Takes

I am way better looking than Ed Sheeran

I'm way better looking than Ed Sheeran. A million percent... The dude can't even pee next to me.

Dating a man named Tristan, Tyler, or Travis is asking to get cheated on

This is what happens when you date a guy named Tristan. You're kind of asking for it. Double T. Tristan, Tyler, or Travis, if you date any one of those three, and Tyler can be a boy or a girl, you're asking to get cheated on. Trev and Trav are definitely guys who are just guys being dudes. And what do guys being dudes do? They get horny.

Deontay Foreman should become a Second Amendment activist to resolve his PR issues in Texas

This is a very on-brand thing in Texas, to have a gun. Everyone's got a gun in Texas. Just become a huge Second Amendment guy. Deontay Foreman should go into the Houston Chipotle with an AR-15 strapped over your shoulder. ... Then I'm sure you'll get all the NRA people just absolutely 100% having their back.

A guy named Bryce has never won a fight

Bryce is not a tough guy. Bruce Harper does not lose fights. A guy named Bruce I don't think has ever lost a fight. A guy named Bryce has never won a fight. That's sabermetrically how it works out.

Jameis Winston telling women to be silent and polite is hypocritical because he was told he had the right to remain silent

Well, it's a bit hypocritical that people are jumping down Winston's throat. When he was told that he had the right to remain silent, nobody said anything about it. But now he's telling women that, and I guess that's not fair.

The Mets should ban the media from reporting Matt Harvey's ERA

The Mets need to send out a release to all the press people saying, you're not allowed to cover our games. You're not getting a credential if you talk about what Matt Harvey's ERA is. So just put a moratorium on bad Matt Harvey talk.