Takes

Kyle Schwarber used steroids to recover from his ACL injury in six months

Kyle Schwarber... Been doing a little literature research... I was reading an interview with a doctor from April. He said there's very, very, very, very little chance he comes back. He would need a superhuman recovery to make it back for the World Series... Literature research says Kyle Schwarber's on steroids.

David Ortiz definitely used steroids in his final MLB season.

David Ortiz... obviously did steroids in his last year. It's not even a witch hunt, really. I'm rubber stamping it. Witch hunt confirmed. He hit .317. That's the third highest average he's ever had. Connect the dots, Hank. You can't get suspended for steroids if you retire.

Jim Furyk probably has a secret second family that he has been hiding for years.

I wouldn't be surprised if Jim Furyk has like a second family that pops up soon... You don't want to get that many people talking about you because you probably have an entire second family that you've had for like 10 years. You have a six and an eight year old with a totally different woman than your wife.

Bartolo Colon is back on steroids because he hit a long home run

My witch hunt is it's pretty obvious. Bartolo Colon is back on steroids after he jacked that dinger like that went to like the 12th row. That was no small dinger. That was like a legit shot.

LeBron James has been doing steroids since the day he was born

Steph Curry's hurt, Chris Paul's hurt, Blake Griffin's hurt, you know who's never missed the playoff game? LeBron James. But LeBron James has always been huge. ... Always has been doing steroids probably since the day he was born. I've never seen a more clear steroid case in my life than LeBron James.

Capitals goalie Braden Holtby is using Adderall to play well in the playoffs

I don't follow hockey that closely, but I know that there's always one good goalie in the playoffs. And whoever that guy is this year... I want to go [Braden] Holtby. [Braden] Holtby is using Adderall.

Jake Arrieta is 'juicing through his eyeballs'

I think Jake Arrieta is a classic case of juicing through his eyeballs. If you look at the facts on Jake Arrieta real quick, he wasn't very good early in his career and now he's super good. What do they all have in common [with A-Rod]? You guessed it: using a lot of steroids.

Colin Kaepernick used steroids because he's too skinny now

My [Witch Hunt] is Colin Kaepernick. If you've seen a picture of Colin Kaepernick, he looks like a tweaker. He's super skinny. He's got a fro, which means he was doing steroids, and now he's no longer doing steroids. So Colin Kaepernick was a steroid user.