Takes

Cam Newton stinks again

Cam Newton stinks again. Well, that's not entirely true. Okay. He kind of stinks. He likes to go up and down. I feel like when Cam, when everyone's like, ooh, Cam's putting it all together. He's like, hey, guys, watch this. Hey, hold my avocado. Watch this. Because he's a millennial. He's going to fucking just throw three interceptions and look like trash.

Mitchell Trubisky and the Bears will cover +6.5 against the Ravens

Taking our boy, Mitchell. Mitchell Trubisky. Plus six and a half... The Bears, are we sure they're bad with Mitchell Trubisky? This is a breakout game. They've covered the spread.

Mark Brunell is dead to Jaguars fans because he cried on TV

This is actually a fun fact for most Jaguars fans out there. Mark Brunell's dead to us. Yeah, because he cried... about football... you can't cry about that.

Eli Manning might get traded to the Jaguars to reunite with Tom Coughlin

Do you hear this one about Eli Manning maybe getting traded to the Jaguars? Because Tom Coughlin. Think about it.

Mark Ingram has officially won the lead role in the Saints backfield over Adrian Peterson

Mark Ingram... he won the battle of who's going to be the bigger head on the two-headed running back committee in New Orleans... Adrian Peterson is out in Arizona.

Alex Smith is playing at an MVP level this season

Alex Smith is playing MVP-type football right now. ... you go down the line and they have stars everywhere.

There has never been a quarterback better at playing the position than Peyton Manning

When it comes to quarterback, being a quarterback and quarterbacking in the National Football League, there hasn't been a quarterback better than Peyton Manning. ... coming up to the line, being a quarterback, there's not a greater quarterback than Peyton Manning.

If I played offense I would be a tight end because I know how to beat defensive coverages

I'd probably be a tight end. That's a position that I know. I guard tight ends every single day. ... I understand what works, what doesn't work, how to beat the guys on defense because that's where my foundation is.

Mark Sanchez running into someone's butt is the only thing that can heal the world right now

We need Mark Sanchez to run into someone's butt. That's the only thing that can bring this world back together. ... run the butt fumble play every single down until it happens.

Sam Bradford is officially 'injured' because wear and tear on a knee is a significant injury

I'm going to say this is actually injured. Like, wear and tear is, that's significant. That's a full injury.

The Chargers won the Eli Manning-Philip Rivers trade once and for all

Odell Beckham, more like 0-5, Odell Beckham. The Giants remain winless, and the Chargers win the Eli Manning-Philip Rivers trade once and for all.

The Eagles have no possible way to screw up this winning season

Philadelphia's got their blue-collar quarterback and a winning team. There is no possible way they can screw this one up, folks.

The Jaguars are actually a good football team

By the way, the Jaguars are actually good, which is the most bizarre sentence to say, but they are very, very close. We need actually a meter.

The Chiefs might be the best team in football

Chiefs might actually be the best team in football. They're fun to watch. I like Andy Reid's offense and how they have Alex Smith is actually throwing touchdown passes.

JJ Watt might legitimately be forced into retirement by this injury

It's a tibial plateau fracture and as somebody with Google I can now report with confidence that he's fucked... This might be like legit retirement for J.J. Watt. Not Players' Tribune fakery.

Andrew Luck is not a Super Bowl winning quarterback because he orders chicken at steakhouses

I asked what Andrew Luck's order was [at St. Elmo's], and they said he usually gets chicken. So that's been my big red flag. My one red flag is he orders chicken at a steakhouse. That's not a Super Bowl-winning quarterback.

I will never come out of retirement, no matter the offer

No amount of money will make me move from retirement... Physically nothing is wrong with me. I've been playing football for 20 years. I think it was time for me to give it a break and give it a rest.

The early 2000s Miami Hurricanes defense could have beaten NFL teams

I agree. I mean, it was some, we could have beat some NFL teams, absolutely. [Could you have taken the Browns?] Absolutely.

I am still faster than Tom Brady in a foot race

[You once said that you were faster than Tom Brady. Is that still true?] Oh, yeah, of course. [Foot race, no question?] Yes, no question. [Is he that slow, or are you that fast?] No, I'm that fast.

Ben McAdoo taking away practice music is a sign he's about to be fired

That is the last thing you do before you get fired. Take away the team's music. No more fun on this team. The ping-pong table, they take that out of the player's room, and they're like, it's over.

The 0-5 Giants could still end up going 11-5

All their games have been one-score games, so they could be 5-0. They could very well be 5-0... Could they end up going 11-5?

Dirk Koetter is a trash head coach

I think I officially am saying Dirk Koetter's trash. And I'm basing this off one game that I watched. It was a primetime game... Dirk Koetter, you are in the trash pile.

There are only two tiers of NFL quarterbacks: those who suck and those who can win a Super Bowl

NFL quarterback situation, there's no tiers. There's no elite and non-elite. It's just either you suck or you can win a Super Bowl. And Jameis Winston will, in my estimation, will ever be a really good sucky quarterback.

I love the Packers moneyline and spread against the Cowboys

Love, love, love the Packers. Plus two. I love Moneyline. I love them straight up... Love the spread, love the money line.

The Cleveland Browns will win at least two games this season

Could the Browns go two and 14? The Browns could... they could win two games... I'm going to cross my mind on the Will They Win 4 games, but two games? Still could do it.

Kareem Hunt is a fantasy football sleeper

He's a rookie, but I'm finally going to pick him up on my waiver wire. I'm talking about Kareem Hunt. He's my sleeper of the week.

Cam Newton only alienates male teammates, therefore he cannot be sexist

All Cam Newton really had to do, if we're being honest, is just be like, hey, if I'm so sexist, how come I only alienate my male teammates? How come I refuse to dive on balls when men are there? I cross to the other side of the street when I see men on a loose ball.

Andy Reid is the second-best coach in the NFL right now

Andy Reid is the second best coach in the NFL right now. Agreed. Agreed. It is crazy. We did this. We actually talked about this off air... Andy Reid behind Bill Belichick is the second best coach.

The Titans signing Brandon Weeden creates a quarterback controversy in Tennessee

I have Marcus Mariota. So speaking of letting a bull into a China shop, the Titans signed Brandon Weeden. So that is a QB controversy in the waiting. I love it.

The NFC North is currently the 'Division of Quarterbacks' in the NFL

My other cool throne is names. Speaking of quarterbacks, cool throne... NFC North quarterbacks because that is officially the division of quarterbacks. Mitch Trubisky is going to start for the Bears... Matthew Stafford, Dark Horse MVP, Aaron Rodgers, Super Bowl winner, and Sam Bradford.

Bill Belichick is tanking the Patriots' defense to prevent Matt Patricia from being hired as a head coach elsewhere

Is this Bill Belichick being the master puppeteer and making Matt Patricia undesirable for other teams to hire away this offseason? Because guess what? No one's going to want to interview him after this shit. He'll be there another year.

Jared Goff is a league MVP candidate

Jared Goff, league MVP candidate. Jared Goff, actually good. I love seeing this because everyone who jumped off the Jared Goff bandwagon, you go fuck yourself.

Sean McVay is winning with Jeff Fisher's players and Jeff Fisher didn't get enough credit for developing them

McVay is winning with Jeff Fisher's players. That's the thing. It's a bad situation because obviously Jeff didn't get enough chances to develop his guys. And so somebody else comes in and they take advantage of it.

The Bears would have won the Super Bowl if Jay Cutler hadn't been injured in the 2010 NFC Championship

I wish when we were there, when we went to NFC Championship and we lost... Would have won a Super Bowl if Jay [Cutler] didn't hurt his knee. Fact.

Odell Beckham Jr. is the new J.J. Watt of milking injuries for attention

Odell might be the new J.J. Watt in terms of always being injured and showing how he's in. He has the injuries that he then plays through those injuries. Kind of a Tiger Woods thing... oh, my finger. Wow, let's do a million sideline reports on my finger while I keep playing.

John Fox needs to be fired and Mitch Trubisky needs to start

John Fox needs to be fired. Mitch Trubisky needs to start. Danny Trevathan should probably do a lot of thinking about himself. Mike Glennon, just go away, and John Fox get fired again.

Lock of the Week: Ravens +3 at home against the Steelers

I'm going to go with the Baltimore Ravens. Home dogs. Plus three. ... If I know Joe Flacco, and I know him pretty well, this is one of the weeks that he comes out and he has like three touchdowns and 320 yards.

Lock of the Week: Rams +6 and outright win vs. Cowboys

I like the Los Angeles Rams, plus six. I think they're going to win that game outright. [They are playing] the Cowboys.

Lock of the Week: Jaguars -3 vs. Jets

I'm going to go with the Jaguars. Minus three. In New York. ... I think Blake Bortles, there's no way he can regress. I think he finally took the step forward and he'll never take a step back again.

Kirk Cousins respects the media biz to get them on his side against Dan Snyder

All-time biz respecter move by Kirk here. He's basically got flashcards for the reporters... He is doing it, I would expect, to get the media on his side. So he's like, all right, if I get the media on my side, then I'll basically be able to strong arm Dan Snyder.

LA is a bad football city because they don't know who Boltman is

Seriously, this is a perfect example of how L.A. is just, you can't have a football team in L.A. How do you not know Boltman? He's fucking Boltman. Like, it's pretty clear that it's Boltman. And you can't ask Boltman to take off his helmet.

Bruce Arians is on the hot seat because he is losing his mind and making terrible challenges

Bruce Arians is officially actually on the hot seat because I don't think he has all his marbles... That challenge though, everyone was saying how bad it was, but it we correctly identified it as the football guy who gets so frustrated he just challenges a random play he knows he's gonna lose.

I would take a catch challenge against any mortal because my hands are still elite

My hands are still very, very good. I'm willing to get in any type of catch challenge with any mortal.

Warren Moon is the best quarterback I ever played with and it's not even close

Warren Moon. It's not even close. Really? Warren Moon. We played two seasons together. I had 244 catches and 24 touchdowns in only two years.

Randy Moss is the most talented wide receiver that has ever played the game

I knew he was probably the most talented wide receiver that's ever played the game. Because he was that rare. But all the other things in his football brain is what knew that, man, this kid is really, really special.

Randy Moss will be a first-ballot Hall of Famer

I think he is [a first ballot Hall of Famer]. Yeah. He has the numbers. He had the type of impact on football that would warrant him going into the Hall of First Ballot.

The NFL product suffers in September because the CBA limits padded practices

When they changed the collective bargain agreement... the player's like, okay, we want to practice less. All right, we'll grant you that. It's affected the product, all right? Because you can't have the few number of padded practices and train people how to play in the NFL. It's not going to work, so the product will suffer the first month of the season.

Joe Flacco is not elite overall but has elite moments that elevate his team

Elite? Right on the border... In the pressure moments, can a guy rise up and elevate his team to the elite level? ... Joe Flacco not elite anymore but was once elite. No, no, no. Has elite moments. And raise his team to an elite level. Get it right.

Colin Kaepernick doesn't have the personality to effectively verbalize his cause

I just don't think he has the personality. I think that it's very, very rare that you see someone take such a prominent position on something that's really profound and not really necessarily have the personality that would allow them to be able to verbalize it... when you can't communicate with the general public of what your cause is and your reasoning, it's not going to endear people to what you're trying to say.

Colin Kaepernick is a starting-level upgrade for 4 to 5 NFL teams right now

How many teams in the league right now do you think he would be an upgrade for at the starting quarterback position? Well, you can go through them. At least four or five. I mean, you don't have to leave New York. I mean, Josh McCown. I mean, my goodness.