PMT DB
PMT DB
Billy Football Returns, Shitty QB Matchups, and the JFK Files
The vibes are high because Big Cat and PFT Commenter finally reunited with their beautiful, 18-year-old puppy dog of an intern, Billy Football. After a week of chaos involving a very short-lived television show, the guys took a therapeutic road trip to a dorm room somewhere in New England to check in on our favorite college student and get their minds right for the weekend.
The Super Bowl of Shit
Thursday Night Football featured a matchup of Joe Flacco and Matt Moore that eventually devolved into Ryan Mallett vs. Matt Moore. It was the perfect catalyst for a trip down memory lane regarding the most putrid quarterback matchups to ever grace our television screens. Big Cat reminisced about the Jonathan Quinn era in Chicago, while PFT Commenter brought up the dark days of the Washington R-Words.
Big CatJonathan Quinn is the worst quarterback to ever play more than one game in the NFL
Jonathan Quinn might be the worst quarterback to ever play more than one game in the NFL.
They didn't stop there, rattling off classics like Tyler Palko vs. Caleb Hanie and the recent playoff masterpiece that was Connor Cook vs. Brock Osweiler. Big Cat even suggested that the early winning years for the Steelers weren't exactly a masterclass in quarterbacking.
Big CatAntwaan Randle El was a better quarterback than Ben Roethlisberger during the Steelers' first Super Bowl run
Ben Roethlisberger, people forget Ben Roethlisberger, his first couple years, he was really bad. They would basically be like, if we just run the ball enough, maybe he won't fuck it up. That Super Bowl he won, the first one. Honestly, Antwaan Randle El was a better quarterback.
As for the Joe Flacco injury that sparked the Moore/Mallett era, Big Cat and PFT Commenter were divided on the fallout of the Kiko Alonso hit. While the hit was ugly, PFT found a silver lining in the cinematic quality of the resulting carnage.
PFT CommenterCrying blood or bleeding from the ear makes a football player look more badass
His ear, having a bloody ear is just a badass look. There are certain orifices that when you bleed out of them, you look like you're Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator... If you cry blood, that's one. If you have blood coming out of your ear, that's another.
Big CatKiko Alonso should be suspended and punished severely for his hit on Joe Flacco
Kiko Alonso, should he be suspended forever? He should be covered in birdseed and strapped to the top of a mountain. [Joe Flacco's] hair looked pretty fucking sweet when his helmet popped off... but [Alonso's hit] was [awful].
The Return of Billy Football
The guys visited Billy in his natural habitat—a cramped dorm room with no TV and questionable acoustics. Billy had some major news to break: he has officially transitioned from a quarterback to a wide receiver. It was a moment of growth and acceptance in the dorm room as Billy explained that his body simply "craved contact" and that he’s learning to use his hands for things other than holding a football.
PFT CommenterHigh school football coaching in America fails to prepare quarterbacks for the college spread offense
what we're seeing at the college level is all these high school kids are running like fancy, like pro-style offenses where they just hand the ball off and they play under center too much and they're not preparing kids enough for the college game to play in the spread offense.
Despite the position change, Billy is still the same guy we love, dropping bits of higher education knowledge that only a college freshman can provide. He managed to weave together theories about koala health, extraterrestrial viruses, and the dietary habits of NFL quarterbacks.
Billy FootballKoalas mostly have chlamydia and can transmit it through their urine
You know that koalas have chlamydia? Most of them have chlamydia, and if they pee on you, they'll give you chlamydia.
Billy FootballViruses might actually be aliens from a meteorite
Viruses might be aliens. They might have crashed on a meteorite. No, you know why? Because viruses don't have all the facts of life. Like, life needs to reproduce. Viruses replicate. They replicate, but not like other cells. So, it would make sense that they evolved on a different planet.
Billy FootballColin Kaepernick and Arian Foster struggle because they are vegans
Kaepernick is a vegan, how can you, like, look at all the vegans, look at Arian Foster. He's out of the NFL now because he's a vegan. [Arian Foster's hamstring fell off] because he's a vegan.
Fantasy Fuckbois and Picks
Fantasy Fuckbois returned with the usual energy. Anthony Amaretto is all-in on cheerleader costumes for Halloween, while Frankie Roe Speed is making the smart play with the Cardinals' backup situation.
PFT CommenterStart Drew Stanton on his bye week to guarantee a zero rather than negative points
My stardom of the week: Drew Stanton. The Cardinals are on a bye. But Drew Stanton, if he starts, he's getting negative points. So you start him on the bye and you get that zero. Bruce Arians is going to turn this team around.
Hank, meanwhile, is sticking to the red-hot Eagles and offering some lifestyle advice regarding personal hygiene and relaxation methods.
HankNelson Agholor is a 'start' this week because the Eagles are on fire
My stardom, Nelson Agholor. The Eagles are on fire and up against a weak pass team for the 49ers.
Looking ahead to the actual games, Big Cat is smelling a rat in Buffalo but refuses to walk away from the cheese. PFT is looking at the Patriots' matchup with the Chargers as a potential let-down spot for the defending champs.
Big CatThe Bills are a max bet -2.5 against the Raiders
Bills minus two and a half against the Raiders. How does that make sense? In Buffalo, the Raiders have to go all the way to, and the Bills are coming off a bye... I'm taking the Bills, max bet.
PFT CommenterThe Chargers' game against New England is a trap game for the Patriots
I'm going with the Chargers... on the road against New England. This is a trap game for New England. I don't really know what trap game means, but when you say it's a trap game, you sound smart.
Explain It To Hank: Money, Aliens, and Asparagus
The show wrapped up with a very dense edition of Explain It To Hank. The guys attempted to tackle the complexities of the Federal Reserve and fiat currency, which naturally led to PFT explaining the reptilian influence on our wallets.
PFT CommenterThe Illuminati and reptilians use money to hypnotize and control the American mind
The Illuminati slash reptilians run the Federal Reserve... they hypnotize everybody in America using money. So if you have money in your pocket, it's actually a tool of hypnosis. And they control that money and they make it hypnotize you.
Hank also questioned the biological purpose of fingernails and why alcohol seems to change his cognitive abilities, leading to a very sound scientific explanation from PFT regarding the "buffalo herd" of the mind.
PFT CommenterDrinking alcohol makes you smarter by killing your weakest brain cells first
when you drink enough, it actually kills brain cells. That's a fact... If you kill brain cells, it's targeting the smaller, weaker brain cells first. Like a buffalo herd, and if you get rid of the weak ones, then it makes your brain function more efficiently.
We also got some clarity on why green vegetables are a threat to our social lives and a final, mind-blowing revelation about the first man to walk on the moon.
Big CatAsparagus is poison and green vegetables are generally bad for you
Asparagus is poison. Green vegetables are poison... It's the worst vegetable. Like asparagus is disgusting. And then you eat it and your body's like, yo, dude, just a reminder what you just ate. That was really disgusting. Here's some disgusting piss.
HankNeil Armstrong spelled backwards is 'Alien'
Neil Armstrong. First person walking the moon, right?... Neil A. Spelled backwards. Alien.
It turns out the real treasure was the anchovies Darren Rovell put on his pizza along the way.
