Takes

No elite head coach will want to take the Lakers job

No really good coach is going to want to go there [Lakers], though. Jason Kidd's like the top of the list that you can get. And he's not good.

LeBron James will fake a season-ending injury if the Lakers miss the playoffs

As soon as it becomes like this is a realistic thing [missing the playoffs], [LeBron James] will definitely be like, oh, my hamstring hurts because too much sheesh. My groin. His groin issue. All the sheesh has added weight to my groin.

The Cavaliers will be the best team in the East by May

Replay that for us in, like, May when the Cavaliers are by far and away the best team in the East.

LeBron James is going to leave Cleveland a second time

Well, I also saw on SportsCenter today people were saying they were using the phrase like this was almost as bad as LeBron the first time he left Cleveland... So would that imply there's a second time? Huh. Huh. We're just connecting the dots, people.

I will be sad when LeBron James finally signs with the Lakers and the free agency update segment ends

And that was our LeBron James free agency update. I'm going to be really sad when it's over, when he finally signs with the Lakers and we have to stop doing it. It's going to suck.

LeBron James will sign his 2016 contract before another Hillary Clinton email is leaked

LeBron James will sign before another [Hillary Clinton] email gets released. [Obama] is gonna fire a nuke up a horse's butt so that Putin can't leak any more of Clinton's emails.