn't have started World War II, which de facto canceled the 1942 through 1944 NFL seasons. It wasn't called the NFL, but he canceled football. So in the first place, that's kind of fucked up. And nobody really talks about that when they're talking about all the bad stuff Hitler did. So I'd like to kind of raise a little bit of awareness there.

Concussions aren't real

Concussions aren't real. Well, I probably had my brain nicked up a couple times, but if you can pee straighter than you can see after having sex, then that just means you're doing it wrong.

Terry Bradshaw was the first NFL player to thank God, making all pre-1972 players blasphemers

My understanding is that the honor belongs to Terry Bradshaw. It was after the Immaculate Reception. And if you look at it from the other way, you can honestly say that every player that played in the NFL before 1972 is probably burning in hell for blasphemy.