Takes

Anthony Weiner being alive proves the Clintons didn't murder anyone

Anytime Anthony Weiner's Weiner pops up, which it does several times a year, that is all the proof that you need [that the Clintons didn't murder people]. Although I would really like to see Hillary Clinton try to kill somebody.

The new NFL helmet tackling rule is going to kill football

The new helmet rule, the tackling helmet rule, is going to kill football. It's essentially every single hit in the NFL you can be like, is there going to be a flag? There should be a flag every single tackle. So we're kind of screwed.

DNA is just the human body's way of cloning itself

It's [DNA] a human body's way of just cloning itself. [On genes being passed down]

A child's athleticism depends on how 'athletic' the sex was at conception

I think it has more to do with how athletic the sex was when you actually were conceived. So if you're in a weird position, if you got like a leg up on a table, you're both sweating a lot, then you're going to have a really, really fast baby.

Kirk Cousins is not a franchise quarterback because he grills steaks in aluminum foil boats

He was grilling steaks on his grill, outdoor grill, with aluminum foil boats. That right there, red flag. Not a franchise quarterback. What the fuck are you doing, dude? ... It sounds like maybe he's got a dirty grill. Just scrape that shit up, Kurt.

The Illuminati and reptilians use money to hypnotize and control the American mind

The Illuminati slash reptilians run the Federal Reserve... they hypnotize everybody in America using money. So if you have money in your pocket, it's actually a tool of hypnosis. And they control that money and they make it hypnotize you.

Drinking alcohol makes you smarter by killing your weakest brain cells first

when you drink enough, it actually kills brain cells. That's a fact... If you kill brain cells, it's targeting the smaller, weaker brain cells first. Like a buffalo herd, and if you get rid of the weak ones, then it makes your brain function more efficiently.

Asparagus is poison and green vegetables are generally bad for you

Asparagus is poison. Green vegetables are poison... It's the worst vegetable. Like asparagus is disgusting. And then you eat it and your body's like, yo, dude, just a reminder what you just ate. That was really disgusting. Here's some disgusting piss.

Neil Armstrong spelled backwards is 'Alien'

Neil Armstrong. First person walking the moon, right?... Neil A. Spelled backwards. Alien.

Clout is a drug that is cocaine-like but not addictive and has no hangover

Clout is like a drug that you only do when you're in Hollywood. You do clout, and you have the greatest party of all time... Clout is like, it's cocaine, but it's cleaner, and it's not addictive. It's not addictive, non-bad for you. No hangover.

Mormon soaking is a real practice where couples stay still to avoid technically having sex

The soak is you're not allowed to have sex before you get married... You are allowed to soak. What does that mean? You just put it in. Don't move. Just lay there. You soak it. Just put it in... with no friction.

Playmakers is the greatest television show of any generation

It was basically ballers before ballers, but it was like rated R ballers. And it was like every stereotype about the NFL just on steroids... We're watching Playmakers from start to finish. Fuck ballers. That's JV shit. We're watching Playmakers from start to finish.

Telescopes are just an optical illusion and don't actually get you closer

So if you reflect things enough, eventually they get really close. ... It actually gets you closer because that's the only thing that you can see. So it's an optical illusion. So you think that you're closer because it's all that your eye has in its vision.

Men should not show their knees in an office setting

I actually stand with that rule because I've long said that shorts are gross. Men should not show their knees. That's fucked up. That's unbecoming.

NASA is firing a rocket into the sun to distract the public from the search for aliens

NASA's come out. They're shooting a rocket into the sun. I don't really understand what's going on... NASA's trying to keep us off the aliens. That's pretty clear because if you're sitting in NASA... Find the aliens or fire a Roman candle into the sun, which we know already is really hot.

There is no point to checking out of a hotel; it's a vestige of the past

Explain to me what the reason of checking out of a hotel is... Today I walked down the lobby and there was a line all the way out the door of people waiting to check out. What is the point? They're nerds... Clocks are a vestige of the past. I tell my own time.

Wi-Fi signals should be stronger on planes because you're closer to space

Wi-Fi come from signals in space, right? Yes. So how come if you're in the plane, shouldn't the signal be stronger in the air? I agree. Yeah, no, that's a good point.

You should tip the maid $5 if you stay at a hotel for more than one night

If you stay at a hotel for more than one night, you leave five bucks for the maid. ... Just dump [change] in and it will all even out. If you go to a bar, your first tip is always $2. ... And if you're at a wedding... you hand the guy a $20 bill to start the night.

The physics of how planes stay in the air don't actually make sense

I don't understand the physics of planes staying in the air. ... I mean, you're going 30,000 feet in the air and you're just trusting that a plane is just going to coast.

I'm just not going to pay my taxes

Probably just not going to do them. [Taxes].