Comedians Cody Ko and Noel Miller, Mt Rushmore of YouTube Videos and Jimbos

The compact SUV market is a total fraud

The compact SUV world is such a fraud city... it's just a car. And then you actually don't have as much trunk room as you would in a normal car. You put a dog in it, and it's already crowded.

The UFC should get rid of Greg Hardy

[Greg Hardy] fucking sucks. Bro, I don't know why they give him a... It would be nice to just have him get his ass kicked, right? Cave the skull in. Why does Dana give him a chance? Get him out of there.

Short men should uniformly disavow Bagel Boss

We have to uniformly, all us real Short Kings, disavow Bagel Boss, man. He's also declared himself to be the MLK of short people. I don't know if you saw that.

Jake Gyllenhaal's acting in military movies is stolen valor

Fuck Jake Gyllenhaal. I've heard he's kind of a dick. Like, the whole method acting thing, it's like, dude, chill out. You weren't actually in the military. It's stolen valor, basically, what he does to just try to play badass characters all the time.

ESPN is ruining the UFC's broadcasting model

Fuck ESPN for what they're doing to the UFC. That's a dumb, stupid fucking model. Makes no sense where the fuck you put the fights. I can't buy it or you can't buy it and it's on Sling, but then you go to Sling and it played three hours earlier.

Anthony Weiner being alive proves the Clintons didn't murder anyone

Anytime Anthony Weiner's Weiner pops up, which it does several times a year, that is all the proof that you need [that the Clintons didn't murder people]. Although I would really like to see Hillary Clinton try to kill somebody.

Selling beer in Death Valley will make the crowd even louder

Take every LSU home game. Not that you wouldn't anyway, but the crowd is going to be very loud... Finally, finally, NCAA stadiums like this is ridiculous. It took this long. I'm like, hey, maybe we should sell beer at the fucking football game.

House train a dog by feeding it roast beef while it pees

Get like roast beef or some kind of really good meat from the deli and just give your dog a little piece every time they go to the bathroom outside while they're going to the bathroom. That's how I got [Stella] house trained. She would literally be peeing, eating roast beef out of my hand.

Kawhi Leonard and Steve Ballmer are a match made in heaven

The Kawhi Leonard robot mixed with Steve Ballmer's over-the-top insane, insane energy is a match made in heaven.

Adam Silver is on a war against toxic masculinity

[Steve Ballmer] will just cry. And guess what? Adam Silver, you can't fine a man for crying. As a matter of fact, that's the last thing Adam Silver would ever do because he is on a full war against toxic masculinity.