Takes

An ugly win provides a bigger confidence boost than a pretty close win

An ugly win is actually worth more than a pretty close win. Because if you can win ugly, that's like a confidence boost. Like, okay, we didn't have our stuff [but we still won].

Eli Manning is no longer a good quarterback

Eli Manning is not a good quarterback anymore... That means he was a good quarterback, two Super Bowl rings, Hall of Famer, all that stuff. He's not a good quarterback anymore, and I can't stand the offensive line talk because, yes, the offensive line is bad, but Eli Manning is the king of pressures coming, just turtle, and not look downfield.

Jerry Jones traded for Amari Cooper because he was drinking Johnny Walker Blue

I do not understand how the Dallas Cowboys gave up a first-round pick for Amari Cooper... Jerry Jones... the reason is Johnny Walker Blue.

Marshawn Lynch is faking his injury because he doesn't want to play for Jon Gruden

Marshawn Lynch is out... He's out with an injured groin is the explanation they gave. I don't think that Marshawn Lynch is capable of having his groin injured... I think he doesn't like Jon Gruden. He doesn't want to play for Jon Gruden to do a car.

2018 is the 'Year of the Blake' because Griffin and Bortles are back

Cool Throne, I have Blake. Blake's. Plural. Both of our Blake's. Blake Griffin, 50 Burger... and Blake Bortles, named starter. So we're back. It's been a big year for Blakes.

NFL teams should always go for two when down eight in the fourth quarter

The nerds had the correct theory here that you go for two when you're down eight in the fourth quarter, because essentially you have to score another touchdown no matter what. If you hit the first two, you can win the game with an extra point. I'm smarter than I was in the past.

Cody Kessler is a terrible quarterback

Cody Kessler that guy stinks throwing the ball over the place fumbling he recovered his fumble but still interceptions I get it you gotta maybe sit down the boat [Bortles] for a minute it was uh the engine needs a little tune up but good news the next game for the Jaguars is in London and Blake Bortles owns London.

If Titanic 2 sinks, it would be the greatest moment ever

If the Titanic 2 could somehow sink, it would be the greatest moment ever... because you're an asshole for riding on the Titanic 2.

Hue Jackson is objectively a very bad football coach

From where I'm sitting, [Hue Jackson] is objectively a very bad football coach. Okay? And on top of that... He just blames everyone else when shit goes wrong.

The Patriots are very beatable without Rob Gronkowski

I thought that I think [the Patriots] are very beatable, though, without Gronk.

The Eagles are suffering a quintessential Super Bowl hangover

No, they are a quintessential Super Bowl hangover. Because every game, they're up 17-0. They're like, oh, we got this... but it's these games that they think they've won and they just lose them.

Justin Tucker is worth a second-round pick

Justin Tucker is the one kicker that I think would actually probably be worth a first-round pick... I'll give you a second.

Taysom Hill is better at everything Tim Tebow does

[Sean Payton] puts Taysom Hill out there, and Taysom Hill is like Tim Tebow – except he's better at everything Tim Tebow does. He's a better pump protector. He's a better passer. He's a better runner.

Mike Vrabel hates ties more than he hates losses

Mike Vrabel, I figured him out. He just hates ties. He thinks ties are worse than losses... and the Titans lost at the goal line going for two.

Urban Meyer can't get his team ready for inferior opponents

Urban Meyer's sad faces on the sideline because Ohio State lost a game that they should have won... people are saying, not me, people are saying, Urban Meyer, can he get his team ready for the inferior opponents? I don't know... but this is now becoming a trend for Urban Meyer.

Boban Marjanovic is not of this world

My who's back is Boban... His clips of him playing are, I mean, I remember people talking about him last year, but this year it's like surreal. He's not of this world. It's like he's playing on a seven-foot hoop.

Antonio Brown is the best wide receiver since Randy Moss

Antonio Brown's the best receiver since Randy Moss. And Le'Veon Bell's the best running back in the game. And are they really never even going to get to a Super Bowl together?

The Eagles lack a grinder running back to finish games

It's clear in the fourth quarter that's what [the Eagles] miss with not having Jay Ajayi or LeGarrette Blount. That's going to be a bad thing, and I don't know what the fix is out there on the open market for them to get that guy who can just grind the defense when you need him to.

Philip Rivers is the most underrated quarterback of our time

Phil Rivers is probably the most underrated quarterback of our time. He's for sure a Hall of Famer.

Joey Bosa is a better long-term defensive player than TJ Watt

I assume Bosa's going to come back healthy. I would definitely take Bosa [over TJ Watt for the rest of their careers].

David Price's postseason demons won't be fully exercised until he wins in the World Series

I'm not ready to declare the demons exercised. The demons are warmed up. They're jazzercising right now. To be fully exercised, it has to be in the World Series.

The Bryce Harper sweepstakes is over for the Red Sox because of their current outfield chemistry

So can we put the Dunn chain on the Red Sox in terms of being in the Bryce Harper sweepstakes next year? Ooh, you don't want to mess up with that chemistry of a team that went to the World Series.

The Bears are officially good if they can beat the Patriots

If the Bears can beat the Patriots, then they're officially good. It's going to be a big test.

The Jets did themselves a favor by missing out on Kirk Cousins

If you know anything about Kirk Cousins, you actually did yourself a favor by not getting him because you'd rather suck out loud than be kind of around average for four years.

Only 12 NFL owners actually care about winning championships

I think there are legitimately 12 teams in the National Football League that are legitimately concerned about winning a Super Bowl... I think there are certain owners that are just in there to build equity... and every now and then catch the lightning.

The Dallas Cowboys will never win a championship until Jerry Jones stops being the General Manager

I've always said they'll never win until [Jerry Jones] is ready to actually relinquish control. I mean, it's one thing to appoint a guy, you know, head coach or whatever. It's an entirely different thing to empower that guy.

Aaron Rodgers acts like Compound W by covering up the Packers' warts

When you've got a quarterback like that—I always just say this about Peyton Manning... he's like Compound W, just spreading himself all over warts. The issue you get into is that I think you get this self-confidence that we're pretty good... they think they're a lot better than they really are.

The NFL is tailoring the game to fantasy football fans by creating 'Points-a-Palooza'

We've created a generation of people who have watched football based on fantasy football... and the NFL is actually going, okay, you love fantasy football? Here it is. Here's fantasy football for you. People are digging it.

Case Keenum is missing wide-open targets because of bad footwork

He [Case Keenum] just hasn't been very good. He's missed a bunch of wide-open targets... part of it is your offensive line stinks, and so you speed up your footwork... and the ball just gets out of your hands. The timing of your footwork and the routes don't line up.

Bill Belichick cannot truly understand the pressure of a 3rd and 12 from your own goal line because he never played

Bill Belichick has no idea what – he's the greatest football coach we've ever been around... He has no idea the ass pucker you get third down and 12 from your own six-yard line right in the shadow of your own end zone... I've been there. He can't.

You can only play with a back fracture in hockey and football

The only sports that you can play with a small back fracture are hockey and football... Injured is when you have to have surgery that holds you out. You have to play injured [in the NFL]. And more importantly, you have to play well injured.

I will stop calling Kevin Durant a 'baby back bitch' if he signs with the New York Knicks

If he goes to the Knicks, I've got his baby back. We will take away the triple B if he goes to the Knicks. So here we go. Kevin Durant, when you put your pros and cons on a sheet this summer, Just put in the pro, pardon my take, will stop calling me a baby back bitch.

The G-League's $125k offer is a major threat to the NCAA

The G-League has come out and they have said that they are giving a $125,000 contract to players that could be eligible for the one and done and they want to skip college... This is trouble for the NCAA.

America is sick of Aaron Rodgers winning games in predictable, dramatic fashion

He will win a game late, and he will do it in dramatic fashion, and he will drop dimes and all that. I'm sick of it. I think America is sick of it, to be honest, if I'm just going to speak for America here.

Jason Witten was hired by ESPN solely to mend the relationship between the network and NFL owners

Jason Witten is in place to mend the ESPN-NFL relationship, which makes sense... they put him in there, and it doesn't really matter if he's bad for the audience. It just matters that the rest of the owners and Roger Goodell likes him.

The NFL referees are being bullied by the internet into not calling the game by the rules

The refs are getting bullied by the blogosphere and the twittersphere into not calling the game by the rules. I would have liked to see [Clay Matthews] get penalized for that [hit on C.J. Beathard].

American cheese on a breakfast taco is the best type of cheese

American cheese on a breakfast taco is the best type of cheese. We need to, here's what we need to do. We need to start eating more breakfast tacos in America.

Josh Allen's ligaments were too weak to support his rocket arm

His arm was too strong that his ligaments couldn't support all the muscle... the good news is he doesn't need Tommy John surgery.

Boston sports fans don't feel joy when they win; they just enjoy that everyone else feels bad

I'm convinced that Boston fans, they don't feel joy when they win... One, it's relief. And two, it's that they feel good that everybody else feels bad. You guys are desensitized to winning all the time... You like everybody else being a loser.

The NFL is effectively becoming seven-on-seven flag football

Tom Brady threw for over 500 yards and lost the Super Bowl... I loved the doomsday defense, the steel curtain... Those guys, they just shut you the fuck down... and it's just all gone. I mean, the fucking guy, Tyreek Hill... runs across the middle of the field... nobody's going to hit him.

The Wisconsin Badgers season is officially over

The Badger season's over. They're a fucking dumpster fire. I'm done... don't ever think about getting sucked back into this Wisconsin season. They're chicken shit cowards and don't deserve your time or money.

The 2018 Chicago Bears are not a Super Bowl team

I also, if the Bears had won that game and gone 4-1 and then played the Patriots next week and had been like, someone would have written the, could this be a Super Bowl preview, which is stupid because the Bears are not a Super Bowl team, whatever.

Jon Gruden is starting to realize he is in over his head as the Raiders head coach

Right now, Jon Gruden's entering the phase of this job where he is starting to realize, hey, I might be in a little bit over my head. This isn't actually the year 1998.

Nathan Peterman is the Matt Schaub of our generation

Yeah, he's the Matt Schaub of our generation. It's great. I mean, every game is just so much more exciting when Nathan Peterman gets involved because you know what's going to happen. It's just a matter of time.

The Jets might actually be good

The Jets might be good. 3-3. Todd Bowles, turn that squad around. Turn it around. Top 10. That's what he does. He's getting up there.

The Chiefs defense is so bad they can lose games even when scoring 40 points

The Chiefs' defense, though, if you score 40 points in the NFL and you lose, that's impressive. That's an impressive thing to do. Their defense is so, so bad.

Rob Gronkowski is the greatest tight end in the history of the game

Did you guys realize that Rob Gronkowski is actually the greatest tight end in the history of the game? Like, he actually is. It's kind of not even a debate.

I am still buying Scott Frost as a good coach for Nebraska

Their quarterback got injured. I don't know. For whatever reason, I'm still buying Scott Frost.

LeBron James is the new Steve Jobs

LeBron is the new Steve Jobs. From films and TV shows to educational institutions, A&R-ing via his IG... James is using his magnitude to invade industries and redirect the conversation.

The Giants should 'put Eli Manning down' like an old house cat

Eli Manning, he's more like an old house cat that just coughs up hairballs and shits himself all the time. Put it down. Put it down.