Takes

Nathan Peterman will beat the Chicago Bears

Big Cat is on the hot seat... because your Chicago Bears have to play against Nathan Peterman on Sunday. Peterman's back... Nathan Peterman hasn't played his best game yet. And I know that because he wouldn't still be on the roster if he was that bad.

Bill Belichick is hilarious in real life

I've spent some quality time with Bill... Is he funny in real life? Oh, he's hilarious... I know [him] off the field... he's the best of the best.

Kirk Cousins will not win big games for the Vikings

But that's one of those games that if you're a Vikings fan, you have to ask yourself, we paid Kirk Cousins to win those type of games, and Kirk Cousins isn't going to win those type of games. He's not going to win those type of games... Kirk Cousins will not win big games, but he can win enough games to get you in the playoffs.

Hugh Jackson is statistically the worst coach in NFL history

Out of 219 coaches with a minimum of 40 games coached, Hugh Jackson ranks 218th all-time in winning percentage. The only one who is worse, former Eagles head coach Burt Bell. He's last, but he couldn't be fired because he was also the owner. That's how bad Hugh Jackson is as a coach.

The Bears will be in first place in the NFC North (for now)

The Bears are back. They're number one. NFC North. Just saying. I don't know if we'll hold on to it for very long, but you have to enjoy the small steps, okay?

I'm withholding all judgment on Josh Rosen for his rookie year

I'm officially saying this whole year, too early to judge. I learned my lesson from Jared Goff. I like that. What about Sam Darnold? Too early to judge.

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Texans win the Super Bowl

No, they're not going to win the Super Bowl. Guaranteed. I'll cut off a pinky... I'll cut off half a pinky. Nope. I'm going to cut off the top of my nub... I'm going to cut off the nail up if the Texans win.

The Redskins will finish the season with at least 10 wins

The bottom line is the R-words [Redskins] are going to go 10-6 minimum. Maybe 11-5.

The Lions are not sure they're bad and could win their division

I actually think the Lions could be okay. They could win that division, you think? Are we sure they're good? We're not sure they're bad.

Eli Manning is no longer a good quarterback

Eli Manning is not a good quarterback anymore... That means he was a good quarterback, two Super Bowl rings, Hall of Famer, all that stuff. He's not a good quarterback anymore, and I can't stand the offensive line talk because, yes, the offensive line is bad, but Eli Manning is the king of pressures coming, just turtle, and not look downfield.

Archie Manning is the Kris Jenner of football

I think Archie Manning is the Kris Jenner of football... He really is. I agree with that. He has made it so that Peyton Manning... when he put his balls on someone's face? That one got erased. The Eli Manning fraud... when he was selling fake jewelry, that one got erased... Archie Manning, he is basically controlling the narrative of the Manning family and getting it to a point where I actually think the Giants ownership is afraid to bench Eli.

Jerry Jones traded for Amari Cooper because he was drinking Johnny Walker Blue

I do not understand how the Dallas Cowboys gave up a first-round pick for Amari Cooper... Jerry Jones... the reason is Johnny Walker Blue.

Marshawn Lynch is faking his injury because he doesn't want to play for Jon Gruden

Marshawn Lynch is out... He's out with an injured groin is the explanation they gave. I don't think that Marshawn Lynch is capable of having his groin injured... I think he doesn't like Jon Gruden. He doesn't want to play for Jon Gruden to do a car.

Mitchell Trubisky is the best running quarterback in the league

In the windy city we go, where the NFL's best running quarterback, Mitchell Michael Trubisky, had Bears fans hammering the dog at plus two... Mitch is the best running quarterback in the league.

Cody Kessler is a terrible quarterback

Cody Kessler that guy stinks throwing the ball over the place fumbling he recovered his fumble but still interceptions I get it you gotta maybe sit down the boat [Bortles] for a minute it was uh the engine needs a little tune up but good news the next game for the Jaguars is in London and Blake Bortles owns London.

Patrick Mahomes throwing left-footed is better than Cody Kessler

Pat Mahomes throwing with his left foot is better than Cody Kessler.

Hue Jackson is objectively a very bad football coach

From where I'm sitting, [Hue Jackson] is objectively a very bad football coach. Okay? And on top of that... He just blames everyone else when shit goes wrong.

Bob Wiley should be the Browns head coach because you can trust his gut

There is a dark horse candidate that I think America can all get behind, and that is Bob Wiley. If there's ever a coach that can go with his gut, that you should trust his gut, it's Bob Wiley.

The Patriots are very beatable without Rob Gronkowski

I thought that I think [the Patriots] are very beatable, though, without Gronk.

The Eagles are suffering a quintessential Super Bowl hangover

No, they are a quintessential Super Bowl hangover. Because every game, they're up 17-0. They're like, oh, we got this... but it's these games that they think they've won and they just lose them.

Todd Gurley is outscoring the entire Buffalo Bills team

Todd Gurley has seven more points than the entire Buffalo Bills team.

Justin Tucker is worth a second-round pick

Justin Tucker is the one kicker that I think would actually probably be worth a first-round pick... I'll give you a second.

Taysom Hill is better at everything Tim Tebow does

[Sean Payton] puts Taysom Hill out there, and Taysom Hill is like Tim Tebow – except he's better at everything Tim Tebow does. He's a better pump protector. He's a better passer. He's a better runner.

The Saints are the second best team in the NFC

[The Saints] are just five and one now and look like the second best team in the NFC behind the Rams.

The Packers will be the second best team in the NFC by the end of the season

I'll say it's going to be the Packers by the time it turns out [the second best team in the NFC].

The Detroit Lions are a sleeper team for a Wild Card spot

The sleeper team that I was talking about, pointing to for everybody in August, that nobody still is talking about, the Detroit Lions... I wouldn't be surprised if they wind up with a wild card.

Adam Thielen is the best wide receiver in the NFL right now

Thielen, here's a take. I think Thielen's the best wide receiver in the NFL right now. Boom. I said it.

Kirk Cousins is too big of a nerd to ever win a Super Bowl

I also think that Kirk Cousins is too big of a nerd to ever win a Super Bowl... I don't trust a guy like that... He basically thinks he's living inside of a ted talk right now and his job he like reads too many motivational quotes.

The Super Bowl will be the Rams vs. the Chargers

I think, by the way, that that's going to end up being your Super Bowl is the Rams and the Chargers.

Philip Rivers is the most underrated quarterback of our time

Phil Rivers is probably the most underrated quarterback of our time. He's for sure a Hall of Famer.

The Bengals/Chiefs over not hitting is a national tragedy

What just happened in that NFL game, not hitting the over, is a national tragedy. It needs to be investigated... It's fucking ridiculous that the Bengals only scored 10 points against the Chiefs defense.

You can only play with a back fracture in hockey and football

The only sports that you can play with a small back fracture are hockey and football... Injured is when you have to have surgery that holds you out. You have to play injured [in the NFL]. And more importantly, you have to play well injured.

Larry Fitzgerald is holding the Cardinals back and should retire

I think Larry Fitzgerald is holding the Cardinals back by not retiring. He's the captain, and he's taking shine away from his rookie QB... He's doing the saddest retirement tour.

Steve Wilks will be the first NFL coach fired in 2018

I think it is now official that Steve Wilks might be the first coach to be fired... Just fire him and then pretend it never happened. You could easily do it right now. We'll all forget.

The Bears are officially good if they can beat the Patriots

If the Bears can beat the Patriots, then they're officially good. It's going to be a big test.

The Jets did themselves a favor by missing out on Kirk Cousins

If you know anything about Kirk Cousins, you actually did yourself a favor by not getting him because you'd rather suck out loud than be kind of around average for four years.

The Chiefs will have a come-down-to-earth game against the Bengals

I think this is going to be the week where everything comes back down to earth. It's a little bit sloppy. They might lose, but they're probably going to be within the record.

Only 12 NFL owners actually care about winning championships

I think there are legitimately 12 teams in the National Football League that are legitimately concerned about winning a Super Bowl... I think there are certain owners that are just in there to build equity... and every now and then catch the lightning.

Aaron Rodgers acts like Compound W by covering up the Packers' warts

When you've got a quarterback like that—I always just say this about Peyton Manning... he's like Compound W, just spreading himself all over warts. The issue you get into is that I think you get this self-confidence that we're pretty good... they think they're a lot better than they really are.

The NFL is tailoring the game to fantasy football fans by creating 'Points-a-Palooza'

We've created a generation of people who have watched football based on fantasy football... and the NFL is actually going, okay, you love fantasy football? Here it is. Here's fantasy football for you. People are digging it.

Case Keenum is missing wide-open targets because of bad footwork

He [Case Keenum] just hasn't been very good. He's missed a bunch of wide-open targets... part of it is your offensive line stinks, and so you speed up your footwork... and the ball just gets out of your hands. The timing of your footwork and the routes don't line up.

America is sick of Aaron Rodgers winning games in predictable, dramatic fashion

He will win a game late, and he will do it in dramatic fashion, and he will drop dimes and all that. I'm sick of it. I think America is sick of it, to be honest, if I'm just going to speak for America here.

Josh Allen's ligaments were too weak to support his rocket arm

His arm was too strong that his ligaments couldn't support all the muscle... the good news is he doesn't need Tommy John surgery.

The NFL is effectively becoming seven-on-seven flag football

Tom Brady threw for over 500 yards and lost the Super Bowl... I loved the doomsday defense, the steel curtain... Those guys, they just shut you the fuck down... and it's just all gone. I mean, the fucking guy, Tyreek Hill... runs across the middle of the field... nobody's going to hit him.

The Bears are destined to sign Brock Osweiler

The Bears are destined to sign Brock Osweiler... because he is the perfect... he's more Mike Glennon than Mike Glennon is. And the fact that he's impressed you guys so many times by beating you in your face.

Nathan Peterman is the Matt Schaub of our generation

Yeah, he's the Matt Schaub of our generation. It's great. I mean, every game is just so much more exciting when Nathan Peterman gets involved because you know what's going to happen. It's just a matter of time.

The Jets might actually be good

The Jets might be good. 3-3. Todd Bowles, turn that squad around. Turn it around. Top 10. That's what he does. He's getting up there.

Rob Gronkowski is the greatest tight end in the history of the game

Did you guys realize that Rob Gronkowski is actually the greatest tight end in the history of the game? Like, he actually is. It's kind of not even a debate.

The Raiders could move on from Derek Carr next year

I think the real question is, what do they do with Derek Carr next year? Because even though he's got that big contract, they can unload him at a manageable cap hit if they decide that John Gruden needs a different quarterback... In fact, it's easier than you'd think to get out from under Carr's contract.

The Raiders will get rid of Derek Carr and replace him with old veterans

He strikes me as a guy that would absolutely get rid of this high-paid quarterback and bring in like six veterans who are all over the age of like 33.