Takes

Kobe Bryant was a more skilled offensive player than Michael Jordan

When I say Kobe is better than Michael Jordan, I'm talking about as far as skilled in the overall game... Kobe can do everything Michael Jordan can do, but he learned how to do it better offensively.

Every NBA player should be allowed to fight one fan per year with no legal consequences

I had the idea every player should get to fight one fan a year. You can call them out and no legal recourse. You don't get arrested. Nothing happens... Once you use it, you lose it.

Clothing companies should manufacture pants with built-in iPhone chargers in the pockets

I have a really good drunk idea... It's shorts that have an iPhone charger built into the pocket... You plug your pants into the wall... It's a Mophie that you can wear.

Daryl Morey is playing with house money and the Jimmy Butler pursuit is his ultimate move

It's almost like he's playing with house money at this point, and Jimmy Butler, J-Butt, is the ultimate house money move.

LeBron James giving Anthony Davis his number 23 jersey means it is now Davis' team

I think that means that this is Anthony Davis' team though. I think it does. If we're talking Batman and Robin, the Batman definitely wears number 23.

Step Brothers is a movie that holds up perfectly between commercial breaks on TV

Step Brothers is so rewatchable. You know what's crazy? When I first saw Step Brothers I didn't think it was that good but now if you see it on TV every scene every like in between commercial breaks holds up on its own and you have to watch the whole thing.

Poutine is not the national food of Canada

Poutine is not the national food of Canada. I have never had poutine before. Now suddenly everybody's Mr. Poutine. This is poutine. This side and the other thing.

Wrestling heels must stay in character at the arena to maintain credibility with fans

My thing is when you're a bad guy, a heel, you, of course, obviously just the character you play, but when you're on site at the arena, you have to play the character. You have to because if you don't, if you're nice to everybody and then an hour later when you're in the ring and trying to get people to boo you, people are like, oh, I'm not going to boo you.

NASCAR crew chiefs must bend or break the rules to be successful

If you take a car that's legal from front to back, completely legal through the rule book, you're not going to run very well. You're not going to do well. And the crew chiefs, the crew chief that I want, the team that I want, are the ones that are willing to gamble and be aggressive with the rules, bend the rules, maybe break a few rules, because I know that that's what I'm competing against.

Doc Rivers looked like a better coach when Austin Rivers was on his team because Austin was such a shithead

Doc Rivers appeared to be a better coach when he had his son on the team because his son was such a shithead that if you could squeeze a little bit of blood out of Austin Rivers, then you looked like a fucking genius.

The Warriors training staff is sketchy and prioritizes the team over player health

My hot seat is the Warriors training staff. Since the Durant injury, there's been rumors about how Durant was ripshit over the Warriors training staff for kind of lying to him and telling him that the injury wasn't as bad... And Iguodala went on The Breakfast Club today, and he basically revealed himself that he had a fractured leg in the 2018 playoffs, but that was kept under wraps and downplayed.

I hate the Walenda family and their high-wire acts

My other hot seat is the Walendas. I fucking hate those people. I'm so sick of them. It is bullshit that you watch it and you're just hoping [they fall]. And they're on straps and those sisters singing about glory to God the whole time because, you know, really God cares about you being an idiot and walking on a high wire over Times Square.

Creative people usually peak in their 20s

When I think about creative people, usually those peak years are in those 20s. You know, you're seeing things for the first time, you're experiencing them in new ways and you're reacting.

The guy who looks successful at 23 will be the first to have a midlife crisis

The dude that is looking like they have their shit put together when they're 23, 24 years old, that's the guy that hits the midlife crisis first. That's the guy that wants to get away from it because he grew up too fast.

Be fat on your wedding day so you look better for the rest of your life by comparison

Some old man gave me advice on that, too. He said, whenever you get married, make sure you're really fat because then that's the one picture that everyone compares you to the rest of your life. Because that's the one picture you put in your house. It's like you on your wedding day with your wife. And so when you're walking by, they're like, damn.

I can probably bench 350 pounds now because of dad strength

I want to do like a full study on whether dad strength is a real thing. 350 probably. I'm going to throw that out there. 350. I'd say dad strength is a thing.

Zion Williamson is the most beloved athlete in the last 20 years

Is Zion Williamson the most beloved athlete in the last 20 years? The most beloved. I'm talking about everyone loves him... universallly sports fans it feels like everyone's rooting for [Zion].

Space Jam 2 is a front to pay players off the books and avoid the NBA salary cap

Space Jam 2 is just an excuse to pay players off the book and avoid the salary cap. Palenka, he doesn't have to know anything about the salary cap. All he has to know is LeBron James' cell phone number and be like, hey, is the money good? Right. Okay, awesome. He's got a spreadsheet. Can you shave $10 million off Lola Bunny's contract and funnel it to Anthony Davis?

VAR is ruining soccer and we should go back to just complaining about refs

My other fire fest... is robots. Especially VAR robots in the World Cup, in the Women's World Cup. It's ruining soccer. It is absolutely ruining it. I'm actually the mindset that I'm out on instant replay across the board. I think we've gone too far. Fuck the robots. We need to complain about refs.

90 minutes is the perfect length for a comedy movie

And it's only like, it's like 90 minutes, which is, I think a perfect comedy movie time. Because whenever they try to do like... a hundred minutes, you know, there's going to be 15 minutes where they're like, this just stretches on. Seeing under 100 minutes, I'm instantly more likely to click it.

Entourage's simple 'problem-solving' structure was hilarious and brilliant

I love what the problems were... in entourage... like if you think about, you know, you watch the episode and you think what was the problem they had to solve and it's like man fuck Vince they want you to do Aquaman and this other movie but we don't know if you can do both... wait guys we figured it out Vince can do both he's getting 50 million dollars.

Sports only drive bar business about 70 days a year

Sports will only fill a bar about 70 days a year... And a lot of people think, oh, but a sports bar, they come every night. That's not true. They don't come for every baseball game, only postseason. They don't come for every NBA game, only postseason...tops 70, 80 days.

Women over 34 need backs on barstools, while younger women prefer stools without them

When you have women over 34, you put her back on a barstool... Under 34, you don't. And the reason why is over 34, women get very sensitive about their asses... Under 34, I want you to spin around for interactivity.

The NBA Draft is the most anticlimactic show on television

Is there any more anticlimactic TV show than the NBA draft? ... You only have to tune in for the first five minutes of the NBA draft and then you're good to go.

Brett Favre would be a better NFL quarterback today because defenders can't touch him

I would actually make the argument that the rules of the game have changed where Brett Favre would probably be a better quarterback right now. Can't touch the quarterback. Just throw the fuck out of the ball downfield and get pass interference.

Mark Zuckerberg is going to run the world and we should all start bootlicking him now

The guy who just stole the world's privacy and helped rig elections is now going to control our money... I'm going to start bootlicking the shit out of Mark Zuckerberg because he's going to, like it or not, he's going to run the world. So you might as well get on his side early.

The 'Dad Bod' trend is a total lie

Dad bod is such a lie... You love Seth Rogen because he's so funny and he gets high and he makes funny movies. That's not what every other dad bod [is]. We're dad bods because we're lazy and we're grumpy and we suck. At everything.

The MLB draft system is essentially a servitude that hurts the sport

The common theme was you get what the guy got last year, and if you don't accept it, you're greedy... So it basically turned into a servitude. And I really felt that was not good for the game because I felt we're going to lose the great athletes to other sports.

Long-term baseball contracts are actually deferment portals for the player's true value

Long-term contracts are... for the true value of the player in the short term being a deferment portal for those values that you didn't pay up front in the future years. For example, a player is worth $80 million a year... they pay him $32 million over 10 years. And then we have the public complaining that the last four years he didn't earn the $32 million when they forgot that he was worth $80 million the first four.

Jim Nantz is the best broadcaster to ever call golf on television

I'd rather listen to [Jim Nantz] do golf than listen to myself do golf. ... I think he's the best to ever call golf on TV in my lifetime, or at least in my adulthood. And I wanted to hear him do golf at Pebble Beach. ... I'd rather fall asleep to him calling golf while I lay on the couch than anybody else.

I would support but not encourage my daughter if she wanted to box

I would not like my daughter to fight. ... I know I will never tell my kids not to. I am not encouraging them to, but at the same time, I will support them whatever they want to do, you know, in life, because you have to.

A cross breeze is better than using air conditioning

Listen, son. You can just open up the windows on both sides. You get a great cross breeze through the house. It's the same thing as having AC on. ... Cross breeze is better than the AC.

Kawhi Leonard is actually more fun than the internet portrays him

Let's be nice to Kawhi. I think Kawhi is more fun than we then the internet collectively has put on him. ... The brand is very strong. ... There's nothing he can do at this point to be like, oh, my God, Kawhi's coming out of his shell.

Injuries are part of the game and shouldn't lead to an asterisk for the Raptors' title

Being healthy is part of winning an NBA championship. And I hate when people do the asterisks. Being healthy is part of winning an NBA championship.

Mike Allstott is a sellout because he is a high school coach who doesn't use a fullback

Mike Allstott, one of my heroes, all-time fullback... is a sellout. He's a high school coach, and he doesn't use a fullback in his offense.

Doing LSD with your parents is a high-risk, low-reward proposition

If you do LSD with your parents, your ceiling is having not a bad time... Your basement, your floor is freaking out and irreparably damaging your relationship with your parents.

The Achilles injury should be renamed the 'Kobe Heel'

We need to rebrand the Achilles injury. We named it after a dude that lost a war like 5,000 years ago. And we're still calling it the Achilles. It should be the Kobe heel.

Bob Myers' tears at the Kevin Durant press conference were 'guilty man' tears

I'm going to say it was more because he [Bob Myers] fucked up somehow. Yeah, those are the tears. And if he cries, those are the tears of a guilty man who's like, I need to be super emotional because I know that my medical staff fucked up by allowing him to go out there and now everyone would be like, oh, poor Bob Myers, he really cares.

Sports fans are, by definition, not well-adjusted human beings

If you are a fan of any team, any sport, and you think your fan base doesn't have bad moments, you're crazy. Because literally, step one of being a fan, it's fanatic. Sports fans, by definition, are not well-adjusted human beings.

Michael Jordan's 90s Bulls were much bigger than the current Warriors

They were the Beatles. It was so much bigger than the Warriors. People have no idea... They say that, I mean, I have traveled with the Warriors too and they say it's equal, but it's not equal because I've done both.

Nick Nurse called one of the worst timeouts of all time in Game 5

Nick Nurse with one of the worst timeouts of all time. He said he was actually trying to get them some rest... Kawhi Leonard goes supernova, 10 points in like 90 seconds. I swear to God, Nick Nurse called that timeout to soak it in... It's like, what are you doing, dude? You have all the momentum in the world.

Dabo Swinney should be referred to as 'Osama bin Dabo'

Dabo Swinney said that when he's going on recruiting visits through Alabama, he's got to like duck cover, go in underground tunnels... He said that he is Osama bin Dabo when he's traveling throughout Alabama. So that's a pretty solid quote from Dabo Swinney... Osama bin Dabo is now officially what we're going to call Dabo Swinney from now.

Alexi Lalas has the most smug face in national sports media

Alexi Lalas looking like a smug prick on national television. It's Alexi Lalas season, and that means that he gets to stare into the camera after every single game looking smugly like he kidnapped your dog... He's back in a bit. He's got the most smug face, I think, on national sports media these days.

Donald Trump cheats at golf by giving himself club championships he didn't win

What he does, he plays the first round at any course he opens by himself with Melania in the cart or whoever, and he calls that the club championship... And there was one he won when he was in Philly and the tournament was in Bedminster. And he called and said, well, won the club championship... make me the club champ. Just on his word.

Donald Trump would shoot an 85 if he were completely honest

[Big Cat]: What would you say Donald Trump would shoot if he was completely honest about every shot right now? [Reilly]: 85. That's still pretty good... But at Tahoe they kept track, right? And he didn't break an 80.

Having sex with the lights on is 'awesome'

No, having sex with lights on is awesome... I like the lights on. I think it's great. So much hotter with the lights on.

Sports fans are forbidden from shaving their beards during a deep playoff run

If you're a sports fan and you're a fan of your hockey team and they're in fucking Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Final and you have a beard, you cannot shave it. I don't care if you're superstitious.

There is a distinct difference between being cool and being a badass

Jules is cool... He has bad motherfucker on his wallet, but he's essentially very cool. He's lethal and dangerous as all hell. Kind of like Ordell is a bad motherfucker. He's not cool because he's kind of corny and he dresses kind of wack and his hair ain't all the way there. But he will fuck you up.

Motherfucker is the most versatile word in the English language

My favorite curse word is probably motherfucker, yeah. Because I use it for a lot of different things... You can mother fuck somebody if you're mad. Or you can describe a person as, you know the motherfucker I'm talking about. Or you can say, oh man, that shit's a motherfucker, meaning it's really great shit.

Baseball needs 'old school' guys like Madison Bumgarner to keep the ecosystem balanced

Madison Baumgartner is one of the last guys that we need in this league because he is an anti-bat flipper, anti-pimp your home run. Goose Gossage is actually very important. He's like a beaver for the ecosystem. If you don't have someone yelling about bat flips... then we're all on Twitter being like, bat flips are awesome. Fuck the old guys. It's like, dude, you're talking about no one now.