Takes

USC is in California; South Carolina should stop calling themselves USC

I can't stand when South Carolina people refer to themselves as USC. That's the worst. You're not USC. USC is in California. I'm sorry. It's just the truth.

Jerry Jones doesn't care about his public image or internet leaks

I don't think Jerry Jones cares, and I actually don't think Jerry Jones needs to care how the internet works because you couldn't make me think any less about Jerry Jones than I do right now. If a tape came out tomorrow of him just stabbing a child, I'd be like, yeah, the child probably owed him money and reneged on a season ticket contract. He's more like Liam Neeson in Taken, except his particular set of skills is leveraging public debt.

Kyrie Irving telling a fan to 'suck my dick' was worth the $25,000 fine

Kyrie got fined 25,000 that's not that much totally worth it to say suck my dick to fan yes absolutely yeah... Saying suck my dick in Philly is like the nicest thing you can do. That's the Philadelphia hello.

The viral photo of a man humping a shark was just 'guys being guys'

It was either him or me situation. For Jim McElwain or his doppelganger on that boat. It's like I either had to fuck that shark. Or the shark was going to die, so it died, so I fucked it... [it's] guys being guys.

There is a very fine line between football leadership and pedophilia

There's a very fine line between football leadership and pedophilia... you want a coach who could pull out his penis at any given time, but actually doesn't pull out his penis at any given time. But you want that edge.

True locker room talk is just men wondering why the old guy won't put on a towel

The real, if people want to know what real locker room talk is around America, locker room talk is basically just an inner monologue saying, why is that old guy not put a towel around his body? Like, why do I got to look at that old guy's dick?