Takes

Handshake lines in college athletics are outdated and should be removed

and shake lines in general for college athletics is, I mean, it's just like, it's outdated. ... what do you expect after a heated, competitive game sportsmanship, but we got rid of them with COVID and I think that should have just been like the [end].

English literature majors can graduate college without attending in-person classes

Problem is now that I have actually have in-person classes, I just don't go because I'm too used to smoking weed and playing video games. So I was just wondering if I can graduate without going to class for the rest of my college career... Yeah, you sure can. It's called being an English major.

To graduate college, you either have to read the book or go to class—you don't have to do both

the tip I always give is I would either read the book or go to class one or the other, you pick one or the other and you'll be fine. I would either go like, if I didn't want to read the book, I'd go to every single class. If I didn't feel like going to class, I'd read every single book on the list because they basically give you all the answers in college.

Tom Izzo is overrated

I picked a really bad time to unearth the Tom Izzo is overrated thing.

Drew Timmy is soft because his shoulders are too small

I think [Drew Timmy's] shoulders are too small. They sink down a little bit. They're too small. He doesn't have—you can't play in the low post without man shoulders. He's got like Reggie Miller shoulders. They're two slender.

NIL deals at Power 5 schools are often just booster kickbacks, not real endorsements

Tell me what have you seen them [Power 5 recruits] endorse? ... How can you get a million dollars worth of endorsements for a kid at these power fives and nobody sees nothing? ... At least if you say you're going to do something, we got to at least see it. The NCAA should hold people accountable if they say they got a deal.

NFL Quarterback Ranking: Aaron Rodgers is #1, Mahomes #2, and Dak Prescott is #3

Number one, Tom Brady's retired... Aaron Rodgers is one. Mahomes is two. Dak is three. ... Four, I'm going to go with my guy from Buffalo, Josh Allen.

MLB will realize people don't miss baseball as much as they think if the lockout continues

If baseball doesn't start the season and play a full season, they're going to learn very quickly that they miscalculated the world's need for baseball. I wouldn't notice fully until like late June and be like, where the fuck is my baseball?

People under five foot nine should not be allowed to lead countries

If you're five foot nine or less, you should not be in charge of a country. I will fully admit my people [short people] have a deficiency and that's like, we like to try to take over the world to prove everyone... we should not be allowed within 50 miles of a nuclear missile.

Tom Izzo is an overrated coach

I'm finally being vindicated on my take I've been squatting on for six years... about Tom Izzo. If you're saying he's an all-time great, he's definitely overrated. If you want to be considered one of the best coaches, you have to win a second championship.

I'd rather have 11 Mitchell Trubiskys playing every position than Carson Wentz at quarterback

I saw that the Washington Commanders were targeting Carson Wentz as their quarterback. I would rather literally have 11 Mitchell Trubiskys playing every position than Carson Wentz at quarterback.

Prime Cam Newton is the ultimate choice for a team of 11 clones

Prime Cam Newton without a doubt would be [the choice]. I'm switching mine to prime Cam Newton... think about how big and strong and fast he is and can throw. He would have the one thing prime [would need].

Interacting with other parents is the absolute worst part of parenting

My son's school closed because of construction permanently and I got stuck in a WhatsApp thread with a bunch of parents who wanted to sue. This is not what I like—being a parent is awesome of your children. Having to interact with other parents is the worst.

The Juwan Howard incident was great for college basketball

I'm smashing the good for college basketball button. Of course it is awesome for college basketball... Rivalries in college sports where it's always on the cusp of turning violent. That's just good for the sport and nothing bad happened.

Phil Mickelson is naive and selfish for his Saudi comments

I love what a dumb ass Bryson is... Phil Mickelson, oopsie... I thought Phil Mickelson was naive, selfish, egotistical, and ignorant because he, you need to kick him when he was down... he actually wrapped all the contexts in the world around that quote.

I want to invent soundproof 'fart pants' for airplanes

My idea was to get fart pants, to invent fart pants. And it would just consist of pants that were soundproof. So you could wear them... when I fart on an airplane, it's never smelly. It doesn't stink. It's just air. And it's just super loud.

Restaurants should offer oversized sweatshirts for customers who want to keep eating

A restaurant should offer an oversized sweatshirt or even a blanket so that you can keep eating through that... somewhere between like appetizers maybe right after appetite is like, sir, are you, are you planning on eating past full well, yeah, always. Can we offer you this three XL sweatshirt?

The best sideline reporting happens when I act as a 'spy' for the broadcast

I like to think I'm a spy on the field... get a camera to Aaron Donald, he's just going off on the sideline... or Antonio Brown kind of, you know, doing something with his leg... The important thing is... the shit you don't hear from me, but I can get the camera and tell our producer and director. I love it. I got off on it.

Producing live events with athletes is like 'corralling cats'

I have a producer in my ear yelling at me... I have a little bit of a like corralling cats and kindergarten teacher. Like, you need to sit down, you need to be quiet... I'm trying to keep this live event moving and mind you there's like alcohol involved.

Tom Brady's conference calls are unbelievable

Brady's conference calls with us were un-fucking-believable. I will miss those so much. He did a lot on them, which I thought was great.

Traveling with kids is a 'trip', not a 'vacation'

It's vacation when you don't have children with you. And it's a trip when you do, because you're not, it's not a vacation when you bring your kids... Away game parenting is so much harder than a home game.

The NBA should get rid of the three-point line

I think they should get rid of the three really... I think much like the shot clock, where they were like enough of this... I think he should get rid of the three really.

Best man speeches must be five minutes or less

I think you have to keep it like five minutes or less. I think anyone who goes longer than that is... it's three to five minutes.

You should never use notes for a best man speech

I think you have to speak. I think the notes make you freaked out... I think no notes is the way to go... If you're up reading notes, you lose already because everyone's like, wait, you need notes for this?

The 'Hangover Theory': Regret and life-change desires disappear by Tuesday

When you're hungover... it fucking goes away. It goes away. It doesn't feel like it's going to go away... and you're like, should I take a foreign language? Maybe I finally learn an instrument... And then by Tuesday, you're like, what a fucking weirdo I was for 36 hours.

Being the 'Cooler Guy' is a better social strategy than being the 'Grill Guy'

Be the cooler guy, not the grill guy. That's a big one. The grill guy in any outing or barbecue or anything sucks... Cooler guy gets to control the beer. Also, if you can keep everything cold, everyone's going to be like, oh my God, you did a great job.

In a bar fight, ask 'what did you just say?' then punch them while they repeat it

If you do find yourself in a fight... the guy says something to you, ask and be like, what'd you just say? And then as he starts to repeat himself, that's when you punch him because he's focused on remembering what he just said... He never expects the punch in that situation.

Kobe Bryant has the strongest connection to his city of any modern athlete

I guess you could say Jeter, but that doesn't feel as tight as the Kobe thing. It feels like 1990 degree Mickey Mantle shit... There's not five people in modern sports that are more connected to the way a city loves them than Kobe and LA.

If Odell Beckham Jr. does not get hurt, the Rams win the Super Bowl by 10 points

I also think if you want to do a, what if I, what if, what if Odell Beckham doesn't get hurt? Did the Rams run by 10? Like they were looking back at that game. They had three drives or it might've been four drives two punts, two touchdowns. But the two touchdowns were very easy. One Soto [Odell] Beckham goes out. They don't, they don't do anything until that last drive.

Kyler Murray leads the league in nonsense

All of this nonsense is not what I'm about. Never has been, never will be... All that says it, all, all of this nonsense that I, that I directly caused is I'm not. And you can make the case that this is just more nonsense, correct? I think Kyler Murray leads the league in nonsense.

I could record two points and a rebound in an NBA game

That was the thing on the, on the team plane home one year or one flight, we said, I can get you two points in, in a rebound in NBA game. You could? Yeah, I think I could, but rebound, the rebound would be tough.

Relationships built entirely on fitness and distance running are not built to last

Relationships built off fitness. I don't think are built to last because at some point, yeah, you're going to be out of shape. Well, and then you both have to be fitness freaks and then make tick talks together about like meal prep and shit.

Eli Apple is the most disliked player in the NFL

Do you think that there's a more disliked player in the NFL than Eli Apple? Cause they picked on him and it was like every single player that was watching the game, current players, were just roasting the fuck out of him. Like he was getting just dragged by guys that are like the third wide out on some of the worst teams.

The BMW 'Electric Avenue' was one of the three best commercials of Super Bowl 56

For me, the cars dominated this year's broadcast. One of them, obviously I have to award it to the electric avenue, BMW commercial for Zeus and the other. I like the Austin Powers one.

The Waste Management Open is the best sporting event crowd scene in the world

Waste management opening was this weekend. One of the best, I think sporting event, crowd scenes, that I've never been to that looks so, so, so much fun... you know, I went to showers, beers, throw beers, have to delay and clean them all up. It looks unbelievable.

Adam Schefter's sentimental Matthew Stafford/OBJ photoshop made no sense

I have a whose back of the week is stupid tweets that try to be sentimental because Adam Schefter's tweet after super bowl makes no sense. He said to all those who said it couldn't be done, and it's a picture of Eli Manning, Calvin Johnson, Jarvis Landry, looking on as Matthew Stafford and OBJ celebrate the super bowl.

If Aaron Donald wins Super Bowl MVP, he is in the discussion for best defensive player ever

Aaron Donald, if he wins a Super Bowl and a Super Bowl MVP, he now is absolutely in the discussion for best defensive player of all time. He's already a Hall of Famer... there's only been like two or three guys who've been All-Pro eight out of their first nine years.

My field goal range is up to 75 yards in practice

75 yards. [In college]. I don't know if [Zac Taylor] would let me try 70, but it would have to be the right conditions for sure. I don't know if 70 is the right number, maybe 67 to break the record.

Modern legalized weed is too high in THC and I miss the 'bad weed' from high school

Bad weed nowadays, it's hard to find out here, man. It sucks. It's gotten much too good... I want something like pretty casual. I don't smoke as much as I used to. I would like to have a life after this. And they're like, 'this is solid,' and I look at it and it's 38% THC. I'm like, how is this okay? When I go, I just ask for like bad. I just say, I want something like pretty bad.

I could easily run a 5k in under 30 minutes if I actually trained

If I trained, which I won't, I could be under 30 easy. No problem. My pace was already 4:30... 34 minutes, I didn't stop. I just fucking powered through.

Tom Brady should have admitted he got lucky on the Tuck Rule in the 30 for 30

I was watching over her shoulder and Tom Brady... he's sitting on a couch with Charles Woodson. And they actually pull a football out and you can see they're talking about the Tuck Rule... why wouldn't he just say, 'Hey Charles, you know what? You're right. It was a crap call, man. It was, I'm not sure that we deserve that.' Give the satisfaction to someone else.

Chargers fans are the 'Yacht Rock' of NFL fanbases

Chargers fans are like the yacht rock of fans. You go to that stadium? No one's in like boots, like ready to fight. No, one's like, it's like, everyone's in flip-flops everyone's high... It's literally, it's the yacht rock of NFL teams. It's such a pleasant experience. Charger fans and I it's just like, it's like a Michael McDonald song. It's just like, it's smooth, man. It's smooth.

The Jackass crew is the peak of American culture

They are to me... I know people will say, this is like a sad statement. They're like the peak of like American culture to me. Like, I love everything about them. I think they're so fucking funny... it's like, it's genius. Everything about it is genius.

The world would have more in common if everyone sat down and watched Jackass together

I still to this day... I think that you could take Jackass, you could show it to ISIS and they would laugh their balls off. They would, it would actually bring the world together. If we could just have a set aside two hours where everybody in the world sits down and watch Jackass, and we'd be like, you know what? We got a lot more in common than maybe we thought.

My cross-country road trip changed my life

It unlocked something in my brain that I don't think will ever go away. We just discover a lot about myself, which... [the road trip] saved, it changed my life.

Five years is the official amount of time for a meme to become funny again

It's the perfect time for it to come full circle. Cause we've, we've predicted, we've had this conversation off air many times. Like when do you think Harambe jokes are going to be funny again? I think five years is now officially the amount of time when something can become fun again.

Athletes only get into fights at 'nightclubs,' never at 'bars'

Have you ever noticed that when it's an athlete getting into a bar fight, it's always a nightclub. Yeah. And it's never like, they never just say like at a bar it's like at, at a local nightclub establishment.

Bert 'Be Home' Blyleven is my best nickname ever

Bert Blyleven cause that's 'Be Home' Blyleven. Because you don't have to see... a kid and you heard from your parents 'be home by 11.' And as a parent you've told your kid 'be home by 11.' You don't have to be a genius to figure these out. That's probably the best.

The Rolling Stones are the greatest rock band of all time

If you're asking me a rock and roll honest question would have to be the [Rolling] Stones. I just think I would, because they're still doing it. And the songs from the sixties, they still could come out today. They they're, you know, 'Under My Thumb'...

Terry McLaurin is easily a top 10 receiver in the NFL

I think that Terry McLaurin is easily a top 10 receiver in the NFL. Some of the catches that he was making this year were just unreal. The guy doesn't drop balls. It's insane.