Takes

USC is in California; South Carolina should stop calling themselves USC

I can't stand when South Carolina people refer to themselves as USC. That's the worst. You're not USC. USC is in California. I'm sorry. It's just the truth.

The NBA should allow players to fight one fan per year

Russell Westbrook is the perfect case for... we need to have players be able to fight a fan once a year. I like the idea of having players that just hate certain cities.

I'll eat a cow dick if the Raiders make the playoffs

We'll eat a cow dick if the Raiders make the playoffs. Spread that mayo all over it. Yeah, we'll eat a cow dick if the Raiders make the playoffs.

Watching porn is like spending time in the film room for baseball players

If I'm a baseball team, I would probably think about going the other way... When you're having sex... what do they tell you to think about? Think about baseball. So actually, the more porn you watch, it's like putting in more time in the film room thinking about baseball.

Jerry Jones doesn't care about his public image or internet leaks

I don't think Jerry Jones cares, and I actually don't think Jerry Jones needs to care how the internet works because you couldn't make me think any less about Jerry Jones than I do right now. If a tape came out tomorrow of him just stabbing a child, I'd be like, yeah, the child probably owed him money and reneged on a season ticket contract. He's more like Liam Neeson in Taken, except his particular set of skills is leveraging public debt.

Jerry Jones will die without the Dallas Cowboys winning another Super Bowl

The Cowboys stink, by the way... Jerry Jones, I think Jerry Jones is slowly realizing he's going to die without another Super Bowl for the Cowboys.

It is safer to be shot without a shirt on to avoid getting clothing fibers in the wound

I think it [a bullet] would pass through you cleaner. Because if you're wearing a shirt, you get the shirt fibers inside your body.

Kyrie Irving telling a fan to 'suck my dick' was worth the $25,000 fine

Kyrie got fined 25,000 that's not that much totally worth it to say suck my dick to fan yes absolutely yeah... Saying suck my dick in Philly is like the nicest thing you can do. That's the Philadelphia hello.

Going through a divorce while your wife is pregnant is a baller move

Congratulations, I will pray for our son. Going through a divorce while your wife is pregnant is a baller move.

The viral photo of a man humping a shark was just 'guys being guys'

It was either him or me situation. For Jim McElwain or his doppelganger on that boat. It's like I either had to fuck that shark. Or the shark was going to die, so it died, so I fucked it... [it's] guys being guys.

The NFL is to blame for security guards masturbating because they put hot cheerleaders on the sidelines

Why do they put the cheerleaders at NFL games if we're not allowed to masturbate to them in the stadium?... It is the NFL's fault because they kind of asked for it. You don't put hot women on the sidelines and expect us not to masturbate. A bunch of alpha males just walking around.

The Rangers' hazing incident where a teammate was 'jerked off' is just standard locker room talk

I know that a lot of people are like, wow, that's horrific, but guess what? That's locker room talk. That's guys just jerking each other off. What else are you supposed to do? How am I supposed to know that you have my back when we're playing a baseball game if I've never jerked you off?

True locker room talk is just men wondering why the old guy won't put on a towel

The real, if people want to know what real locker room talk is around America, locker room talk is basically just an inner monologue saying, why is that old guy not put a towel around his body? Like, why do I got to look at that old guy's dick?