Takes

If you appear on a screen for your job, you should be allowed to use steroids

My new rule is if in the course of your profession, you appear on a screen, you should be allowed to use steroids. That's a fair... It should be legal... If you appear on a screen in your job, just go ahead and shoot up whatever you want.

If a singer sucks at an open mic in Texas, you're supposed to tackle them

I found out that it was at an open mic [the Josh Beckett incident]... I feel like at an open mic in Texas if the guy sucks you're kind of you're supposed to tackle him. Yeah that's true he just was like a deputized bouncer.

Derrick Rose and Dwyane Wade will turn into a pile of dust if they collide in practice

I would say, man, I'm really looking forward to those practices where Derrick Rose and Dwyane Wade just, like, accidentally run into each other and turn into a pile of dust.

Tim Tebow bringing a flatlining man back to life is an 'abortion to death'

If you bring a guy back from death... isn't that giving an abortion to death? It's the equivalent, right? So he's an anti-abortion guy, but he's over here... Death's got a bun in the oven in the third trimester, and Tebow's got the shop vac out.

The NBA suspended Draymond Green specifically to extend the Finals for ratings

Former NBA referee Tim Donaghy says that the NBA suspended Draymond Green to try to extend the series to get higher ratings and more money. You think? No, duh.

David Stern is still secretly pulling the strings of the NBA behind the scenes

Adam Silver's not. Adam Silver cleaned up the league... Meanwhile David Stern is behind the scenes suspending Draymond Green and getting these ratings... he's the master puppet and I love it.