Takes

Kevin Durant will sign with the Knicks to get his 'masculinity' back

This is going to be the greatest free agent summer of all time, because we basically have Kevin Durant being like, can an entire internet troll him into going to the Knicks just to try to get his made-up masculinity back... We will take away the Triple B [Baby Back Bitch] if he goes to the Knicks.

Zion Williamson chose Duke over Kansas solely for the free education

Zion... decided not to go to Kansas for said money or whatever occupational preferences... and instead decided he wanted to go get an education for free at Duke University... Can't a young person just change their mind and say, I'd rather not have money? I'd rather play for Coach K.

Coach K has avoided the FBI investigation because his name is too difficult for agents to spell in reports

Coach K has somehow avoided all sorts of investigations and indictments because his last name is so difficult to spell if you're an FBI agent... you have to type out Krzyzewski probably 400 times... I'm saying no thank you, I'm going to investigate Bill Self.

Cody Bellinger is definitely on steroids

Cody Bellinger, Los Angeles Dodgers phenom. He just hit his 21st home run of the season... I think if he stays on this pace, he's going to hit like 58 home runs or something, huh? ... That's kind of what Cody's doing with steroids. Because you're not allowed to use them at all. They test you all the time.

Adam Schefter didn't go to Mexico because he's afraid of getting kidnapped because he fits perfectly in a trunk

Maybe because his body is so short and it fits so perfectly in a trunk, he doesn't want to go there and get kidnapped.

Tom Brady's absence from practice is linked to a heist or Roger Goodell's death threats

Tom Brady cut his thumb and missed the second preseason game... he then missed practice on Sunday and Monday... Roger Goodell just said that he received some death threats over the weekend. Hmm. Did Tom Brady take part in a heist? Something happened.

Ken Griffey Jr. likely used performance enhancers given his weight gain

1989 was his debut. He weighed 195 pounds. Late 90s, he was listed at 205. 2004, I dug it up. He was listed at 215. And then when he retired, he was listed at 230. So over the course of 20 years... he gained 35 pounds. Hmm. Just saying.

Pokemon Go is a CIA government conspiracy to track data and map building interiors

Seriously, though, Pokemon Go is a government conspiracy, and I don't know why anyone... my last one was basically Pokemon Go has somewhere sitting with the CIA and they're saying, huh, how do we get inside people's buildings?... Let's just throw a squirtle right by someone's refrigerator. Picture.

It is suspicious that LeBron James still hasn't signed his contract with the Cavaliers

NBA Free Agency... LeBron James still hasn't signed with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Hmm. Just saying. Hmm. I'm not saying, but. Hmm. Has everybody else signed? Yeah. So... he has not.