Takes

Barry Bonds is by far the best player to ever step foot in a batter's box

Barry Bonds is not even remotely close. Remotely close is the best player that ever stepped foot in a box. That guy, when the ball was an inch outside, he knew it... I watched a guy one day go one for one with four walks and swing the bat one time and it was a homer. That shit doesn't happen. I don't care. Steroids doesn't give you Superman eyes.

MLB locker rooms shouldn't allow bloggers or fanboys inside

They're letting a lot of people in the clubhouses that shouldn't be in the clubhouses... They're letting guys in there that have no fucking clue. Fanboys. I don't respect those guys until they give me the respect back.

Wade Davis is better than Aroldis Chapman if he can stay healthy

Wade Davis is better than Aroldis Chapman if he can stay healthy. And I know that's a big if... if he can stay healthy, he is probably the best closer in baseball.

Never fight someone with an outie belly button or someone who wrestled in high school

Never fight someone who, two rules in life, never fight someone who wrestled in high school, never fight someone with an outie belly button. Those are two rules I live by right there.

Kelly Olynyk's face makes people want to punch him the moment he steps on the court

He's the kind of guy that steps on the court and everybody wants to punch him from the get-go. You're looking for an excuse. When Kelly Olynyk is on the court with you, you're taking any excuse that you can get to just punch him in the face.

The Raptors are a joke of a franchise

The Raptors are a joke. I love our Canadian listeners, but the Raptors are a joke of a franchise. Can we just agree with that?

Utah Jazz coach Quin Snyder looks like he has cocaine oozing out of his pores.

Quinn Snyder sweating all the time and just cocaine oozing out of his pores. I don't know if he actually uses cocaine, but you have to admit he looks like he does. I'm a fan of that.

You shouldn't have a holiday to celebrate defeating the French army because everyone does it

Basically, Mexico beat France in a battle... Everyone beats France in battles. You shouldn't have a holiday to celebrate defeating the French army. That's a participation trophy that you're giving yourself.

Cinco de Mayo is just an excuse for Americans to drink beer

I don't even think they [Mexicans] know that Cinco de Mayo is a thing. It's kind of, I think, just a excuse for the rest of the world to drink. And that beer, it says beer companies were actually, once they started diving in... it kind of took off.

Tyronn Lue has Stockholm Syndrome and has absorbed LeBron James's mentality

It sounds to me like he [Tyronn Lue] has Stockholm Syndrome. Because this is something that LeBron James would say about himself. Like, leading this Cavs team is the hardest job... I think he's kind of absorbed his stars mentality a little bit.

Big Baller Brand shoes look like old guy catering shoes

They do look like old guy shoes. They've got that non-slip look to them like you might see in a crab restaurant. Actually, you know what? When you get a job as a caterer, they're like, everyone needs to wear shoes that look like this.

You need 100,000 followers and a blue checkmark to officially be an 'Instagram Model'

I'm going to say you need 100K... I think it used to be back in the day like 10K. These tea companies are wising up... 100K, I think that's when you can officially call yourself an Instagram model.

The best strategy for a college group project is to skip the meetings and volunteer to be the presenter.

This is why if you're ever in a group situation in college, just stop going to class. Then volunteer to be the presenter. Like, 'I'm really good in front of people, I'll do the heavy lifting and get in front of the class.' That's the most nerve-wracking part. Just get sporadic emails thrown into there so people know you're still working on the project, even if you have absolutely no value.

The 'Suck My Dick' catchphrase was a mistake and is officially retired from the show.

We're done with the suck my dick. We've decided that it was a really bad choice on our part. This is what's been happening recently is award-winning listeners have been coming up to me and be like, 'I want to say it, but I can't.' So just do that. Just go up to people and be like, 'I want to say it, but I can't.'

Isaiah Thomas might not be a great second-half player, but rather a terrible first-half player

I think what we're overlooking here when we talk about Isaiah's great second-half performances is he might be the worst NBA point guard in the first quarter... I'm not ready to say that [Isaiah Thomas] is a great second-half player. I think he might just be a really shitty first-half player.

The Capitals deserve an asterisk if they win the Stanley Cup this year

Capitals, do whatever you got to do, asterisks. Rest of the playoffs, asterisk... If they win the cup, I want an asterisk.

Marc-Andre Fleury is a 'snowflake'

Now, on the other hand, you have Marc-Andre Fleury. He's a snowflake. That's why they call him Fleury, because he's a big snowflake, and he got iced up.

Alex Smith has had a long career of being, for the most part, shitty

He had a long career, and for the most part, he was shitty. [Alex Smith's] byline. That's Alex Smith's byline.

Mint Juleps are overrated drinks that you only want half of

Mint julep is the ultimate drink where you get really excited about having them on Derby Day... then by the time you get halfway done, you're like, I'll just take a beer.

The Rockets are a fun team and have a chance to make the series interesting against the Spurs

I'm super high on the Rockets... once they [the Spurs] calm down sort of and sort of get back within themselves and play first basketball, it will be a more interesting series. I'm still high on the Rockets.

Trading Jimmy Butler would be 'categorically insane' for the Bulls

The idea of trading Jimmy Butler is so absolutely categorically insane.

The Matt Niskanen hit on Sidney Crosby was reactionary, not intentional

I think it was more of a reactionary thing from Niskanen, and Sid was kind of falling down as his stick got up... I just don't think that he's intentionally at all trying to get him in the face or the neck or the head.

Lane Kiffin is thinking too hard

Lane's thinking too hard. Let's just say that. He's thinking a little too hard.

Getting a cold is the worst thing on earth

Because getting a cold is the worst thing on earth. Because every time I get sick, I'm like, I'm never going to be healthy again. A little dramatic, I admit, but what happens if you actually don't ever get healthy again?

Losing by four goals in the playoffs is better than losing in a heartbreaker

I would rather we lose the game by four goals than lose the game in a heartbreak or an overtime. That's demoralizing. Because now it's like you're a little bit embarrassed. You've got that chip on your shoulder in game three.

The Clippers must blow up their current core

Can we just be done with the Clippers as they currently are constructed? I don't know how they're going to blame it on Blake Griffin, but I'm sure they will. Doc Rivers, just stop. Just get out of here. Don't coach anymore. Chris Paul, go find another team.

The Celtics are one LeBron James injury away from making the NBA Finals

[The Celtics] are like one big Cavaliers injury away from maybe making it to the show... By one big Cavaliers, [I] mean LeBron James. If LeBron James [gets hurt], then yeah, I think the Celtics have a pretty good shot.

I'm not convinced Doc Rivers is actually a good NBA coach

Doc Rivers also is one of those coaches that... are we sure he's a good coach? I'm not sure. He won with some really good talent, but he also has lost with some really good talent a lot. So are we sure he's good? Very, very wonky career for Doc Rivers as a coach.

The first few years after college are more fun than college itself

I think the first three or four years after you graduate can be more fun than college. Because you actually have money in your pocket. You have money in your pocket. You make real life friends. It's not just like, whoever was living on my hallway.

Kansas City has the best barbecue in the country

Kansas City, best barbecue in the country? I think so.

Clubhouse character and camaraderie are essential for winning in MLB

All of a sudden, [Dayton Moore] brought this culture in, and he wanted guys that came up through the minor leagues together... all of a sudden, character became very, very important. And I really believe that's one of the reasons that a team... all of a sudden, we go to the playoffs... next year, win the World Series. And so that's when I became a firm believer that character does play a role, the camaraderie in the locker room.

I would not have survived playing in the Major Leagues during the cell phone era

Do you think you would have been able to survive with the cell phone era? No... Well, back in the day, you had to take a picture... and then develop it and then mail it to somebody... I got married at 39. So you were single for your entire career, basically. Right.

I would have hit 40 home runs in today's era with modern training

Do you think if you played right now and you had they had all the technology and how these guys train relentlessly... do you think you would have hit more home runs? Yeah. [Big Cat: 30 was your highest year... you'd say like mid-30s to 40 guy?] Oh, you know, I think it depends on what park you play in, too... Home run might have gone up.

Roger Goodell is embracing the heel role and is an ultimate villain

I really do think Roger Goodell has passed a certain point where he is starting to embrace the heel. [Big Cat: He wiped a booger on a handicapped child] that's super villain stuff that is the ultimate villain not because he embraced not because he was like oh i'm the super villain... he's just evil.

Noah Syndergaard needs to leave the Mets because their medical staff is terrible

Noah [Syndergaard]... maybe go to a different team because it seems like the Mets doctors probably aren't the best... Any name with silent letters in it. Weak. I don't trust it.

Dwight Howard is incapable of self-reflection and will never realize he's the problem

Dwight Howard unhappy with the situation. [PFT: It sounds like he's just depressed.] Dwight Howard causing a problem on his team... At what point do you think he looks in the mirror and is like, hey, maybe it's me? No, he doesn't do that. No, it's never going to happen.

Gareon Conley is better off in Las Vegas than Cleveland

Do you think that [Gareon] Conley's going to be better off getting away from Cleveland where there's all these nightlife and temptations and all that and going to a low-key place like Las Vegas? I think that'll keep him in line... The desert heat might dry you out. Stay out of trouble.

I would come out of retirement to play for the Browns for $15-18 million

If Cleveland offered you, let's just say $15 million a year, are you coming back? Absolutely... 15 to 18 a year. I'll be back.

I am a better two-sport athlete than Greg Paulus

[Who's a better two-sport Syracuse athlete, you or Greg Paulus?] That would definitely be me. But I will say this about Greg Paulus. Greg Paulus was an All-American in football, All-American in basketball. Chose to play basketball at Duke... I won't say he's better than me, but he played.

Terrell Owens' locker room issues were his own fault

If it happens once, then it's kind of overblown. If it happens twice, let's kind of see what's going on. If it happens more than three times, then sometimes it's maybe not anyone else. It may be you... [His antics] wasn't such a problem until it hit the media. Then now he has to defend himself in the media.

Myles Garrett is a 'safe' but questionable number one overall pick due to low sack totals

There are a lot of questions about Myles Garrett, because you look at his sack total and it's very low... As a number one pick, that's rare. If you're coming in as a number one pick and you only have eight sacks... Is he a safe pick? He's a safe pick. But for the Cleveland Browns, if I'm the Cleveland Browns, I'm going to get Jay Cutler.

The Chiefs trading up for Patrick Mahomes was the worst pick in the draft

The worst pick, I think, in the draft was Mahomes at 10 and the Chiefs trading up 17 picks to get him? Do you think they did that because they're like, yo, Ryan Pace is going to get a lot of heat? Now's our time to just go under the radar and just, who cares? No one's going to talk about us.

If Rajon Rondo is the linchpin of the Bulls season, that is a big problem

I even hate even more is people saying, oh, well, if Rondo was still in this series, the Bulls win. Yeah, probably right. But if Rajon Rondo is like the linchpin for your whole fucking season, that's a big fucking problem.

Backing the NFL Draft up an extra month was the smartest thing Roger Goodell ever did

The smartest thing Roger Goodell ever did was backing the draft up another month. That way you get so many more mock drafts and you get so many more takes in. And yes, you're right. The anticipation. I've been walking around with an erection for the last two weeks.

Russell Westbrook distrusts his teammates more than any player I've ever seen

I don't think I've ever seen—and don't tell him I said this because he'll get very upset at me—I don't think I've ever seen one player distrust his teammates more than Russell Westbrook. Unbelievable season, but he really was like, these guys fucking suck, and I need to make sure they never get the ball.

I am officially off the James Harden train because of his playing style and Kinesio tape

I just want to say I am officially off the James Harden train. I can't stand that guy. It's the kinesio tape. It's also how he wears his shorts. And it's the thing that he does where he's coming off a screen and he acts like he was shooting the ball at half court the whole time.

The Bulls' failure to adjust against the Celtics is embarrassing and lazy coaching

Wade said Bulls didn't make adjustments between game three and four because they just played low energy and didn't need a new game plan. They then lost game four. So Fred Hoiberg just like, yeah, you know what, guys? Low energy, I'm not going to coach. ... Fuck that.

The NBA first round this year has been far superior to the NHL first round

The NBA first round this year has been far superior to the NHL first round. I know there's been a lot of overtime games, but like you said, there's no Game 7s. And the NBA feels like... last year was really bad. This year, there have been some really compelling stories, and we have a lot of fights going on.

Tim Duncan is the least charismatic superstar in the history of sports

The Spurs built this entire dynasty on the least charismatic superstar of all time in Tim Duncan. And then Tim Duncan had a baby and basically told the baby, don't ever speak or show any emotion.

A sports dynasty requires at least three championships in one era

The rule I said, I threw out there was you have to have at least three championships in your Dynasty era. Two, that's a really good team. Three, you can now claim Dynasty.