PMT DB
PMT DB
Jake Olson and Mr. Portnoy on USC Football, HP Printers, and Sink Pissing
Big Cat and PFT Commenter are coming at you from the future-past in a time-traveling episode that features Big Cat's debut at Wrigley Field for the seventh-inning stretch. While the guys are navigating the logistics of singing in front of thousands of Cubs fans, they haven't forgotten that it's Week 2 of the NFL season. That means the return of the greatest tradition in sports: Color Rush Thursday. To celebrate, Wheeler Walker Jr. helped debut the new anthem for the Bengals-Texans matchup, a game that usually feels like an early January wild card snoozefest but looks like a neon fever dream.
Color Rush and Week 2 Picks
Predictions for the Thursday night clash were bold, specifically regarding how Bill O'Brien manages his revolving door of quarterbacks and how the Texans will utilize their best athlete.
PFT CommenterBill O'Brien should be known as the 'QB Yeller' rather than the 'QB Whisperer.'
Bill O'Brien we have officially taken away his QB whisperer name. He is no longer the QB... how did he get that title? He was the QB yeller because he screamed at Tom Brady that one time and everyone was like 'wow this guy's not afraid to stand up to Tom Brady so he must be a good coach.'
Big CatJ.J. Watt will catch at least two touchdowns against the Bengals
My prediction is J.J. Watt scores two touchdowns because the Texans have three tight ends that all have concussions. So J.J. Watt's going to catch some balls tonight.
When it came to the actual locks of the week, the stakes were high. The loser of the season-long picking contest has to wear a suit for the entire month of January, a punishment PFT Commenter is desperate to avoid after his previous jumpsuit debacle. The picks are in, and Big Cat is riding with his hometown squad in a classic narrative spot.
PFT CommenterThe Saints will cover the spread (+7) against the Patriots
I have the New Orleans Saints covering at plus seven against the New England Patriots. That's a lot of points to give up at home in the Bayou.
Big CatThe Bears will cover the spread (+7) against the Buccaneers in the Mike Glennon revenge game
My pick is the Chicago Bears, plus seven. The Mike Glennon revenge game. He's going to Tampa Bay. How can you not?
USC's Jake Olson is a Football Guy
USC long snapper Jake Olson joined the show to discuss his incredible journey as the first blind Division 1 football player. Jake shared the story of meeting Pete Carroll at age 12 and how he eventually earned his way onto the Trojans' roster through pure grit and 50 pounds of muscle. He also addressed the important stuff, like his elite California surfer hair and his bench press numbers. While he's dominating on the football field now, Jake has his sights set on another sport once his gridiron days are over.
Jake OlsonI want to win championships on the blind PGA Tour
I want to see how far I can go with playing golf, and I definitely want to try to continue to pursue that goal. And I want to—there's a blind, actually, like sort of a blind PGA, so I want to go win some championships on that.
Big CatUSC football is officially back.
USC is back. Is USC back? USC is back. [Jake Olson]: USC is back.
Mr. Portnoy Esquire Drops the Hammer
The people's lawyer, Mr. Portnoy, returned to the program to provide legal counsel on the guys' latest venture: issuing stock in Larry the Goldfish. While Mr. Portnoy was skeptical of the "loosey-goosey" nature of the Fish Corporation, he spent most of the interview airing a legendary list of grievances. From the post office sending him singed mail to a "vile" tech giant failing to honor his printer warranty, no corporation was safe from his wrath.
Mr. PortnoyHewlett-Packard is a 'vile' company
The post office, I think the post office, unfortunately, you're just fighting. The stupidity of it is incredible ... Hewlett-Packard, on the other hand, is a vile company.
Mr. PortnoyMeUndies needs to add an 'escape hatch' for older men to avoid the 'drip factor'
I have raised a legitimate question here. How can you not have an escape hatch for the undies? ... At my age, there was what we call a drip factor. ... You can't get Mr. Johnson out without pulling him down.
Mr. PortnoyThe extreme warnings on prescription drug commercials are a ridiculous example of government overreach.
You see these drug companies... Ninety percent of the ads are drug companies. The warnings... if anybody would take one of these pills, after listening to the warnings for these things, things like, you may go insane if you take these pills... it occurs to me that what that is, is really... such an example of the government run amok. The reason they have to do this is because the government is requiring [them].
He didn't stop at tech and textiles. Mr. Portnoy also took aim at the pharmaceutical industry, specifically the terrifying side effects listed in commercials that suggest you might go insane just to fix a minor ailment. PFT Commenter offered a marketing pivot for other industries based on that logic.
PFT CommenterCondom manufacturers should put porn on the packaging as a warning of what might happen if they are used correctly.
They should just put porn on condoms. If you buy this, chances are you might be careful. You might end up having great sex. Right.
Office Ethics and Explaining it to Hank
The episode took a turn into the truly depraved when it was revealed that Big Cat had been "pee-shamed" in the office. After finding both office bathrooms occupied, he decided the kitchen sink was a viable alternative, leading to a heated debate about plumbing and professionalism.
Big CatPissing in the kitchen sink is acceptable because 'pipes are pipes.'
First of all, my friend and Uncle Chaps would have my back on this. A hole is a hole. We all agree with that, right? ... Pipes are pipes. ... I went into the kitchen. I closed the door. And I said, 'Pete, watch the door for me. I'm going to piss real quick.' ... Just guy stuff. It's guys being dudes. ... I actually thought that this is the only place in the world that would have my back, and I feel very violated by you.
To wrap things up, the guys sat down for an extra-long version of Explain it to Hank, where they broke down the mysteries of the universe. Topics ranged from how telescopes actually work to why the appendix is the ultimate worker's comp hack. They even touched on the nuances of business casual attire.
PFT CommenterTelescopes are just an optical illusion and don't actually get you closer
So if you reflect things enough, eventually they get really close. ... It actually gets you closer because that's the only thing that you can see. So it's an optical illusion. So you think that you're closer because it's all that your eye has in its vision.
Big CatMen should not show their knees in an office setting
I actually stand with that rule because I've long said that shorts are gross. Men should not show their knees. That's fucked up. That's unbecoming.
PFT CommenterHaving an appendix is like having a 'ticking week of vacation' stored inside your body.
What do appendixes do? You just take them out. You get out of work for a week. It's a built-in excuse to just duck all responsibilities. In fact, I've got a ticking week of vacation left inside my body right now.
Hopefully, Big Cat didn't miss his flight to Chicago, or at the very least, found a real bathroom before he got to the airport.
