Takes

Bryce Maximus James is guaranteed to play in the NBA

My stardom is Bryce Maximus James. 'cause guess what? He's gonna be in the NBA at some point. I'm gonna call my shot right now. ... Feels like he's gonna get drafted and get in the NBA. The kid don't know. I just got a feeling about this one.

Philadelphia fans will end up rooting for 'Passing Paisan' Tommy DeVito on Christmas

Tommy is gonna go into Philly and that crowd's gonna be rooting so hard for my guy. And they're gonna say, Hey, this guy, he's a good guy. Standup guy. He's one of us. We can't root against our guy. The passing paisan. I love that. And that's what I love about the city. Philadelphia.

Guinness is a soup

Guinness is a soup. It's soup. Guinness. And it is a soup. It's barley soup.

Rupert Murdoch is 'going to die soon' after retiring

He's [Rupert Murdoch] going to die soon. He's like Choppa, you take him out of his job, he going to die... Rupert Murdoch, he's gonna fall down some stairs and die. I'm gonna call my shot right now. He's dead.

Austin Ekeler will score three touchdowns against the 49ers

I'm going to again say that Austin Ekeler is going triple dick. This shit out of him. The Niners are gonna be airtight triple dick. Let's go.

Watching Russell Wilson fail in prime time has become fascinating theater

That Russell Wilson clip that I somehow missed of him saying Bronco country, let's ride after the loss... Man I'm actually, I'm, I'm zagging on everyone being like, this sucks that we have to watch the Broncos and I kind of wanna watch Russell Wilson just continue to fail on prime time. It's fun. It's good theater at this point.

Babe Ruth would not even be a Double-A player in today's game

I saw a video, someone found a video of like 19-whatever the fuck he was born, he had a shitty swing. He looked slow and fat. If he was in today's day and age, he wouldn't even fucking be in AA. Who the fuck out of him put down field stands that I'm taking away his pinstripes. I'd probably strike him out.

Justin Fields will have a magical performance against the Packers at Lambeau

Wouldn't it be nice. If a little passing on the torch, Justin Fields went up to Lambeau his first trip to Lambeau, beat the Packers... I definitely deep down, I won't let myself say it in a serious tone because I don't want to be mocked... but deep down I'm thinking like this could be magical.

The name change from Staples Center to Crypto.com Arena is disgusting

My system is the Los Angeles Lakers. Oh, they've destroyed their brand by changing their iconic name, the staple center to the crypto center. It's just a terrible idea. And I just think that staple center was such a great and original name. And the fact that they changed it to a corporation is disgusting.

Jimmy Butler is the top-one player in the NBA

Jimmy Butler is a king, top one player in the NBA. He got fined due to attempting to escalate the situation and also for not snitching.

The movie 'Cars 3' is better than the original 'Cars'

I'm starting to think cars three might be better than cars one. Cars two is trash. I've watched way too many cars.

Kirk Cousins is statistically the best quarterback of all time.

Statistically, the best quarterback of all time.

'Eating your way out of town' is an underused and effective move for a player to force a trade

I choice not to look at any more angles of James Harden pictures... I choose to believe that James Harden is fat and I say more power to him. The eating your way out of town is the move that it's underused. And if all else fails and you want it to be traded, just put on a shitload of weight until people are embarrassed of you. And then guess what? You can always lose the weight.

The 2020 NBA City Edition uniforms are largely based on Reddit suggestions

NBA is the one league where I'm pretty sure someone in the league office is just scrolling through Reddit at all times and be like, look at this fucking uniform. This is cool. Let's build an entire uniform base off of this.

Ryan Tannehill is a fantasy lock for 250 yards and 4 touchdowns

My starting this week is Ryan Tannehill. If one thinks the Titans are running team, he's putting up forties and 250 yards minimum this weekend minimum, bro.

Hiring David Ross to manage the Cubs is a great idea

My stardom is David Ross. When would it ever be a bad idea to hire everyone's best friend to be the manager and boss? That's not going to be bad at all.

LeBron James only defended China to protect his Space Jam 2 ticket sales

LeBron is so transparent that he only wanted to say nice things about China because he wants to sell his stupid movie Space Jam 2. Space Jam 1 is better.

Ranking Steph Curry over Kobe Bryant all-time is crazy

Bleacher Report came out with their top 50 all-time NBA players and Kobe was 14, Steph Curry is 10... They're mad. They're real mad. They're big mad.

Kobe Bryant is not even a top five Laker anymore now that LeBron James is in Los Angeles

My sit-em is Kobe Bryant. He's not even a top five Laker anymore now that LeBron's there.

Jabari Parker was benched because he started the mutiny against the Bulls' practice

Jabari Parker, he has been benched because, and this is, I mean, I have no sources to back me up except my own brain, but he was clearly the guy who started the mutiny, right? Because he didn't want to practice. He doesn't want to play defense.

Bol Bol will get injured this season because he is way too tall

My sit-em is Bol Bol. This guy is way too fucking tall. There's no way he makes it this whole season without getting hurt... he wears short shorts, so it makes him look even taller.

Duke could beat the Cleveland Cavaliers

Zion Williamson, R.J. Barrett, Alex O'Connell. It's the big three, and Paul Pierce told them they could beat the Cavs, and they could. Dukes, yeah.

Julio Jones will score three touchdowns against the Browns

Julio Jones. The floodgates are open. He scored a touchdown last week. He's going to score three this week. Three touchdowns against the Cleveland Browns. Start him, start him, start him.

Bad things happen to Notre Dame when they wear their green uniforms

When Notre Dame wears their green uniforms, bad things happen. 2007, they lost 38-0 to USC. 2006, you might remember the Bush Push. In 2002, they lost to Boston College as 10-point favorites... When they wear the green uniforms, bad things happen.

Aladdin is the greatest Disney movie of all time

My sleeper is Aladdin, the greatest Disney movie of all time. Yeah, I said it. It's being made into a live-action movie star in Will Smith, The Fresh Prince, which means it's sure to fucking slap.

Jay Cutler will return to the NFL to play for the 49ers

I know some people who know some people who know some people... heard Jay Cutler is going to be back for the San Francisco 49ers... I think Jay Cutler is going to be great in the San Francisco 49ers.

Eli Manning should just retire already

Fuck Eli Manning. How many times is Eli Manning going to sack himself when I put a little fucking cashola on the Giants in a Sunday night game? Fuck you, Eli Manning. Just retire, you fucking asshole.

Josh Allen is my sleeper of the week and will 'take flight' against the Vikings

My sleeper is Josh Allen. Against the Vikings, D. Everybody's talking about him. People forget they tied. They didn't win. They didn't lose. They don't know what the fuck is going on this week. That rocket arm about to take flight.

The first three Christmas Day NBA unders will always win

I bet the first three Christmas Day unders every single year, and I think it's won every single year for like 15 years. The only year it didn't win was the lockout year when the first game of the season was Christmas Day. And it's basically because everyone's full... And they wear those stupid jerseys... Take the Christmas Day Unders first three.

I will knock out Tex in the second round

Second round knockout. Woo! Boy. Actually, I'm 100% on board with that... I'm going to knock his ass out. Double sit-em. And my sleeper is the left-handed uppercut. Watch out for that in the second round when I fucking knock Tex's ass out.

Eggnog is disgusting and anyone who says otherwise is lying

My sit-em is eggnog. If you like eggnog, you're a fucking Muppet. That shit is disgusting and anyone that says otherwise lies.

Bitcoin is fake and people should buy land instead

My stardom is land. Bitcoin, currency, it's all fake. You can't see it. Buy something you can see with your own two eyeballs. Buy a plot. Buy an acre. Squat on it.

Devontae Mays is a sleeper who will put up big numbers for the Packers through the end of the season

My sleeper is Devontae Mays. Brett Hundley stinks. Look for him to put up some big numbers to the end of the season for the Packers. ... Where does he play? Green Bay. What position? Running back slash receiver.

AJ Green will have a massive game against the Titans after putting Jalen Ramsey in a sleeper hold

I got my sleeper. It's AJ Green. He put Jalen Ramsey in a sleeper, and he's going to come back with a performance this week against the Tennessee Titans. Rock and Refuel. They can't play defense. Start AJ Green.

Start Drew Stanton on his bye week to guarantee a zero rather than negative points

My stardom of the week: Drew Stanton. The Cardinals are on a bye. But Drew Stanton, if he starts, he's getting negative points. So you start him on the bye and you get that zero. Bruce Arians is going to turn this team around.

Nelson Agholor is a 'start' this week because the Eagles are on fire

My stardom, Nelson Agholor. The Eagles are on fire and up against a weak pass team for the 49ers.

Julio Jones will have a massive 'revenge game' against the Patriots on Sunday

My stardom: Julio Jones. The Patriots secondary stinks. Primetime revenge game. Julio Jones. pick him up on the waiver wire and start his ass.

Big Ben will have a big game against the Chiefs because he's too dumb to realize he stinks

Big Ben is too dumb to realize he stinks now. That's why he's going to come out. He's going to throw all over the field. Big Ben, he's fatter than Andy Reid now. That's a win for Big Ben.

Ricardo Lewis is a legitimate fantasy sleeper because of his target share

Ricardo Lewis. Great name, even better value. Pick him up. He has the most targets on the [Browns] this year.

Sit Michael Crabtree in fantasy this week because EJ Manuel cannot be trusted

My sit-em is Michael Crabtree. I don't trust EJ Manuel as far as he could throw me.

I'm finally calling it: Kareem Hunt is my sleeper of the week

He's a rookie, but I'm finally going to pick him up on my waiver wire. I'm talking about Kareem Hunt. He's my sleeper of the week.

Hunter Henry is a sleeper tight end pick for Week 5

My sleeper. Leave me alone. Hunter Henry. Tight end.

Julio Jones will go off in Week 4; pick him up off waivers if he's available

I'm going to start him, Julio Jones. He's going to go off this week. I guarantee it. Start him if you have him on your team. If you don't, pick him up off the waiver wire.

Fantasy owners should be able to suspend their own players from real-life games

As a fantasy football owner, if I owned Odell Beckham, I think that it should be within my right to actually suspend him. From real games. If a high enough percentage of Odell Beckham Jr.'s fantasy football owners are mad at him for doing something, then let's say above 65%.