Takes

Don't ever wear a high school Letterman jacket in college

No Letterman jackets. Come on, guys. When you go to college, high school's over. Don't be that guy who shows up to college and talks about how fun their high school was. That guy's a loser.

Don't have any visitors from high school your first semester of college

Don't invite any of your high school friends to show up... they come, they get too drunk, they get in a fight with your college friends... Don't have any visitors for your entire first semester of college.

Ferrets are a gateway drug to snakes and snake owners are the worst people

Ferrets are a gateway drug to snakes, and people who own snakes are the worst people in the world. So you need to do something about that.

Everyone who attends a small liberal arts college secretly regrets not going to a big fun state school

I have yet to meet one person who went to a small school and didn't somewhat a little bit regret not going to a big fun state school. That's just a fact.

People who own rats, ferrets, snakes, or iguanas aren't right in the head

Rats, ferrets, snakes, iguanas, those people aren't right in the head. Steer clear.

Rugby is the best sport to lie about playing to pick up women

Clear answer, obvious rugby. Rugby does it. We pay money to each other and we buy equipment and beer. We have socials with other sports teams and we sing songs.