Takes

VAR is ruining soccer and we should go back to just complaining about refs

My other fire fest... is robots. Especially VAR robots in the World Cup, in the Women's World Cup. It's ruining soccer. It is absolutely ruining it. I'm actually the mindset that I'm out on instant replay across the board. I think we've gone too far. Fuck the robots. We need to complain about refs.

90 minutes is the perfect length for a comedy movie

And it's only like, it's like 90 minutes, which is, I think a perfect comedy movie time. Because whenever they try to do like... a hundred minutes, you know, there's going to be 15 minutes where they're like, this just stretches on. Seeing under 100 minutes, I'm instantly more likely to click it.

It's funny to catch on to a trend or hype cycle way late after it's no longer cool

It's funny to not be... eating on the hype when it's hot. Catch it way later. And then bring it back. Revive it.

Sports only drive bar business about 70 days a year

Sports will only fill a bar about 70 days a year... And a lot of people think, oh, but a sports bar, they come every night. That's not true. They don't come for every baseball game, only postseason. They don't come for every NBA game, only postseason...tops 70, 80 days.

Women over 34 need backs on barstools, while younger women prefer stools without them

When you have women over 34, you put her back on a barstool... Under 34, you don't. And the reason why is over 34, women get very sensitive about their asses... Under 34, I want you to spin around for interactivity.

Ladybugs are good luck and you should never eat them

Are you sure [the bug eater is] not one of you? ... He started eating ladybugs. Well, no, you don't eat ladybugs. Ladybugs are luck. They're good luck.

The NBA Draft is the most anticlimactic show on television

Is there any more anticlimactic TV show than the NBA draft? ... It's like the reverse of watching an actual NBA game is like you only have to tune in for the first five minutes of the NBA draft and then you're good to go.

Brett Favre would be a better NFL quarterback today because defenders can't touch him

I would actually make the argument that the rules of the game have changed where Brett Favre would probably be a better quarterback right now. Can't touch the quarterback. Just throw the fuck out of the ball downfield and get pass interference.

You shouldn't make daily small talk with coworkers who are outside of your direct department because they probably hate you

If you don't work with them directly, you shouldn't be striking up conversations with people every single day. Because those people probably hate you.

Mark Zuckerberg is going to run the world and we should all start bootlicking him now

The guy who just stole the world's privacy and helped rig elections is now going to control our money... I'm going to start bootlicking the shit out of Mark Zuckerberg because he's going to, like it or not, he's going to run the world. So you might as well get on his side early.

LeBron James having a full head of hair again proves that wealth has officially cured baldness

I'm happy for LeBron because... there's a certain level of wealth/fame that if you can't figure out your hair, no one else has a shot in life. So LeBron is the perfect case where... you have to know that baldness has been cured by some level of wealth. This is the whole reason why people aspire to have wealth is so that they don't go bald.

The 'Dad Bod' trend is a total lie

Dad bod is such a lie... You love Seth Rogen because he's so funny and he gets high and he makes funny movies. That's not what every other dad bod [is]. We're dad bods because we're lazy and we're grumpy and we suck. At everything.

The MLB draft system is essentially a servitude that hurts the sport

The common theme was you get what the guy got last year, and if you don't accept it, you're greedy... So it basically turned into a servitude. And I really felt that was not good for the game because I felt we're going to lose the great athletes to other sports.

Baseball front offices are beginning to realize that their expensive analytic valuation systems are somewhat of a fraud

Now, they're determining that this valuation system has a bit of a fraud to it, that it's not exactly quite real, because we have all these evaluations that they're making that are turning out to be probably about a 40% success rate to them... Whereas in just general scouting, the success rate may have been 60%. So all of a sudden there's an equilibrium being defined as to whether the old way or the new way [works better].

Long-term baseball contracts are actually deferment portals for the player's true value

Long-term contracts are... for the true value of the player in the short term being a deferment portal for those values that you didn't pay up front in the future years. For example, a player is worth $80 million a year... they pay him $32 million over 10 years. And then we have the public complaining that the last four years he didn't earn the $32 million when they forgot that he was worth $80 million the first four.

Vacation activities are overrated; a perfect honeymoon is just hanging out at a beach or pool and getting hammered

This is why activities on vacations are overrated in general. Really, a guy's perfect honeymoon or vacation is just go somewhere, hang out at a beach, a pool, and then get hammered. He only does the activities because you want to do the activities.

Brooks Koepka was screwed by the fact that the U.S. Open was moving too slow.

Brooks got screwed by the fact that everything was moving too slow. And we know Brooks doesn't like to play slow. He likes to play fast. ... He's an adrenaline guy. So the second you slow him down, it was like putting in a relief pitcher. They kind of took the rhythm out of Brooks Koepka.

Gary Woodland was a poor sport for chipping off the green at the U.S. Open.

By the way, Gary Woodland, very, very poor sport when he chipped off the green. ... Are you allowed to chip off the green as long as you don't take a divot and you apologize to the course afterwards?

I'm hoping the Lakers sign Carmelo Anthony; he would be a nice piece for them.

I'm hoping that Carmelo Anthony, who is not officially retired, he would be a nice piece [for the Lakers]. Pay him just whatever. ... There are a lot of guys out there who I would like to see get a little run for the Lakers at zero dollars.

Jim Nantz is the best broadcaster to ever call golf on television

I'd rather listen to [Jim Nantz] do golf than listen to myself do golf. ... I think he's the best to ever call golf on TV in my lifetime, or at least in my adulthood. And I wanted to hear him do golf at Pebble Beach. ... I'd rather fall asleep to him calling golf while I lay on the couch than anybody else.

Jim Nantz has the best nap voice in America.

He has, I think, the best nap voice in America out of any announcer. ... If his voice was on my alarm clock, I'd never get up because he just has that soothing [voice].

I would support but not encourage my daughter if she wanted to box

I would not like my daughter to fight. ... I know I will never tell my kids not to. I am not encouraging them to, but at the same time, I will support them whatever they want to do, you know, in life, because you have to.

I truly believe that we can change the world through the food that we eat.

I truly believe that we can change the world through the food that we eat because food is killing a lot of people too in terms of heart disease and obesity and diabetes and chronic illness. So I try to teach people that they can take control of their health.

A cross breeze is better than using air conditioning

Listen, son. You can just open up the windows on both sides. You get a great cross breeze through the house. It's the same thing as having AC on. ... Cross breeze is better than the AC.

Kawhi Leonard is actually more fun than the internet portrays him

Let's be nice to Kawhi. I think Kawhi is more fun than we then the internet collectively has put on him. ... The brand is very strong. ... There's nothing he can do at this point to be like, oh, my God, Kawhi's coming out of his shell.

I am less confident in humanity's survival after hearing about people who eat live bugs.

You have people who have been eating bugs their entire life think that they need to share their story with the internet. ... Now we know about him. And I feel like 0.01% less confident that humanity will continue.

Injuries are part of the game and shouldn't lead to an asterisk for the Raptors' title

Being healthy is part of winning an NBA championship. And I hate when people do the asterisks. Being healthy is part of winning an NBA championship.

Doing LSD with your parents is a high-risk, low-reward proposition

If you do LSD with your parents, your ceiling is having not a bad time... Your basement, your floor is freaking out and irreparably damaging your relationship with your parents.

The Achilles injury should be renamed the 'Kobe Heel'

We need to rebrand the Achilles injury. We named it after a dude that lost a war like 5,000 years ago. And we're still calling it the Achilles. It should be the Kobe heel.

You can't ask a player like Kevin Durant to change his style of play to accommodate an injury

Saying that [Durant] should change his game to fit the injury that he's coming off of... It is bullshit. It's like you don't tell a guy to completely change what they're doing and become like Klay Thompson if you're Kevin Durant. Only catch and shoot. Don't try to create anything off the dribble. Like you don't tell a lion, okay, only chase down a wildebeest if it's making a left.

Bob Myers' tears at the Kevin Durant press conference were 'guilty man' tears

I'm going to say it was more because he [Bob Myers] fucked up somehow. Yeah, those are the tears. And if he cries, those are the tears of a guilty man who's like, I need to be super emotional because I know that my medical staff fucked up by allowing him to go out there and now everyone would be like, oh, poor Bob Myers, he really cares.

Sports fans are, by definition, not well-adjusted human beings

If you are a fan of any team, any sport, and you think your fan base doesn't have bad moments, you're crazy. Because literally, step one of being a fan, it's fanatic. Sports fans, by definition, are not well-adjusted human beings.

Michael Jordan's 90s Bulls were much bigger than the current Warriors

They were the Beatles. It was so much bigger than the Warriors. People have no idea... They say that, I mean, I have traveled with the Warriors too and they say it's equal, but it's not equal because I've done both.

Toronto fans 'blacked out' when Kevin Durant got injured because they have never won anything

You want to win at all costs. You want to see your team win a championship at all costs. And that's totally okay... But in that moment, you blacked out. You have never won anything. And you see, like, the best player in the world go down. You're like, oh, shit. This is actually going to happen.

Nick Nurse called one of the worst timeouts of all time in Game 5

Nick Nurse with one of the worst timeouts of all time. He said he was actually trying to get them some rest... Kawhi Leonard goes supernova, 10 points in like 90 seconds. I swear to God, Nick Nurse called that timeout to soak it in... It's like, what are you doing, dude? You have all the momentum in the world.

Dabo Swinney should be referred to as 'Osama bin Dabo'

Dabo Swinney said that when he's going on recruiting visits through Alabama, he's got to like duck cover, go in underground tunnels... He said that he is Osama bin Dabo when he's traveling throughout Alabama. So that's a pretty solid quote from Dabo Swinney... Osama bin Dabo is now officially what we're going to call Dabo Swinney from now.

Alexi Lalas has the most smug face in national sports media

Alexi Lalas looking like a smug prick on national television. It's Alexi Lalas season, and that means that he gets to stare into the camera after every single game looking smugly like he kidnapped your dog... He's back in a bit. He's got the most smug face, I think, on national sports media these days.

Donald Trump cheats at golf by giving himself club championships he didn't win

What he does, he plays the first round at any course he opens by himself with Melania in the cart or whoever, and he calls that the club championship... And there was one he won when he was in Philly and the tournament was in Bedminster. And he called and said, well, won the club championship... make me the club champ. Just on his word.

Donald Trump would shoot an 85 if he were completely honest

[Big Cat]: What would you say Donald Trump would shoot if he was completely honest about every shot right now? [Reilly]: 85. That's still pretty good... But at Tahoe they kept track, right? And he didn't break an 80.

Tiger Woods should have turned down the Presidential Medal of Freedom from Donald Trump

And Tiger Woods represents complete opposite. The Tiger Woods Foundation bringing golf to all these people that didn't know about it. You're going to take that award... How is that an objective recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom? I mean, I get he can't turn it down. But to me, that's just star fucking of the worst kind.

Peyton Manning is so good at overthrows we should send him to the Middle East to visit ISIS

Manning's so good at overthrows. Maybe we should send him to pay a visit to ISIS. Really good joke on my part... [Reilly]: I said Tim Tebow has more overthrows than the Arab Spring.

The St. Louis Dispatch's leaked 'championship' ad is more embarrassing than the mistake itself

I don't really blame the St. Louis Dispatch because they do have to be prepared. But to get that leaked is the big issue here. I think what happened was they were trying to sell ads... and then somebody took a picture of that email and sent it out.

A Bruins Stanley Cup Game 7 at home is a once-in-a-lifetime sports event

It's like Game 7 at home Bruins once in a lifetime thing, but I'm not a diehard Bruins fan. But it's your birthday and it's a party.

Sports fans are forbidden from shaving their beards during a deep playoff run

If you're a sports fan and you're a fan of your hockey team and they're in fucking Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Final and you have a beard, you cannot shave it. I don't care if you're superstitious.

I need football back because I'm watching obscure sports like beach volleyball and under-20 soccer out of desperation

The amount of sports that are on that are sports I don't care about is an insane amount right now. And I just, this, my who's back is I need football back because I wrote down everything that I watched this weekend... I watched some WNBA. I watched some lacrosse. I watched some tennis. I watched some beach volleyball... I watched an under-20 soccer match that we lost.

The US Men's National Team future looks bleak after their Under-20 World Cup performance

We got our asses kicked in the under-20 World Cup. The future's not here. Not here for the men.

There is a distinct difference between being cool and being a badass

Jules is cool... He has bad motherfucker on his wallet, but he's essentially very cool. He's lethal and dangerous as all hell. Kind of like Ordell is a bad motherfucker. He's not cool because he's kind of corny and he dresses kind of wack and his hair ain't all the way there. But he will fuck you up.

Motherfucker is the most versatile word in the English language

My favorite curse word is probably motherfucker, yeah. Because I use it for a lot of different things... You can mother fuck somebody if you're mad. Or you can describe a person as, you know the motherfucker I'm talking about. Or you can say, oh man, that shit's a motherfucker, meaning it's really great shit.

Baseball needs 'old school' guys like Madison Bumgarner to keep the ecosystem balanced

Madison Baumgartner is one of the last guys that we need in this league because he is an anti-bat flipper, anti-pimp your home run. Goose Gossage is actually very important. He's like a beaver for the ecosystem. If you don't have someone yelling about bat flips... then we're all on Twitter being like, bat flips are awesome. Fuck the old guys. It's like, dude, you're talking about no one now.

Dodgeball is a great game and researchers shouldn't overthink its 'oppressive' nature

I kind of disagree with [the research]. I feel like physical education should just be like, play a bunch of shitty games, don't have to be in class for an hour, and don't overthink it. It's just a game that you just fucking pass the time with when you're shitty gym teachers like here just throw balls at each other.