Takes

Gary Sanchez should have his pinstripes taken away for his lazy play against the Rays

He removed his pinstripes, said Gary Sanchez should have his pinstripes taken away... El Gary is supposed to be the people talking Hall of Fame after his first year... he should just show up to the next home game with the road jersey and be like, here you go, boss. Here are my pinstripes.

Peeing in the sink is sterile and saves water, so girlfriends shouldn't complain

Ruining the plates, ruining them? Okay, that's a little drastic. It's called soap. It's called dishwasher. Pee is sterile. There's no problem with this. And you're overreacting. And guess what? He might dump you because you're not a cool chick. Cool chicks let their guys pee in the sink.

Rachel McAdams is the number one wifey material

I think that's the meanest thing you can say to a girl because Rachel McAdams is like the number one wifey material. Like she is. Like you'd rather your boyfriend say like your friend looks like a porn star or like some crazy model or something like that. But Rachel McAdams like in Wedding Crashers. Oof, Marron.

Nothing in sports compares to Tiger Woods being in contention on a major Sunday

When Tiger is involved in a major on Sunday, there's nothing like it in sports. And just to have those few moments... everyone was like, this actually could happen. Like Tiger could actually do it. He's wearing his Sunday red. Everyone was excited.

Twitter would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen

The first one I have is the Cuban Missile Crisis. So the Cuban Missile Crisis, when the world is about to go in a nuclear standoff, I think Twitter might have actually had it happen. Like if JFK was tweeting at the Russians, like that probably would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen.

The morning sports media market is completely oversaturated and lacks a captive audience

The morning market is so oversaturated. And people's viewing patterns when they wake up in the morning, it feels like you do the same thing every morning where you may tune into something, click on something, and then that's it. It's hard to get that captive audience there in the morning that isn't already paying attention to something else.

The Patriots only traded Jimmy Garoppolo because Tom Brady forced them to

It doesn't make sense what happened in New England. If you tell me that that organization all of a sudden said, we're not trading Garoppolo. You can't have Garoppolo. Then all of a sudden you could have Garoppolo for a second-round draft pick. It doesn't make sense. And then, you know, so Brady, if he's pushing them to say, look, I'm not retiring here. Get rid of the kid. It feels like now Brady's indebted to them a little bit because they did what it felt like he asked them to do.

I would take five LeBrons over five Michael Jordans in a prime matchup

[Big Cat]: Five MJs, five LeBrons. Who you got? Both in their prime. [Dan Patrick]: I'll take five LeBrons. LeBron's going to be as accomplished. The fact he went to eight straight NBA finals.

Michael Jordan could not survive in today's social media environment

Mike, Mike couldn't survive in today's social media. He wouldn't have done well with social media.

The Spurs got the worst part of the Kawhi Leonard trade

The Spurs probably got the worst part of this trade because DeMar DeRozan, okay, he's a nice player, but he's obviously not Kawhi, and you didn't get top draft picks, and you had to give up Danny Green, too.

Changing the rules to make football safer will eventually make it a different sport entirely

Larry Fedora is a little over the top. I understand his underlying premise that if you keep changing the rules year after year, eventually we're going to get to a point where you're basically just not playing football.

Gorillas are the best zoo animal because looking into their eyes is life-changing

Right off the bat, I'm going gorillas. Gorillas are great for so many reasons. Have you ever looked into a gorilla's eyes in the zoo when they make eye contact with you? It is a life-changing conversation. If you can get past the tears that are flowing out of them. It is a life-changing event.

Penguins are the most entertaining zoo animal because they trip and fall

My number two, definitely the most entertaining zoo animal, penguins. When penguins are running around, a penguin diving into the water is just pure joy.

I could have made a comeback as a right-handed pitcher because pitching is in my DNA

I can pitch because that's just something that's in the DNA, you know what I mean? Like loyalty, royalty, and pitching. ... Just throwing right-handed, that would be the achievement.

Unwritten rules are necessary to provide policing in baseball

For the most part, what I believe unwritten rules do are provide a sort of policing that players on the whole can either understand at the minimum, even if they're not on board with. They kind of have an idea of why this is happening. Why am I getting drilled right now?

Jimmy Garoppolo dating a porn star is like a pro-am for sex

Jimmy Garoppolo is so confident in his sex abilities, he's doing a pro-am right now. He's playing with a pro... Jordan reached the mountaintop in his chosen profession and then he chose to go try to compete against the best in another profession.

Mike Trout is the most boring athlete of all time

Mike Trout is the most boring athlete of all time. He's also the best baseball player currently. And Rob Manfred came out and said it's Mike Trout's fault because he's so boring.

If you got upset about Bryce Harper's dad 'cheating' during the Home Run Derby, you are a loser.

His dad cheated. And if you got upset about that, and I love Kyle Schwarber, you are the biggest loser in the world because it's the home run derby.

Baseball is officially back because it finally received the Colin Cowherd 'Manalytics' seal of approval.

Baseball is fully back because it finally got the Colin Cowherd seal of approval. You know his Manalytics, which we are actually unironically fans of... We actually believe in Manalytics.

French kissing animals is completely fucked up.

Slipping your dog some tongue, that's fucked up. That's an issue, yes.

Elon Musk is a total fraud.

I'm so here for Elon Musk, like, just having meltdown after meltdown because everyone realizes he's a fraud and, like, promising people to go to Mars. ... Elon Musk... Total fraud.

Pregaming a wedding is essential to making the day tolerable when dealing with annoying family members.

Sometimes you're pre-gaming just because you don't want to deal with, you know, annoying family members and whatnot. You got to have a couple beers, make the whole day tolerable.

Giancarlo Stanton and I would still be on the Marlins if Jose Fernandez hadn't passed away.

I'd still be there. Stanton would still be there. We'd all still be there this year if that [Jose Fernandez's passing] didn't happen. This would have been his last year before free agency so we would have been gearing up making a playoff push and we had a ton of talent on those teams.

If a rookie respects Joe West and doesn't complain about borderline calls, West will treat them well for their entire career.

Joe's one of those umpires where when you're a rookie and you're coming up in the league and you don't disrespect him... If he punches you out on a borderline pitch and you're a rookie and you turn back and you start yelling at him, that's a wrap for you for the rest of that day and probably for the next few years. ... Me and Joe have been on really good terms.

If you name your kid Blake, he is guaranteed to win at least one reality TV competition in his life.

If you name your kid Blake, you do so knowing for a fact that he will win at least one reality TV competition in his life.

The report that Kenneth Faried has a higher Q-rating than Mike Trout is a total load of shit.

I'm kind of thinking that the Q rating is a load of shit. Because there's no chance that this is actually true. [Trout's] recognition is the same as Kenneth Faried. ... Literally, they went on a list and they just picked [him].

If you wear a camo shooting sleeve while playing pickup basketball, you deserve to have the police called on you.

If you're wearing a camo shooting sleeve, you probably should have the cops called on you. ... That's also stolen valor. So that is a crime if you're wearing the camo shooting sleeve.

Jimmy Kimmel has his 'brain broken by 2018 politics' which prevents him from doing funny stunts

Jimmy Kimmel... He's so obsessed with politics and tweeting at all different politicians every day that he can't do these funny stunts. There's a hole in the punked world because Jimmy Kimmel has his brain broken by 2018 politics.

The Michael Jordan statue is the most iconic sports statue in the world

I'm going to MJ's statue, iconic statue. It's a logo that everyone, you know, it's basically the coolest logo in the world. That's the number one sports statue in the world in my mind.

Massive monuments are the best because they prove you 'really ran shit' while alive

I think the best monuments are the big, giant ones. That's how you know you really ran shit when you were alive. You've got a statue that's three or four times the size of you.

The St. Louis Gateway Arch is the worst monument in the world

I have my nominee for the worst. The Arch in St. Louis. Yes, that one sucks. Like, hey, let's just put like a big piece of metal on your front lawn. It looks like a leftover part from the air conditioner.

The Midwest does not need a 'gateway' monument

It's called, what, the Gateway to the Midwest? Does the Midwest really need a gateway? No. Nobody's out there, like, wondering, am I in the Midwest yet? If you're being served a pizza that has ketchup instead of tomato sauce, you know you're in the Midwest.

Hulk Hogan's reinstatement to the Hall of Fame represents a 'one-in, one-out' policy for racism

But now that Papa John got in trouble for saying the N-word... In America, we have like a one-in, one-out policy for racism. So Papa John's racist now, and because he's in the club, Hulk Hogan is now out of the racism club.

Manny Pacquiao's late-career fights are depressing and sad to watch

He's still fighting. So that's pretty sad. I didn't realize that he was fighting until like a day before. An aging boxer, watching them is one of the saddest things you can do. You know when it's done, and everyone knows, and then they always hang on for a couple extra years, and you're like, let's just try to remember the good times, because this is depressing the fuck out of all of us.

The hardest thing to do in football is to keep it simple

The hardest thing in football to do is to keep it simple, play simple and it possibly is one of the most effective things. So I actually kept it very simple today and created chances for my teammates.

Lionel Messi is the greatest soccer player of all time, better than Cristiano Ronaldo

Ronaldo versus Messi. Who's better? [Rooney:] Messi. Yeah, I think I've said it before, but they're both probably the best players ever to play the game. And I just think Messi is... In my eyes, the greatest ever.

Soccer is the greatest sport ever created

What's something that the casual fan doesn't understand about the sport? [Rooney:] For me, it's the greatest sport ever created.

Boltman's retirement is the 'official' end of the Chargers in San Diego

And it's like this is the official move of the Chargers to L.A. When Boltman retires and he's like, I'm done. I've been pushed too far. Boltman, these diehard fans that the organization just pushes them a little too far, and they have to announce their retirement.

Yadier Molina's career-high home run pace at age 35 is suspicious

Yadier Molina, 35 years old, on pace for the most home runs in his career. Very interesting. And the seams have been raised, so it's actually harder to hit home runs. Very interesting.

I want to start selling drugs in France because they have a culture of smoking and long lunches

I just want to start selling drugs in France. That's my idea. I think that there's a lot of money to be made. Like I said, they're all smokers over there. They take like five-hour lunches. So if you give... give them a little joint, they get hungry again. They're not going to go anywhere. They stay at the restaurant. Plus, in French, their word for 80 literally means 420. So I think they're sending a signal.

We need more 'dog art' because it appeals to both dumb and high-level brains

My drunk idea is... dog art. We need more dog art. Art with dogs in it. Everyone would buy that. It's the art that dumb brains can buy and high-level brains can buy, so I think we need to corner the market on dog art. Dogs doing everything. Let's take all the classic works of art and instead put dogs in them. Mona Lisa, but it's a German Shepherd.

The Challenge is the number one reality show of all time

My number one reality show of all time is The Challenge. I have seen pretty much every season. I watched it when I was young, I watch it now. It never gets old. TJ Lavin never gets old.

Cops is a top-tier reality show because of its unique hook and short format

My first one is going to be Cops. Cops is a classic. I also like the format of it. It's short, and it hooks you in. One thing they do when they play a marathon of Cops, right when the end credit of Bad Boys by Inner Circle is done, the start of Bad Boys by Inner Circle just hits immediately.

Jersey Shore revolutionized reality television and is a top-tier show

I'm going to go Jersey Shore, revolutionize the game. Revolutionize the game. It was a cultural phenomenon.

Flavor of Love and Laguna Beach are top-tier reality television shows

I'm going to go with Flavor of Love... and Laguna Beach. I was obsessed with Kristin Cavallari.

The Real World is the 'granddaddy' of reality shows and a top-tier pick

I'm going to go with Real World. So the granddaddy of them all, Real World was great. Especially shout out to the Hawaii season. I remember watching... it always has a special spot in my heart. I do think it is the Godfather show.

Survivor is the most popular and broadly watched reality show of all time

The most popular reality show of all time and one that every single person has ever watched, Survivor. I mean, it's hard to go against. I've watched seasons and been like, this show's awesome.

Cheaters with Joey Greco is one of the greatest reality shows ever

I'm going to go with Cheaters. With Joey Greco. Listen, Cheaters was a goat. Joey Greco got stabbed, breaking up a couple that was getting into a fight. The best was before he would go and catch the Cheaters, he would be hiding out, literally sometimes around a corner or behind a dumpster, and he'd be like, those are the Cheaters right there.

To Catch a Predator was one of the most entertaining shows of all time

My last one, I feel like I'm going to sound like a fucked up person for this, but To Catch a Predator was one of the most entertaining shows of all time. All time moment, the guy who spilled the margarita in the backyard... It's a fucked up show, but hard not to watch.

The US not making the 2018 World Cup was the best thing for soccer in America

The U.S. not making this World Cup is actually the best thing that has ever happened for soccer in America... with the U.S. removed, you watch this World Cup... and people got to enjoy soccer for soccer and not worry about, are we good enough? Is the U.S. up there with them? They just got to enjoy the game.